The passing of time

[Thomas.c.Batten]

If you and I had met some years past our time, when I was grey and you old
,
Would we have played on the piano? Our first night together, uncaring so bold,
Would I have had strength and you desire to walk the canal hand in hand together?
Would it have been possible to speak naively, brightly about our future forever?
When time has wrinkled the skin, and has glazed the eyes of precious sight.

Would I be able to smell your skin, touch your lips and know all was right?

With each and all my harmonious applause rings out for you, and more and still

Let me break the untwined locks of thought, let me forget and hide my will.

If you and I had met some years past our time, when I was grey and you old,

Would I love you more passionately? Knowing we are closer in life to the fold,

Would I hold and caress you, enfold and embrace you, so tight that I never let go?

Would I mourn with a thousand tears upon your resting place where you lie below?

When time has sent us the gift of youth; we should follow the path that has been made.
With you and I so young and new, let us take what we have and never fade.
Let our love burn a spot upon each our soul, so when we are gone it will remain.

We will look back nostalgically about our journey for we were early, and left so much to gain.

If you and I had met some years past our time, when I was grey and you old
,
Would the vivid lights of reflection hide the blemishes and burn a hole?

Would the frailty of life find or lose itself in you and take its needless toll
.
In all the black and red blemished skies above our heads, the sun will fall and rise,
Heard amongst all the matchstick men with head to ground, they rapidly pass the cries.
In each and all they blank the call walking soundless to meet the mirror of their demise,
But now for me it is the time to be thoughtless without the what’s or why’s
To listen to the beating of life beyond the greater still somewhere out above the skies

[billy]

If you and I had met some years past our time, when I was grey and you old
,
Would we have played on the piano? Our first night together, uncaring so bold,
Would I have had strength and you desire to walk the canal hand in hand together? hand in hand or together is redundant, one or the other would suffice.
Would it have been possible to speak naively, brightly about our future forever? do you mean like non stop talking? forever is redundant
When time has wrinkled the skin, and has glazed the eyes of precious sight.

Would I be able to smell your skin, touch your lips and know all was right? two skins and two times in the space of a few lines feels too much.

With each and all my harmonious applause rings out for you, and more and still needs some grammar

Let me break the untwined locks of thought, let me forget and hide my will. entwined

If you and I had met some years past our time, when I was grey and you old, i like the refrain tough we says the same thing as you and i

Would I love you more passionately? Knowing we are closer in life to the fold,
 what does fold represent?
Would I hold and caress you, enfold and embrace you, so tight that I never let go?

Would I mourn with a thousand tears upon your resting place where you lie below?

When time has sent us the gift of youth; we should follow the path that has been made. why and what path
With you and I so young and new, let us take what we have and never fade.
Let our love burn a spot upon each our soul, so when we are gone it will remain.

We will look back nostalgically about our journey for we were early, and left so much to gain. the latter half of this stanza is very weak and say's virtually nothing. a few images would strengthen it up and give depth. at present it's all hearsay.

If you and I had met some years past our time, when I was grey and you old
,
Would the vivid lights of reflection hide the blemishes and burn a hole?

Would the frailty of life find or lose itself in you and take its needless toll
.
In all the black and red blemished skies above our heads, the sun will fall and rise, blemish/blemished
Heard amongst all the matchstick men with head to ground, they rapidly pass the cries. head/heads
In each and all they blank the call walking soundless to meet the mirror of their demise,
But now for me it is the time to be thoughtless without the what’s or why’s
To listen to the beating of life beyond the greater still somewhere out above the skies again, the last half at least of this stanza needs some something solid.

i think you have the chance to do a really good poem here but the repetition (not the refrain) and wordiness of of many lines weaken the tale.

thanks for the read.