09-30-2012, 05:01 PM
In verses three and four you confuse "their" with "there". Otherwise this is quite an effective poem. The "come home" refrain was haunting and it reminds me of a couple of poems by Emily Dickinson about people on their deathbed. If I had to make a suggestion I'd say that this poem might benefit from a stronger core. Going back to Dickinson, one of those poems I alluded to focused on a fly buzzing around the dying narrator: http://academic.brooklyn.cuny.edu/englis...6/fly.html Maybe you could try working in some small detail like that to make your poem more individual? All this is JMHO, of course. Thanks for the read
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe