Queen Of Hearts

[corawrites]

In a haze of sloth I lay here
In this haze I am alone
I am brought food and drink by outsiders
Fat overtaking bone
Enigmatic hazy arms
Reach out to take my occupied hands
Pasty pufferfish appendages
And I question the service I am sent:
I am battened mercilessly on the finest
Wines meats words
My slothfulness is unwarranted, it's absurd
But alas, the cards and gifts keep coming
And I grow fatter still
A great fleshy blob on a throne
Selfish and gruesome and
Grotesquely undeserving
Please
Give me tastes of my own medicine
Until I throw up
Maybe my pride will be somewhere
Amongst what my stomach expels

I fear this is too whiny. Thoughts?

[Card]

I don't think it's too whiny. I do think it's... not something I would expect from the title though. I do think it makes sense though.

When you say "battening" did you mean "fattening" instead? 'Cause that would work better.

If I might question your format, I would recommend capitalizing only after you create a whole and independent thought. It'll make things flow better, since you have breaks between them that will only occasionally interrupt the thought. Bit of an irregularity, that.

[brandontoh]

I like the imagery and the base idea of the poem. However, I'd suggest dividing the poem into different stanzas so it's easier on the eyes, and also to add punctuation to introduce appropriate pauses.

[doolasmind#11]

I really enjoyed it. The imagery of the pasty pufferfish appendages put me right in the scene. I liked that you brought to life that we are aware what we do but we do it anyways(at least for me). Good stuff, good read

[theanonymousnerd]

I really liked it! it was great imagery and the meaning was cool too. the title may have been a bit misleading in my opinion though. but all in all really great!