Maybe It'll Be Alright

[heslopian]

based on "Trees" by Joyce Kilmer ( http://www.bartleby.com/104/119.html )

I don't think I shall ever be
A girl who folk'll pay to see.

Can't sing, can't dance, won't spread me legs,
So now I'm 'ere among the "dregs,"

Washin' dishes day 'n' night,
But maybe it'll be alright:

I've got me man, me cosy flat,
And me darlin' rescue cat.

Don't need no kids, can pay the rent,
Afford a long weekend in Kent.

So maybe I should shut me trap,
And take what God's put in me lap.

[billy]

hehe,

i can't see anything i'd change.
loved the first five couplets. the last one was okay though for me it felt a little flat or forced.
some of the images are just right.

what an epic couplet poem you could make this way, just an on and on and on poem.

thanks for the laugh and the read jack

[heslopian]

Thanks for the feedback and kind words, billy The original poem had this couplet: "And if I die before I wake/No crowds will mourn for me own sake." This was how the poem initially looked:

I don't think I shall ever be
A girl who folk'll pay to see.

And if I die before I wake,
No crowds will mourn for me own sake.

Can't sing, can't dance, won't spread me legs,
So now I'm 'ere among the "dregs,"

Washin' dishes day 'n' night,
But maybe it'll be alright:

I've got me man, me cosy flat,
And me darlin' rescue cat.

Don't need no kids, can pay the rent,
Afford a long weekend in Kent.

I thought the end was too truncated, and I didn't want a seventh verse, because Kilmer's original only had six. So I removed the second, which I thought was the least necessary, and then devised those last "God" lines. Looking back, they do seem quite contrived.

[billy]

And if I die before I wake, I pray the lord my soul to take

yes jack, very original


i think the first version better, for me it doesn't seem finished this way .

[heslopian]

haha No perhaps not! Plagiarising the Bible... doesn't get much worse than that