Gravity

[Todd]

Hi braggman,

Welcome to the site! Here are some comments for you:

For me, the best part of the poem is S2. It's a good lead up to the relationship in the later strophes with the use of desire. I'm not sure Strangely attracted is even necessary since the image implies the attraction. If you cut I'd pull children down to the next line. There's a part of me that would like to see the tight elegance of S2 used as a model for the later strophes, or S1 for that matter.

Attraction is
a provability
the tether
the strange force at a distance--this line feels a bit long
that holds all together
as it falls disparate
and tangent
to the ground
to the moon
to the sun.

--I don't dislike the ideas in S1. It just feels like too long of a lead up. I can see keeping it or cutting it entirely. I'm not entirely sure you need it. Sorry if that sounds vague. I'm torn.
 
Strangely attracted children
hear and infer
the ice cream truck
by its song and its route
because space is curved
by desire.
 
We sit at the edge--I like the break
of a tree line
within the faint arc of porch light --I like faint arc of porch light
watching cold blacknight warped--I like the alliteration and the internal rhyme
into warm galactic flows.
Though we each began as separate stars--maybe some slight cuts: though and each
our paths at last approached and circled--may not need at last
as they have since countless times--maybe simply countless times
and yet they never wed.

--This strophe is cool because of some of the celestial language. One of the reasons S1 may be unneeded.
 
I have known you
since you were lightning and I the air you parted,
since we were water and the wind drew us in,
since you were sunlight and I sealed in amber,
you were jasmine and I the fallen dew.
We teased, we courted, we played unhurried.
We seeped among the leaves.
We rose to our adjacent clouds.
We lay in wait in the abyssal hills.  
We died and bloomed and crystallized
but were always released anew from the fire.

--the issue you may be having here is it's just two many different images to hold together. The lightning is interesting. The last part of that line might sound better if you invert it: "and I the parted air" There's an explosiveness to your image that I like. It screams to the infatuation and first spark of connection. If you extend the image to related imagery maybe of thunder, rain, you could then rise to your adjacent cloud...but tighter and more controlled may serve you better
 
I cannot watch you pass again this time
cannot release you back to the flow that washed us
finally here
cannot stay silent, cannot stop shaking, cannot find words or thoughts for anyone but you and yet you make it clear
I cannot have you.
You have no memory of this passionate force
that binds me
close but never reaching.
My petitions carry no such weight
in your center
trapped here by the burden
of my own gravity.

--the last two lines connect and work. The rest while having a Neruda Tonight I Write pleading to them feel too unfocused to me.
 
Though worlds may pass
and new be built ten thousand times
before we get this chance again
each alive with voice and passion,
still you and I will rise from here
and as I’ve always known
you’ll return to that perpetual path
 
out
away from my side.

--this last strophe is more focused than S5 but it still feels like paring it down some would help. These are more declarations and they need something more to leave us with any punch..More imagery maybe.




I've never been satisfied with the fourth stanza of this and meant to rework it. Would like some input, but get the feeling that where it should be strongest it is the weakest.

I'm not sure how helpful that is, but I hope it is in some way. Those are my initial impressions. I may think of something more specific as I continue to go over it.

Best,

Todd