Graveyard dancing

[lizzyrose12]

.....

[heslopian]

First off, good poem, and I must say your enjambment has really improved; you've got the hang of it now, I think. I'd like to see you vary your themes, perhaps move away from the images of dancing and moonlight, at least for a while, but what you do you do very well, and on the whole you're quite an effective, haunting writer.

A dark October night, with music in the air.

Do you really need the comma after 'night'?

And all alone in this magical place,
Surrounded by ghosts of the past,
And stone cold graves.

I'd suggest deleting the 'and' before 'all alone,' and starting the second line with 'She's surrounded,' as that would improve the flow and syntax (IMHO).

This is the place she has come to dance,
Around the glass angels she will prance.

If I'd have written this I wouldn't put a 'the' before 'glass,' but that's just my opinion.

Not to disturb a single living soul,
Here she stays dancing in the cold.

Excellent half rhyme of 'soul' and 'cold.'

With loneliness at her side,
For it is her best friend.

Wee bit cliche, but if you must have those lines, I'd suggest putting the second in brackets.

With all the time of the night,
The glowing moon light.

Moonlight is really one word, I think, but other than that lovely.

Here, right now she is perfect a mystery dancing beneath the stars,
Tears drip rhythmically with the winds symphony,

I'd have written the first bit like this: 'Here, right now, she's a mystery beneath the stars,' and replaced 'rhythmically,' which I think is too long a word, in the second with 'down.' Nevertheless, these are my favourite lines from the piece, as they capture your gothic intent wonderfully, and are weirdly romantic and dark, like a Bronte sisters novel.

Down from her dark eyes.
And just as the sun begun to rise,
She’s gone, never to be seen again.
Back into the darkness where she can be alone,
Away from hurtful eyes,
Away from this world,
In a place of grace,
Where she continues to dance alone.

I would have ended the poem after the first 'alone,' and replaced the 'be' before it with 'dance.' Everything which succeeds it just seems slightly forced, and 'away from hurtful eyes, away from this world' comes across as cliche, and rather too angsty.

Bear in mind that all this is just my opinion; feel free to think me a fool and disregard it

[lizzyrose12]

First off, good poem, and I must say your enjambment has really improved; you've got the hang of it now, I think. I'd like to see you vary your themes, perhaps move away from the images of dancing and moonlight, at least for a while, but what you do you do very well, and on the whole you're quite an effective, haunting writer.

A dark October night, with music in the air.

Do you really need the comma after 'night'?

And all alone in this magical place,
Surrounded by ghosts of the past,
And stone cold graves.

I'd suggest deleting the 'and' before 'all alone,' and starting the second line with 'She's surrounded,' as that would improve the flow and syntax (IMHO).

This is the place she has come to dance,
Around the glass angels she will prance.

If I'd have written this I wouldn't put a 'the' before 'glass,' but that's just my opinion.

Not to disturb a single living soul,
Here she stays dancing in the cold.

Excellent half rhyme of 'soul' and 'cold.'

With loneliness at her side,
For it is her best friend.

Wee bit cliche, but if you must have those lines, I'd suggest putting the second in brackets.

With all the time of the night,
The glowing moon light.

Moonlight is really one word, I think, but other than that lovely.

Here, right now she is perfect a mystery dancing beneath the stars,
Tears drip rhythmically with the winds symphony,

I'd have written the first bit like this: 'Here, right now, she's a mystery beneath the stars,' and replaced 'rhythmically,' which I think is too long a word, in the second with 'down.' Nevertheless, these are my favourite lines from the piece, as they capture your gothic intent wonderfully, and are weirdly romantic and dark, like a Bronte sisters novel.

Down from her dark eyes.
And just as the sun begun to rise,
She’s gone, never to be seen again.
Back into the darkness where she can be alone,
Away from hurtful eyes,
Away from this world,
In a place of grace,
Where she continues to dance alone.

I would have ended the poem after the first 'alone,' and replaced the 'be' before it with 'dance.' Everything which succeeds it just seems slightly forced, and 'away from hurtful eyes, away from this world' comes across as cliche, and rather too angsty.

Bear in mind that all this is just my opinion; feel free to think me a fool and disregard it

I won't disregard it. I actually am going through a phase in poetry where I'm writing about dancing a lot. I go through weird phases like that in poetry, like a couple of months ago it was depression, than death, than flowers etc. Yeah, I hate to use cliche lines. I'll try to fix that. Thank you for pointing out all the mistakes I will try to use your corrections. Thanks!

[heslopian]

I still haven't overcome my obsession with death and depression in poetry, so your years ahead of me haha

[billy]

A dark October night, with music in the air.
She walks through the open gates as the spirits stare.
And all alone in this magical place,
Surrounded by ghosts of the past,
And stone cold graves.
This is the place she has come to dance,
Around the glass angels she will prance.
Not to disturb a single living soul,
Here she stays dancing in the cold.
With loneliness at her side,
For it is her best friend.
With all the time of the night,
The glowing moon light.
Here, right now she is perfect a mystery dancing beneath the stars,
Tears drip rhythmically with the winds symphony,
Down from her dark eyes.
And just as the sun begun to rise,
She’s gone, never to be seen again.
Back into the darkness where she can be alone,
Away from hurtful eyes,
Away from this world,
In a place of grace,
Where she continues to dance alone.

I know I have bad grammar, and I'm trying to work on enjabment but it's hard, so excuse my grammar please (But feel free to correct it) Thanks!

hi lizzy,

i've shown a few of the cliche lines (in my opinion) and there are a few more. one of the rules of thumb with cliche is; if you think you've heard before, or read it before, it's probably cliche.
as jack and you have both pointed out. the grammar needs some attention.

these lines are right and work;

In a place of grace,
Where she continues to dance alone.

this ones fell too much;

Here, right now she is perfect a mystery dancing beneath the stars,
what it's saying is;

right now she is perfect, a mystery dancing beneath the stars.

and you have;

Here she stays dancing in the cold.
With loneliness at her side,
For it is her best friend.
With all the time of the night,

she stays, dancing in the cold,
with loneliness at her side;
it is her best friend
her nightly chaperone.

(i'm crap at grammar so you'll have to check that part out yourself

for me, the here's and the for's are really excess baggage.
if you can remove a word and it still sounds good, remove it. only leave in the poem the parts that add to it. don't aim to be poetical just let it be as natural as a cheese sandwich.

the end rhymes. if you use them try and be consistent look at the spacing in between the underlined rhymes, they should be some kind of order.

near the poems end, you say eye twice, and alone twice. it's called reiteration, if you can, once you've used a word in a poem try not to use it again. (unless it's i. me, and, or the, etc. )

reiteration looks good in certain formats of poetry but in general try and avoid it.

as usual i enjoy where your going with the poem.
it gives me a feel of the swan in swan lake set in a cemetery

we're going to set a work shop forum soon where you can post a poem and have people go through it with a you a line at a time.. it should be up and running by monday

thanks for the poem lizzy.