last call

[tectak]

You will excuse me, I hope, if I do not dispense my usual dose of preventative medicine and suggest that you take as much punctuation as possible into your system. You are depleted. It may not help immediately but over time you will notice an improvement. No, I won't mention it.

i'm ailing mama
forgive me
if i double my dosage A terse and telling start. I am not yet over the typos, capital I, but still like this opening stanza.
pretty don't last 1st person narrative is a scene/era/location/culture setter....... If you carry it through to the end. Many do not.
as long as rent does
and the bars about to close This flows well and no words are wasted. I like the consequentiality of the "and" in the last line. It reeks of authenticity.

the jukebox has only one tune
left unheard
and i stabbed a man dead....but don't do it too often or it reeks of unoriginality
for his coin
stuck him slow
and sure
listening
as his breath leaked itself out
til sleep Very well set up stanza. This is a cameo event which is coldly underplayed. It is better for its clinicality. Excellent.
my old man said there were sounds
that could make a man not sleep right
the last song is about to go on Only a slight shudder with these three lines in that they do rather teleport the reader. Again, I think you get away with the jump, just, because it is in character. In a very short poem it is not easy to establish traits. It is better to introduce a few specific catalysts and let the reaction occur in the mind of the reader. I think you have succeeded.

leave me in this five minutes mama
to cry alone and smile

when they come round
in the morning for me
know it was the pretty
that lead your child All is not well in the end. Lead or led? I will not mention the lack of punctuation.

This appealed to me.....and that interfered with my judgement......but in my judgement this is a fine piece. It may be that you write without stopping to consider anything but the transportation of thought to paper, and I envy this ability. My remarks (unmade) on punctuation may cause you to have second thoughts on your style but all is opinion.
Best,
tectak