01-03-2013, 04:30 AM
Heya Gordon
Ahh, I get it now. This is above my skill, so for this being your first I think you have a handle on it.
The first three lines is a good setup. I don't see the hope, the lines seem well thought of so much so there isn't any emotion. As a reader I can't understand what is going on or feel anything unless the narrator shows me. You told me it was suppose to express hope but it isn't expressed in the poem. I as a reader was not convinced instead I speculated. This needs some sort of emotion to connect with. You have a good setup, it just needs the meat. Keep in my mind this is all just my opinion.
I would suggest making the hope stand out somehow by describing it using images or metaphors. The doubt seems subtle and I like that, it's almost like a nagging whisper. It just needs the feeling of hope in there. I think the first stanza and the last are both well crafted, it's just the middle.
I hope this was helpful. Like I said this is an intriguing poem.
Ahh, I get it now. This is above my skill, so for this being your first I think you have a handle on it.
The first three lines is a good setup. I don't see the hope, the lines seem well thought of so much so there isn't any emotion. As a reader I can't understand what is going on or feel anything unless the narrator shows me. You told me it was suppose to express hope but it isn't expressed in the poem. I as a reader was not convinced instead I speculated. This needs some sort of emotion to connect with. You have a good setup, it just needs the meat. Keep in my mind this is all just my opinion.
I would suggest making the hope stand out somehow by describing it using images or metaphors. The doubt seems subtle and I like that, it's almost like a nagging whisper. It just needs the feeling of hope in there. I think the first stanza and the last are both well crafted, it's just the middle.
I hope this was helpful. Like I said this is an intriguing poem.