Hi, welcome to the site!
I like this poem of yours. Here are some comments for you. This desperately needs a title to guide it. For instance think if the fog was the ambiguity of feelings for another person. Title: Infatuation
Only one possible way of many.
Read especially S2 in that light. Titles add resonance. You could still cut some words here and there, but the title is the main thing.
Oh minor typos I think, in S2 panes plural, and ice melts.
Again welcome,
Todd
I like this poem of yours. Here are some comments for you. This desperately needs a title to guide it. For instance think if the fog was the ambiguity of feelings for another person. Title: Infatuation
Only one possible way of many.
Read especially S2 in that light. Titles add resonance. You could still cut some words here and there, but the title is the main thing.
Oh minor typos I think, in S2 panes plural, and ice melts.
Again welcome,
Todd
(12-22-2012, 12:31 PM)LeCoeurNoir Wrote: The thickest fog
Is clearly seen
But only lightly felt
The breath mists up
On broken pane
Until the ices melt
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson