Cut Me an Atmosphere

[kaxtar1]

Cut Me an Atmoshpere
the camera-shy knife
does not bleach the canvas.
It shrieks like the
handicapped sky,
it flays and breaks
the sad atmosphere.
It carves apart the
cumulus', cirrus', and
the stratus' smiles.
It parts the bones
of the Oxygen, Nitrogen,
and trace breaths.
The space station above,
turns around the pan
of the frying egg of Earth
and cringes at the sharpness
of my hidden knife.
The cave-loving under-the-
table steel steals the
shrieking sky away, 
it dampens the burning
stars above, and it 
sands away the trees' bark.
The flat frying egg of
this world, is no longer
an egg with a yolk, it's
all white here.  It's
all grown so bland.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to read my poem.  I don't generally share with a large audience at all (generally just my very caring girlfriend.)  Feel free to tear it apart and ask any questions you'd like to hear an answer to!!!

EDIT:  quickly changed the spacing in the poem.

[Tiger the Lion]

Hey Kax, I think the egg metaphor might work better with more subtlety. It's too graphic this far and consumes the poem.

Cut Me an Atmoshpere
the camera-shy knife
does not bleach the canvas;

it shrieks like the
handicapped sky;
flays and breaks
the sad atmosphere.

It carves apart the
cirrus smiles.Would prefer if you picked one type of cloud.
It parts the bones
of the Oxygen, Nitrogen,
and trace breaths.same, pick one
The space station above,
turns around flips the pan
of the frying egg of Earth
and cringes at the sharpness
of my hidden knife. these lines are awkward
The cave-loving under-the-
table steel steals the 
shrieking sky away, good 3 lines
it dampens the burning
stars above, and it 
sands away the trees' bark.
The flat frying egg of
this world, is no longer
an egg with a yolk, it's
all white here.  It's
all grown so bland.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to read my poem.  I don't generally share with a large audience at all (generally just my very caring girlfriend.)  Feel free to tear it apart and ask any questions you'd like to hear an answer to!!!

EDIT:  quickly changed the spacing in the poem.

Mostly I feel like the egg metaphor works but you overcook it. Felt like I was getting carried away in "mild" so apologies if I got to editing. I think you can work with this.
Paul

[underthewronghat]

Cut Me an Atmoshpere
the camera-shy knife
does not bleach the canvas.
It shrieks like the
handicapped sky,
it flays and breaks
the sad atmosphere.
It carves apart the
cumulus', cirrus', and
the stratus' smiles.
It parts the bones
of the Oxygen, Nitrogen,
and trace breaths.
The space station above,
turns around the pan
of the frying egg of Earth
and cringes at the sharpness
of my hidden knife.
The cave-loving under-the-
table steel steals the
shrieking sky away, 
it dampens the burning
stars above, and it 
sands away the trees' bark.
The flat frying egg of
this world, is no longer
an egg with a yolk, it's
all white here.  It's
all grown so bland.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to read my poem.  I don't generally share with a large audience at all (generally just my very caring girlfriend.)  Feel free to tear it apart and ask any questions you'd like to hear an answer to!!!

EDIT:  quickly changed the spacing in the poem.

Howdy Kaxtar,

Don't blame me, I voted for Kodos (silly Simpson's joke).
Okay.  So I differ with the other commentary.  I think extended metaphors can work fine.  I'm not sure this one does, but it's a little broken at the start, so feels a little handicapped all the way through.  One of my early favorite poems was Sylvia Plath's "Colossus" which is clearly an extended metaphor about her dad.  Robert Frost's "The Road Not Taken" is another famous poem which extends a metaphor from start to finish.  I think the success here depends on the accessibility of the metaphor.  From the start it's not simple, it's very mixed.  There's a camera for some reason, about which the knife apparently has some ambivalence.  Then there is a canvas which shows up, but doesn't get laundered by the knife, then vanishes.  These other images might fall into place if we had any idea what this crazy knife is.  The knife is your real extended metaphor.  It feels like the poem is talking about life, maybe in a big city where the air is not so good, or maybe someone important has left.  I can't make head or tail of the knife.  

