Village child

[Ca ne fait rien]

Rumpled grey-sock days
scuffed-shoe, scabbed-knee days
distances were longer then
closer to the ground.

Dampstung colt legs buck
in awkward grace
to crazy rhythms
of bumping satchel books,
kick at invisible traces
along tree- tunnelled lanes
prevaricating
solitary.

Trees and fields grow thin
draped in sad cobweb rags
of rising river mists
muddy leaves lie in heavy drifts
still, dull
as the blood -matted fur
and empty green eyes
of the tortoiseshell cat
in the gutter
dead.



Edited revision

Rumpled grey-sock days
scuffed-shoe, scabbed-knee days
distances were longer then
closer to the ground.

Dampstung colt legs buck
in awkward grace
to crazy rhythms
of bumping satchel books,
kick at invisible traces
along tree- tunnelled lanes
solitary.

Trees and fields grow thin
draped in sad cobweb rags
of rising river mists
muddy leaves lie in heavy drifts
still, dull as the blood -matted fur
and empty green eyes
of the tortoiseshell cat
in the gutter
dead.

[Aish]

Rumpled grey-sock days
scuffed-shoe, scabbed-knee days [b]Reading 'days' so close together threw me off your rhythm a bit. Perhaps 'afternoons' or some other substitution?[/b]
distances were longer then Are you saying 'longer then' as a glance backward in time, or 'longer than'? A comma after L4 would help with the delineation.
closer to the ground.

Dampstung colt legs buck Dampstung is ingenious, now that I have a handle on it. At first I read it as "Durmstrang" from Harry Potter.
in awkward grace
to crazy rhythms
of bumping satchel books,
kick at invisible traces
along tree- tunnelled lanes I think tunnelled = tunneled
prevaricating I wonder if 'deceptively' would work better here? I appreciate the word choice, but it is out of synch with the rest of your diction.
solitary.

Trees and fields grow thin
draped in sad cobweb rags I love this image!
of rising river mists
muddy leaves lie in heavy drifts
still, dull
as the blood -matted fur
and empty green eyes
of the tortoiseshell cat
in the gutter
dead. I think perhaps you could pull 'dead' up into the preceding line, 'dead in the gutter' for the sake of your enjabment.

Thank you for the read.

[abu nuwas]

I very much liked the first two lines, with their quiet, nostalgic tone. It brought back those days vividly. The last stanza is that much darker, and sadder, stronger in a sense, but I just wanted to hang on to the softer stuff. I wondered about 'prevaricating', but not much.

[Leanne]

Rumpled grey-sock days
scuffed-shoe, scabbed-knee days -- Personally, I like the repetition, it both enhances the rhythm and sets an innocent tone
distances were longer then
closer to the ground. -- I love this! I've always been convinced that I could jump so high when I was a kid that I would actually fly for a little bit

Dampstung colt legs buck
in awkward grace
to crazy rhythms -- for sound, I wouldn't mind another two-syllable word in here before "rhythms", but that's probably just the way I'm reading it
of bumping satchel books,
kick at invisible traces
along tree- tunnelled lanes
prevaricating -- I feel there should be some punctuation at the end of this line, perhaps even a colon
solitary.

Trees and fields grow thin -- excellent change of tone
draped in sad cobweb rags
of rising river mists
muddy leaves lie in heavy drifts
still, dull -- this line break created a problem for me (as) it wasn't clear that the (as) in the next line belonged to the simile rather than denoting action -- I wonder if you'd consider sticking "as the" up here after "dull"
as the blood -matted fur
and empty green eyes
of the tortoiseshell cat
in the gutter
dead. -- such a visceral ending

Well, doesn't that just leave us mourning our innocence?! Sorry I've gone a bit overboard on the breakdown, I just get a little overly excited sometimes

[Todd]

Rumpled grey-sock days
scuffed-shoe, scabbed-knee days--this repetition for me sort of reminds me of the repetitious days of childhood
distances were longer then
closer to the ground.--these two lines are excellent. It's such a strong observation expressed powerfully

Dampstung colt legs buck
in awkward grace
to crazy rhythms
of bumping satchel books,--satchel books is a great addition for calling out the time of life this is. It also sets the relative age difference between the speaker and the remembered time of youth
kick at invisible traces--while I can admire the t sonics here, I would personally like to see something more concrete than traces
along tree- tunnelled lanes
prevaricating--it's a good word but it feels out of place with the childhood perspective to me.
solitary.

