A True Gangster

[Weeded]

Edit 2

A True Gangster

I was 7 years old
when I first started.
Big homie said flip
this tree. Flipped it quick.
He said I was good.

I was 9 years old,
for the first time got
caught up. An ounce in
elementary school;
thought I was clever.

I was 12 years old,
thought I was hard
in my YA pants.
Started many fights
and gained respect.

It was at 13
life took a turn see,
I was doing a stint
when me and my homie
jacked a guard's car and fled.

To Mexico...

But federalés rolled up.
Smoked my boy
and left me all holed up.

16,
returned to normal life
wondering what's next.
I met a girl who
showed me life with love.

Six months later
the devil caught up.
Came in the form
of a car accident.
Took my life of love.

17,
three months from 18.
At the mall I carjacked
some dude who fought back,
so I kidnapped him.

To Tijuana...

But federalés rolled up.
Thought I was clever
in the spot I was holed up.

I was 19
when convicted.
Either a heartless
judge or justice heard;
Life with thirteen years.

I'm 35
looking at pictures
on visiting day.
Only relationship
my family shares.


Edit 1

A True Gangster

I was 7 years old
when I first started.
Big homie said flip
it, so I flipped it.
He said I was good.

I was 9 years old,
for the first time got
caught up. An ounce in
elementary school;
thought I was clever.

I was 12 years old,
thinking I'm a badass
in my YA pants.
Starting many fights
and gaining respect.

It was at 13
life took a turn see,
I was doing a stint
when me and my homie
jacked a guard's car and fled.

To Mexico...

But federalés rolled up.
Smoked my boy
and left me all holed up.

16,
returned to normal life
wondering what's next.
I met a girl who
showed me life with love.

Six months later
the devil caught up.
Thought I got away
but he came in force.
Took my life of love.

Rage.

17,
three months from 18.
Jacked some dude at the mall
who refused to give in,
so I kidnapped him.

To Tijuana...

But federalés rolled up.
Got me before
I could put up a fight.

I was 19
when convicted.
Either a heartless
judge or justice heard;
Life with thirteen years.

I'm 35
looking at pictures
on visiting day.
Only relation-
ship my family shares.

Regret.

Original

I was 7 years old
when I first started.
Big homie said flip
it, so I flipped it.
He said I was good.

I was 9 years old,
for the first time got
caught up. An ounce in
elementary school;
thought I was clever.

I was 12 years old,
thinking I'm a badass
in my YA pants.
Starting many fights
and gaining respect.

It was at 13,
life took a turn see,
I was doing a stint
when me and my homie
jacked a guard's car and fled.

To Mexico...

But federalés rolled up.
Smoked my boy 
and left me all holed up.

I was 16,
returned to normal life
wondering what's next.
I met a girl who
showed me life with love.

Six months later
the devil caught up.
Thought I got away
but he came in force.
Took my life of love.

Rage.

I was 17,
three months from 18.
Jacked some dude at the mall
who refused to give in,
so I kidnapped him.

To Mexico...

But federalés rolled up.
Got me before
I could put up a fight.

I was 19
when convicted.
Either a heartless
judge or it fit the crime;
Life plus thirteen years.

I'm 35
looking at pictures
on visiting day.
Telling my brother:
Never make my mistakes.

[tectak]

I was 7 years old
when I first started.
Big homie said flip
it, so I flipped it.
He said I was good.

I was 9 years old,
for the first time got
caught up. An ounce in
elementary school;
thought I was clever.

I was 12 years old,
thinking I'm a badass
in my YA pants.
Starting many fights
and gaining respect.

It was at 13,
life took a turn see,
I was doing a stint
when me and my homie
jacked a guard's car and fled.

To Mexico...

But federalés rolled up.
Smoked my boy 
and left me all holed up.

I was 16,
returned to normal life
wondering what's next.
I met a girl who
showed me life with love.

Six months later
the devil caught up.
Thought I got away
but he came in force.
Took my life of love.

Rage.

I was 17,
three months from 18.
Jacked some dude at the mall
who refused to give in,
so I kidnapped him.

To Mexico...

But federalés rolled up.
Got me before
I could put up a fight.

I was 19
when convicted.
Either a heartless
judge or it fit the crime;
Life plus thirteen years.

I'm 35
looking at pictures
on visiting day.
Telling my brother:
Never make my mistakes.

Hello weed,
this is as good as it gets. This is genre poetry but with a twist. Rather than crit it out of the genre, to what could only be detrimental, I can only say job well done. There are some grammatical inconsistencies but you could argue veracity vernacular. e.g. "Either a heartless judge or it fit the crime" . Hmmm. OK. I'm over it. Yes to this...ending a bit predictable and the weaker for it but I would go home happy.
Best,
tectak

[Weeded]

Tectak,

Thanks for the feedback. I'm grateful you viewed this as poetry, I had doubts about posting it and was close to deleting it after reading the other countless works of arts in this forum. I'd definitely argue veracity vernacular with certain intended lines like "me and my" but I wouldn't say the line you mentioned could be argued as VV. I went ahead and changed it along with a couple syllables here and there hopefully so it's not so predictable. Believe it or not this is a true story, so there's really not much I can change as far as content except maybe remove a stanza. Thanks again for reading!

[justlikeyou]

Love how this unfolds the years and lessons learned along the way and how it takes me with you.

Edit 1

A True Gangster

I was 7 years old
when I first started.
Big homie said flip
it, so I flipped it.
He said I was good. (Yes, approval can be a deceptive trap)

I was 9 years old,
for the first time got
caught up. An ounce in
elementary school;
thought I was clever. (ah, the rush that becomes addictive!)

