In the void with you

[billy]

hi again thomas. try and leave some feedback elsewhere please.

In between the
Moon and land, like this as narrative and as an image

Between the infinite would this be better as the opener as it's the big space?
stars and sand

Two travelled one, one needs a modifier
Hand in hand.


Somewhere between the
Land and moon i see others like the repetition but i think in such a shortpoem it's too much

You floated too, who is the you, if it's one of two you's above then it's redundant. if it me, then a 'with us' would work better than 'too'

In the space between the
Void and you,

One travelled two. not a logical statement and also has a syntax problem.

for me it's really stretching itself to make sense. it's starts off on a solid footing then leaves me at the platform. a connection or a few connections are missing for it to work for me. i can't see god in there and the two for one has me flummoxed. it could of course be me that's missing something and if it is i'm sorry. i do get that the poem is about the void it's the you i'm confused over.

thanks for the read.