It reminds me of Gil Orlivitz's "Masterindex: 23"  I'll quote  a portion of it here because I can't find a link for it online:

I hear the night hanging down in white holes
barbequing my fathers morning face
on the golden vending poles of the sun
I hear the aluminum slicer of the sea
sailing up the deafening nerve narrows
at night the phosphorescence harpooning
hummingbird spines my fathers face
hovering over nectars vaportrails
the aluminum slicer of the sea spinning
cyclones around my eyes hurtling at
hangman velocities I hear storms
grazing like cattle at night over
my black grasses...

It goes on and gets crazier.  I think this is perhaps more mixed, but the Father's face kinda glues the whole thing together, so that every image seems to inform about his relationship with his father (doesn't sound like a good one).  We get a handle on things that way.  I'd either change the knife for an obvious metaphor (vis-a-vis Robert Frost), or use some sort of accessible image as the glue for everything, or just come out and say what the knife is.  As you have it, I think the knife is an unfortunate choice as the images break down due to lack of relevance (eg the knife bleaching the canvas).  Could it be that the scene is a painter painting with oils, and that the clouds and everything are on the canvas?  If so, you need to give us that foundation, although once you get into orbit, you might need to let us know what the painter is doing that has so drastically changed the "atmosphere" of the painting.  Anyway, once we get a handle on the metaphor, then we can knit-pick over which lines really work (I like the frying pan, even though I don't know what it means).

My vote --work it as an extended metaphor, and just give us a handle on it.

--cheers

[Alexearth]

Cut Me an Atmoshpere check the title for any mistakes


the camera-shy knife not fan of the weird adjective constructions in general
does not bleach the canvas.
It shrieks like the
handicapped sky, I like the idea here, but I would find a better adjective, synonym of "hurt"
it flays and breaks
the sad atmosphere.
It carves apart the
cumulus', cirrus', and I would keep just one word for this metaphor, and not list all the cloud forms that exist
the stratus' smiles.
It parts the bones
of the Oxygen, Nitrogen, same here
and trace breaths.
The space station above,
turns around the pan
of the frying egg of Earth just "frying Earth" maybe? I like the fact that the last five lines conclude what the reader is guessing from the beginning 
and cringes at the sharpness
of my hidden knife.
The cave-loving under-the- a little too rich in words here, and too many hyphens
table steel steals the not fan of the alliteration here
shrieking sky away, 
it dampens the burning
stars above, and it 
sands away the trees' bark. sends? I don't get it.
The flat frying egg of
this world, is no longer
an egg with a yolk, it's
all white here.  It's
all grown so bland. Good

Thank you everyone for taking the time to read my poem.  I don't generally share with a large audience at all (generally just my very caring girlfriend.)  Feel free to tear it apart and ask any questions you'd like to hear an answer to!!!

EDIT:  quickly changed the spacing in the poem.

Hello Kaxtar!

I'm going to be straightforward in my answer: I think you can say more with less. Though the egg-earth metaphor is a good one, quite original, I think you should cut down your poem, get rid of some adjectives and some additional metaphors. The five last lines are great though. Good luck!

[3zu]

Ok,sure, but don't forget I'm not your very caring girlfriend & you literally begged for it - & away we go > > >

Cut Me an Atmosphere - I threw trail on your piece and could find nothing that connected back to the title - looked everywhere, perhaps I missed it?

the camera-shy knife ... why camera shy? there is no explanation in the piece itself - it gets worse, "does not bleach the canvas" ok, what canvas? I'm supposed to rely on speculation to "get it"? What I do get is that we are 9 words into the poem and all they have done for me is raise questions & left me hanging where I looked for enjoyment or to be excited about where we might be going. Too much to ask, ya think?

Now, going downhill to the next (inevitable) catastrophe - "It shrieks like the handicapped sky," - lets look at this, your first line says the knife is camera-shy and one short line later you have the knife shrieking - I don't know how you count that but it does not sound like a behavior in keeping with shyness -

"the handicapped sky" - handicapped as in horse racing or handicapped as in crippled ? World of difference between the two & you give no clue as to which is which. Much thanks for that.

Do this reader a favor and cut me a break.

No need to go further. The rest of your piece is just like what has already been covered. You are consistent at least. No need to mention the space station coming out of nowhere nor the thing you did with that egg - (shudder) - your conclusion is, "It's all grown so bland" - do you wonder why that is? Do you or have you ever wondered about the power of words? How the power of one word connects to the power of the word next to it so that together they both are raised up? Then all the words next to them are raised up on & on - the word "infinity" comes to mind,no?

Now that's exciting, and never ever grows bland. I promise.