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The time is close, the day draws near
Distorted figures the sun makes clear
In fact we see yet speak of fiction
A lie is a habit which turns addiction
The walls enclose, the ceiling hides
A veiled smile is the best disguise
Speak now or hold your peace
Thoughts unspoken become deceased
Subtle gestures in vivid detail
Shadow world does life entail
Darkness masks what light unfolds
Uniformed souls in uniform molds
Opposites notice so tension brews
Energy is idle power minus a fuse
The gap is minor, yet no one sees
Hate nourishes hate, itself it feeds
Love is lost, tolerance with it
Shaky relations start to fidget
A child is born but has yet to make
A soul with the mold yet to make
We have plans! So speak it true
None which include to make anew
We give the thoughts, the codes as well
Place our minds inside the shell
A cycle repeats, no end in sight
The day held hope, that ends with night
"Life is a dream for the wise, a game for the fool, a comedy for the rich, a tragedy for the poor."-Sholom Aleichem
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Rhyming couplets! =D The poem as a whole has both effective and ineffective imageries mixed in. Some lines feel forced and a little cliche, so I'd suggest cutting unneeded lines/stanzas and you'll be good to go. =)
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now that you said that im rereading it and it actually looks like two poems to me that i tried to make as one
The time is close, the day draws near
Distorted figures the sun makes clear
The walls enclose, the ceiling hides
A veiled smile is the best disguise
In fact we see yet speak of fiction
A lie is a habit which turns addiction
Subtle gestures in vivid detail
Shadow world does life entail
Darkness masks what light unfolds
Uniformed souls in uniform molds
A child is born but has yet to make
A soul with the mold yet to make
We have plans! So speak it true
None which include to make anew
We give the thoughts, the codes as well
Place our minds inside the shell
A cycle repeats, no end in sight
The day held hope, that ends with night
not a total revision but i think it at least flows better now
"Life is a dream for the wise, a game for the fool, a comedy for the rich, a tragedy for the poor."-Sholom Aleichem
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Some lines really work poorly while others work great.
A child is born but has yet to make
A soul with the mold yet to make
Opposites notice so tension brews
Energy is idle power minus a fuse
Love is lost, tolerance with it
Shaky relations start to fidget
These seem really weak to me.
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Yeah the revised edition flows way better. =) It's less confusing now.
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I find poems that rhyme a lot like this one are difficult to "pull off" because they have a tendency to sound...cheesy (I tried to think of a better adjective but I've got nothing). That being said, I don't think that's the case here so hooray. You did a nice job with this and you have a lot of strong lines in here, and I didn't find anything to be particularly poor, although I do agree with brandontoh's opinion of some lines feeling forced. I definitely prefer the revision you posted. Honestly I think you could graduate from the novice section...
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(01-24-2013, 12:53 PM)corawrites Wrote: I find poems that rhyme a lot like this one are difficult to "pull off" because they have a tendency to sound...cheesy (I tried to think of a better adjective but I've got nothing). That being said, I don't think that's the case here so hooray. You did a nice job with this and you have a lot of strong lines in here, and I didn't find anything to be particularly poor, although I do agree with brandontoh's opinion of some lines feeling forced. I definitely prefer the revision you posted. Honestly I think you could graduate from the novice section...
thank you for your kind words...i am working my way up to mild and serious but i want to come strong when i do, i know i have a lot of good rhymes and metaphors and such (not being cocky just confident
) but i want to work on meeting the specs for the different types of poetry before i bust out of novice... to me the best at what they do have tried all the steps and i want to climb the ladder so to speak
"Life is a dream for the wise, a game for the fool, a comedy for the rich, a tragedy for the poor."-Sholom Aleichem
