Queen

[Indie]

VERSION 3: ( edited S2 L1 ten minutes later thank you Leanne!)

Prick of lips, smearing dye, sticks needles one nit in this line, sticks, I know it works rhyme, but it's off in the tense of smearing previously in the sentence, IMO "sticking" would work better for both tense and flow
through my spindled eye; in the darkness
I spin, a splendid gold thing. I spin.
In the day we sit happy. He and I,
opposite cups of tepid tea
under ever after weather, what does "under ever after weather" mean?
clinking only as we stir. The imagery of this is great.

How I miss hands and knees rough IMO roughened would work better here
from praying to the floors, calluses alive.
The indignity of hate feels less now,
less than the indignity of love.

Our chats are mild - hopesdreamswishes -
and my voice well hides the sounds of mice; well hides? I know what you mean, but IMO it jars
crawling, clawing, beneath the paradox
of one glass shoe.

An interesting little piece that has progressed well from version one. Hope this helps.