This Winter (2nd edit)

[Uncle Vertical]

This winter is a moving cloud
On the gray palette before me.
The leaning fog reaches upward
To meet a lowering shroud.
The days, hidden and diffuse.
The nights, curtained and lifeless.
Nothing distinct, nothing of detail,
Not a break, a star, or an edge to see, I am
Here in the cleft of this rock.
Alone on my watch, in my hour.
Waiting for something eternal.

[arbil_poieo]

Hey Uncle Vertical
I think this is about winter being described as fog. I like the idea of this. I think it loses it's steam in the last three lines, maybe it's because I don't quite understand it, such as what's eternal and whose waiting. There was a sudden shift of focus without any transition. I don't think you need all the "the" in the beginning of a few lines.


You have some good descriptions to work with, it allows the reader to see what the narrator sees, which makes it better to read.

[billy]

Hi uncle.
is 'but needed in the first line? i like the descriptions in L3 and 4. the image is a good example of what poets should aiming for, often poets say stuff like; the clouds move across a grey sky...as it gets foggy.
i think l8 could be written in such a way as to lose all but one of the nots. i's suggest; Not a break, a star, or edge to see. i do like the edge to see part of that line, very descriptive. i don't think the ellipses work in the middle of a sentence. but i really like the poem. it has a solitude about it. i also like how you make the poem aloneness which is often depicted through winter.

thanks for the read. great effort. worthy of being in one of the other forums

This winter is but a moving cloud
On the gray palette before me.
The leaning fog reaches upward
To meet a lowering shroud.
The days are hidden and diffuse.
The nights – curtained in haze are lifeless.
Nothing distinct, nothing of detail,
Not a break, not a star, not an edge to see.
I am here, in the cleft of this rock.
Alone on my watch… in my hour.
Waiting for something eternal.

[Uncle Vertical]

Thanks to both of you for your input and your kind words. I will delete the "but" in the 1st line and the "the's" and the ellipses, I use ellipses in my day to day writing and I guess it's a bad habit I have.

[Todd]

Hi Uncle Vertical,

This is pretty cool. I like the Moses allusion at the end. Here are some thoughts to consider:

This winter is a moving cloud
On the gray palette before me.
The leaning fog reaches upward
To meet a lowering shroud.--these first four lines have lovely imagery and phrasing
The days are hidden and diffuse.--do you need the are?
The nights curtained in haze are lifeless.--in haze are feels a bit redundant how about just making the structure similar "curtained and lifeless
Nothing distinct, nothing of detail,--maybe just Nothing distinct, no detail
Not a break, a star, or an edge to see.--wonderful line. Optionally, you could pull up I am to the end of this line to echo your allusion on the next line with a subtle burning bush lead in. Just a thought
I am here, in the cleft of this rock.
Alone on my watch, in my hour.
Waiting for something eternal.--I like the contrast between hour and eternal

Nice edit,.

Best,

Todd

[Uncle Vertical]

Great suggestions Todd. I am a little confused with adding the "I am" to the end of L8 though. When I do that it seems a bit awkward to me. Maybe you could further explain this option, I must be missing something. Your other suggestions are improvements that I will add on my next edit. Thanks for your help.

[Todd]

Well that's why I put optionally on that one

Here's the thing I was thinking...cleft of this rock is an allusion to Moses hiding as God's glory past before him. Not what the poem is about but definitely a literary allusion. Your previous words were I am which makes me reflect on the name of God revealed to Moses from the burning bush I am isolating them on the previous line would help set off that effect. It's okay, if that's too cute for you...just the way my mind makes connections.

[Uncle Vertical]

Well that's why I put optionally on that one

Here's the thing I was thinking...cleft of this rock is an allusion to Moses hiding as God's glory past before him. Not what the poem is about but definitely a literary allusion. Your previous words were I am which makes me reflect on the name of God revealed to Moses from the burning bush I am isolating them on the previous line would help set off that effect. It's okay, if that's too cute for you...just the way my mind makes connections.

Thanks Todd, I now understand what you are saying. Do you think a general audience would catch that effect? (not that any general audience is likely to ever see it). I was quite delighted that you picked up on the Moses allusion but quite frankly I didn't even think about the "I am" tie in with God's name being revealed to Moses when I wrote it. I will try and get that in there and thanks again for your thoughtful input.

[Todd]

I think the new edit flows very well. I'm really not sure what a general audience will get. As long as a poem is written well (which this is), I consider those subtle parts just bonuses to the reader if they see them. I think the changes work. The poem really pops.

This winter is a moving cloud
On the gray palette before me.
The leaning fog reaches upward
To meet a lowering shroud.
The days, hidden and diffuse.
The nights, curtained and lifeless.
Nothing distinct, nothing of detail,
Not a break, a star, or an edge to see, I am
Here in the cleft of this rock.
Alone on my watch, in my hour.
Waiting for something eternal.

[Uncle Vertical]

Thanks Todd I really appreciate your comments. Is the process here on the forum to now move the poem to a different level of scrutiny or should I put a fork in it?

[Leanne]

Is the process here on the forum to now move the poem to a different level of scrutiny or should I put a fork in it?

Completely up to you If you'd like some closer scrutiny and you're comfortable receiving detailed feedback (it seems like you are), you can either re-post in Serious Critique or we can move this thread there for you, to keep all the comments together and save confusion. If you'd just like a few more opinions without so much detail, Mild Critique might be best. Just let one of the moderators know.

[Uncle Vertical]

Thanks Leanne, I will repost it then.