Trees and fields grow thin
draped in sad cobweb rags--love this. Absolutely love it
of rising river mists
muddy leaves lie in heavy drifts
still, dull--I would cosider pulling up "as the blood" just an option
as the blood -matted fur
and empty green eyes
of the tortoiseshell cat
in the gutter
dead.[b]--the ending is really good too.

There are enough touch points here for readers to tie their own childhood too. I hope the comments will be helpful to you as you consider the direction you might take this.

Very much enjoyed this.

Best,

Todd

[Ca ne fait rien]

Thank you very much everyone for the read, the comments and suggestions. I have made some edits as per- not sure how it is laid out workshopping here. I don't know what I was thinking with the 'still, dull' line- one of those where you know it is wrong but can't think how to right it, so thanks to Aish, Leanne and Todd for showing me how to fix it and make both lines work. I removed the offending 'prevaricating', hoping that the whole suggests it anyway. Cheers Abu.

[billy]

i think i'm doing the right one

Rumpled grey-sock days
scuffed-shoe, scabbed-knee days
distances were longer then
closer to the ground.
nice opener, specially the last two lines creates a good memory for the older reader. (me )
Dampstung colt legs buck for me it would read better with a hyphen between damp and stung.
in awkward grace
to crazy rhythms
of bumping satchel books,good image
kick at invisible traces
along tree- tunnelled lanes tree-tunnelled
solitary.would this work better as the 5th line?

Trees and fields grow thin
draped in sad cobweb rags
of rising river mists
muddy leaves lie in heavy drifts
still, dull as the blood -matted fur
and empty green eyes
of the tortoiseshell cat
in the gutter
dead. is this needed?

i like nostalgic poems which i thought this was.
nothing much in the way of constructive feedback apart from the hyphen things. and a line or two. some great images and a poem i could resonate with. (jmo)
thanks for the read

[addy]

this is gorgeously written. "Distances were longer then, closer to the ground" is a perfect distillation of what everyday felt like.

If I had to pick a nit, the line "and empty green eyes" didn't work for me for some reason. If I had to explain, I think its because "green" makes it the most literally vibrant line in terms of color (everything else was gray, dim, or neutral--- even blood-matted seemed more dirty rather than a vivid red) so even though you described it as dull and empty, the image of the eyes in context seems so alive (of course I accept it if it's entirely intentional on your part, where vibrance in a dead cat represents innocence slaughtered/ abandoned). That's just imo though

[Ca ne fait rien]

this is gorgeously written. "Distances were longer then, closer to the ground" is a perfect distillation of what everyday felt like.

If I had to pick a nit, the line "and empty green eyes" didn't work for me for some reason. If I had to explain, I think its because "green" makes it the most literally vibrant line in terms of color (everything else was gray, dim, or neutral--- even blood-matted seemed more dirty rather than a vivid red) so even though you described it as dull and empty, the image of the eyes in context seems so alive (of course I accept it if it's entirely intentional on your part, where vibrance in a dead cat represents innocence slaughtered/ abandoned). That's just imo though

Thank you very much Addy- that is a good pick up.

[only rob]

I like the way the tension sets in after I was set up by the pastoral scene at the beginning. I saw the landscape, inner and outer, changing, darkening, like compost or late autumn. I like it, and will leave the crit to those more accustomed to giving it. I'm glad you are here. The few of us that found new refuge here are lucky methinks.

[writeitout]

Rumpled grey-sock days
scuffed-shoe, scabbed-knee days
distances were longer then
closer to the ground.
Eliminate the first "days" to avoid redundancy from the start.

Dampstung colt legs buck
in awkward grace
to crazy rhythms
of bumping satchel books,
kick at invisible traces
along tree- tunnelled lanes
solitary.

Trees and fields grow thin
draped in sad cobweb rags
of rising river mists
muddy leaves lie in heavy drifts
still, dull as the blood -matted fur
don't need "the" in this line.
and empty green eyes
of the tortoiseshell cat
in the gutter
dead.

I love how the last stanza flowed.

Renee

[Ca ne fait rien]

Thank you very much for reading, Renee, and for the suggestions.