In between the
Moon and land,

Between the infinite
stars and sand

Two travelled one,
Hand in hand.


Somewhere between the
Land and moon

You floated too,

In the space between the
Void and you,

One travelled two.

Sometimes I wish I'd never been to SuprBay

Hi Thomas,

I will warn you that while I have been around this site for some time, I still quite often don't understand poetry even when others get it . . . but I don't get it.

I wanted this to be about love and celestial bodies, but if there were two at first and then another, is this a astrological ménage à trois? Or am I doing that redneck thing and getting all mixed up?

(11-05-2012, 08:46 PM)Thomas.c.Batten Wrote:  In between the --starts amost like a fairytale.
Moon and land,

Between the infinite --I dislike 'infinite', but at this point it is the only nit I have. This is a good opening.
stars and sand

Two travelled one, --is 'travelled' one of those words that can be spelled two different ways? if not it is traveled, but it could be AmE v BrE raising its head up :p
Hand in hand.


Somewhere between the
Land and moon --the reversal is cool here jmo. It reinforced that fairytale/nursery rhyme feeling for me.

You floated too,

In the space between the
Void and you,

One travelled two.

Just noticed both the 'travelled's are double-l so it is probably BrE . . . so disregard that. Ha, I just realized that I assuming you will regard any of this

I really liked the feel of it though I didn't quite get the message. As I mentioned, that is par for me.

Thanks for sharing.

(11-05-2012, 08:46 PM)Thomas.c.Batten Wrote:  In between the
Moon and land, I like the opening. It's like a lullaby

Between the infinite
stars and sand

Two travelled one, This line throws me. One what? One path? As one?
Hand in hand.


Somewhere between the
Land and moon Nice switch up without sounding repetitive.

You floated too, I'm not sure the switch between an ambiguity and a specific 'you' works, at least from my perspective.

In the space between the
Void and you, I do find this interesting, as the Void has many connotations and introduces a feeling of melancholia echoed in the final line.

One travelled two. Again, there is no concrete idea here. Two what?

Welcome to the Pig, Thomas. I think you have a very nice beginning here.

hi again thomas. try and leave some feedback elsewhere please.

(11-05-2012, 08:46 PM)Thomas.c.Batten Wrote:  In between the
Moon and land, like this as narrative and as an image

Between the infinite would this be better as the opener as it's the big space?
stars and sand

Two travelled one, one needs a modifier
Hand in hand.


Somewhere between the
Land and moon i see others like the repetition but i think in such a shortpoem it's too much

You floated too, who is the you, if it's one of two you's above then it's redundant. if it me, then a 'with us' would work better than 'too'

In the space between the
Void and you,

One travelled two. not a logical statement and also has a syntax problem.

for me it's really stretching itself to make sense. it's starts off on a solid footing then leaves me at the platform. a connection or a few connections are missing for it to work for me. i can't see god in there and the two for one has me flummoxed. it could of course be me that's missing something and if it is i'm sorry. i do get that the poem is about the void it's the you i'm confused over.

thanks for the read.

hi thomas!
some thoughts for you

(11-05-2012, 08:46 PM)Thomas.c.Batten Wrote:  In between the
Moon and land,

Between the infinite
stars and sand...draws up comparisons between moon and stars, land and sand, perhaps suggesting the first stanza is more finite in some ways, just as infinite in others

Two travelled one, ...this feels like a baby to me. i'm almost convinced it works...
Hand in hand.


Somewhere between the
Land and moon

You floated too,

In the space between the
Void and you,

One travelled two.

so much is hinging on the "one travelled two" and vice-versa lines. for me, grammar and semantics are letting me down for both. perhaps if the title aimed to described the one or two objects themselves, it would be a bit stronger. i'm fine with the repetitions you used (they felt fresh enough for me). just some ideas. thanks for sharing

just got this one published, thanks for your comments.

'two travelled one' isn't meant to follow the correct syntax, read some e.e. cummings and you'll realise poetry doesn't have to conform to conventional language structures.

---

[ sorry billy, i think you completely misread the poem.

read this -----> you're not ee cummings,

while poetry doesn't have to do anything, it's best if it isn't written as gibberish. even nonsense poetry has to carry meaning or/and intent, your last line carries neither.

i'm fine not getting the poem, not having been taught how to decipher foreign language probably lays at the rooty of the problem.

having a poem published isn't a mark of quality

This is a critique forum. Please ensure that all replies are pertinent to the poem /admin

sorry.

when i meant you misread the poem, i was referring to your mention of god, that is all, just didn't know where it came from. Since the poem was nothing to do with this subject matter. With regards to getting a poem published i did not say it was the mark of quality, i was merely stating the poem is now published, with a few of the comments taken on board and thank you to whoever read and took time to post a reply. That is all. furthermore i was not implying that i was e.e cummings, i used his name to signify to you that poetry doesn't have to follow specific syntax. you can create and transform, that is the joy of poetry and art!

Late to this

i really like the vibe. Agree with Aish about the lullaby comment. "In between the moon and land // Between the infinite stars and sand"
that's the stuff the oldest stories are made of. The context really sparks my imagination... but the rest of it, the actual meat of the narrative, seems to be intentionally vague? Two travelled one could be they traveled as one or traveled one path; it's the ending, the "one that travelled two in the space between the void and you" that is a lot more elusive. The "you" seems to be traveling alone, so I am left guessing that the last line means that this "you" wasn't always alone, that a separation happened. This is just a guess . If it is a correct guess, maybe you could consider changing up "space" to something that sounds more hollow than "void", so the loss is clearer. Just one thought

I totally agree with poet. In many cases, its the ambiguity and incompleteness that makes a poem a poem. That's what makes you read it and contemplate what it could be. At first, "two travelled one, hand in hand" called forth in my mind's eye, two lovers walking together holding hands, conjoined in one form in their silhouette. When the "you" came in, I couldn't think of anything, but it challenges your imagination to feel the words and imagine.

Many poems are about feeling and imagination, not about the words. I think those are my favorite kinds of poems.

Aha! I just read it once more, and I imagined one thing the "you" could mean--I could imagine the silhouette of a couple walking on the beach at night-time. I envision the man of this couple has a faint reminiscent feeling in his heart of a love he has not quite gotten over, and he has written this poem to her. Because this woman still has a place in the man's heart, he feels her spirit floating with him and his current love, in between the land and the moon, and his former love is one by herself, but because she is with him in his heart still, they are still two.

I think that is a beautiful and touching image. My apologies to the poet, though, because I don't know what he actually intended it to mean. But you can see how leaving details and words out can create a beautiful and moving image and feeling in your imagination. You don't need to tell people what to think and what to understand all the time.