I was 12 years old,
thinking I'm a badass
in my YA pants.
Starting many fights
and gaining respect.

It was at 13
life took a turn see,
I was doing a stint
when me and my homie
jacked a guard's car and fled.

To Mexico...(you transport me there!)

But federalés rolled up.
Smoked my boy
and left me all holed up. (I feel isolation and fear here?)

16,
returned to normal life
wondering what's next.
I met a girl who
showed me life with love. (promises lasting happiness and giving your all too it)

Six months later
the devil caught up.
Thought I got away
but he came in force.
Took my life of love.

Rage. (I FEEL it!)

17,
three months from 18.
Jacked some dude at the mall
who refused to give in,
so I kidnapped him.

To Mexico...(I go reluctantly here)

But federalés rolled up.
Got me before
I could put up a fight. (I sense relief at getting caught?)

I was 19
when convicted.
Either a heartless
judge or justice heard; (two minds, arising conscience?)
Life with thirteen years.

I'm 35
looking at pictures
on visiting day.
Only relation-
ship my family shares.

Regret. (Yes)

Original

I was 7 years old
when I first started.
Big homie said flip
it, so I flipped it.
He said I was good.

I was 9 years old,
for the first time got
caught up. An ounce in
elementary school;
thought I was clever.

I was 12 years old,
thinking I'm a badass
in my YA pants.
Starting many fights
and gaining respect.

It was at 13,
life took a turn see,
I was doing a stint
when me and my homie
jacked a guard's car and fled.

To Mexico...

But federalés rolled up.
Smoked my boy 
and left me all holed up.

I was 16,
returned to normal life
wondering what's next.
I met a girl who
showed me life with love.

Six months later
the devil caught up.
Thought I got away
but he came in force.
Took my life of love.

Rage.

I was 17,
three months from 18.
Jacked some dude at the mall
who refused to give in,
so I kidnapped him.

To Mexico...

But federalés rolled up.
Got me before
I could put up a fight.

I was 19
when convicted.
Either a heartless
judge or it fit the crime;
Life plus thirteen years.

I'm 35
looking at pictures
on visiting day.
Telling my brother:
Never make my mistakes.

[Weeded]

Justlikeyou, I appreciate the feedback. I agree with you on the 2nd "To Mexico..." rather than copy and paste an Edit 2 to change one line I'll simply edit that one line in Edit 1. Hopefully it'll take away from the possible redundance.

[justlikeyou]

Justlikeyou, I appreciate the feedback. I agree with you on the 2nd "To Mexico..." rather than copy and paste an Edit 2 to change one line I'll simply edit that one line in Edit 1. Hopefully it'll take away from the possible redundance.

My pleasure! Keep 'em comin.

[RiverNotch]

Edit 1

A True Gangster Consider removing "a"? But then might sound cliche.

I was 7 years old
when I first started.
Big homie said flip
it, so I flipped it. Enjamb here is awful. 
He said I was good.

I was 9 years old,
for the first time got
caught up. An ounce in
elementary school;
thought I was clever. Damn.

I was 12 years old,
thinking I'm a badass Something unnatural with "badass". Consider something else.
in my YA pants.
Starting many fights Mind tied between "started" and "starting". Consider change of wording.
and gaining respect.

It was at 13
life took a turn see,
I was doing a stint
when me and my homie
jacked a guard's car and fled.

To Mexico...

But federalés rolled up.
Smoked my boy
and left me all holed up.

16,
returned to normal life
wondering what's next.
I met a girl who
showed me life with love.

Six months later
the devil caught up.
Thought I got away
but he came in force.
Took my life of love. I see the importance of the taste of heaven here, reminds me of Peer Gynt. The way she got away feels empty, though, and the way she was presented feels as colorless as her leaving. There's something here worth telling, but it's lost I think in blandness.

Rage. If the earlier tale was shown with more flare, this one line wouldn't be needed. I get that this is supposed to set up the one word ending, but I'd also suggest scrapping that. Single words have power -- but never as much as single images.

17,
three months from 18.
Jacked some dude at the mall
who refused to give in,
so I kidnapped him. Feels a bit unusual to jack someone then nap someone in a mall.

To Tijuana...

But federalés rolled up.
Got me before
I could put up a fight. Another rhyme would be nice here.

I like how the two scenes with ellipsis frame the scene of beauty with the girl: they feel like the speaker's aborted attempts to true paradise, which to me is something the girl equally, but more stealthily, represents. The "Rage" bit, however, and the lack of real power in the way the girl leaves the speaker's life sort of weakens this deal, though; furthermore, the attempts of getting there feel too aborted -- they seem to depend too much on the readers' imaginations, instead of the speaker's -- especially with the lines being all cut from the big ones. You've got something here already, just it's not quite there yet.

I was 19
when convicted. Like "badass" before, there's something unnatural, unnaturally clean, with "convicted".
Either a heartless
judge or justice heard;
Life with thirteen years.

I'm 35
looking at pictures
on visiting day. Nice. Damn.
Only relation-
ship my family shares. The generally absent family. This is a rumination that's really lost because they don't really appear throughout the poem -- their absence to me is real unfelt, is too sudden. And I'm slightly bothered by the break in relationship, since the poem never seemed to play by those rules, or to not play by any rules, but that could be just me.

Regret. This is an idea better shown in the preceding stanza. Flows like an empty word -- show, don't tell. Or when telling, at least tell with prophetic style, hehe.

Poem pops, which is good, but I think it needs more consistency with the structure and more smoothness with the pop.
Oh, and consider using [ spoiler ] [ /spoiler ].

[Weeded]

Rivernotch,
Thanks for the feedback! Ill work on an edit and post soon.