Never Reaching the End

[71degrees]

I heard she grew up to marry
a short glass of white milk kind of guy,
but back then she was in my arms:
pink tulip skin, edible nipples
She would rub her curls against my neck,
slurp small beads of sweat from my nose

When words failed us,
we spoke only in vowels:

ahhh, you
ohhh, you

The Moody Blues had nothing
we never heard before

[shemthepenman]

hello,

I heard she grew up to marry
a short glass of white milk kind of guy, - nice line. gives us a little hint of bitterness.
but back then she was in my arms:
pink tulip skin, edible nipples - em... 'edible nipples', i don't think it fits. the image is rather brutal. however, i do kinda like the way it sounds like Oedipal nipples, not that it has any relevance.
She would rub her curls against my neck,
slurp small beads of sweat from my nose - oh dear, that sounds disgusting. :/ i would suggest exchanging this line for something a little less, slurp-sweat-nose orientated - i just think this poem is more romantic than pornographic, and as such i am not sure bodily fluids are appropriate. a fuck poem, on the other hand, let the bodily fluids flow, 's what i say!

When words failed us,
we spoke only in vowels:

ahhh, you
ohhh, you - nice little bit... one small thing, personally i could do without the 'only'.


The Moody Blues had nothing
we never heard before - ok, so i don't know anything about the moody blues. i just had to google them quickly to check if i knew any of their songs... nights in white satin, i have obviously heard, but, that's about it. in which case ii am probably missing a lot. also, there are a lot of negatives going on in these two lines.

fanks for sharin. i likes it.

[underthewronghat]

I heard she grew up to marry
a short glass of white milk kind of guy,
but back then she was in my arms:
pink tulip skin, edible nipples
She would rub her curls against my neck,
slurp small beads of sweat from my nose

When words failed us,
we spoke only in vowels:

ahhh, you
ohhh, you

The Moody Blues had nothing
we never heard before

Howdy 71.  Not sure of the reference for your name.  Is it a standard for "room temperature?"

Anyway, I'm going to agree with Shem a little.  I think this poem has a great ending with the Moody Blues reference, but as such, I think it wants to swing away from being pornographic.  But the sighs in sex are what you are comparing to the Moody Blues, and we get the connection.  I like the move from words to vowels to the Moody Blues.  I mean, we can all hear "The Nights in white Satin," ringing at the end.  The experience exceeds artistic rhapsody, and I think this poem wants to mark the limits of poetry and the inability of music to reach such heights, more than try to out-do the Moody Blues in talking about love and sex.  As such, I think this poem has to walk a fine line.  I think you want to maybe avoid the "edible" nipples, as it's slightly too sexual and overpowers the poem to some degree.  This creates a problem.

You can be very plain-Jane physical, and just pick some less-gratuitous aspects of sex to mark (ie. the sweat).  OR...
You can move toward being very poetic about euphemizing sex.

I think the second option moves toward trying to out-do The Moody Blues.  So I think you have set up your poem to offer us the feeling correctly.  We want to feel that art can approach, but not replace the experience --we want to feel the thinness of the canvas as it were.  My advice is to just avoid the nipples entirely --nipples are too awesome, and I don't think you can succeed in underplaying them to keep the focus you have at the end.  You might could get away with a more simple word like "breasts," but I still think it would be difficult.  I mean there aren't a lot of images preceding the nipples, so they really stand out (pardon the double entendre).  I think if you want to try to keep them, you might have to wedge them in with some other strong or otherwise competitive images --which might work.  A little more physicality to set a sort of high mark that British Rock, for all its energy and innovation, still can't reach.

I get the "eww" that Shem gives you over the "slurping sweat."  Musically it's great diction, so you almost get away with it, but I think "slurping" is like you maybe had some extra soda straws in bed, and you're sweating buckets.  Now the image, itself, I think it hits the mark.  Kissing all over while being sweaty.  That works for me.  Again, it's such a fine line.  Anyway, I think Shem and I parts ways over The Moody Blues.  I'm happy admitting that this is a poem aimed at an audience who have listened to and appreciate The Moody Blues.  I think that's fine for the poet to aim at a potentially esoteric reference.  It took me several years to bump into Sylvia Plath's reference to "the Greek necessity" in her Poem, "Edge."  I found it in Plato's Socrates.  I get that my education is sort of catching up to what Sylvia's was at the time she wrote it, and I'm happy to admit my ignorance because I know that she's in control, and she's pointing me toward other works.  She's raising the bar.  I think The Moody Blues is a fine reference as you have it, and I think that their passion, their musicality, and their many vowels are, indeed, iconic.  It fits fine.  I think you can just take the high ground here and tell everyone else that they'll just have to listen to The Moody Blues to understand.

Interesting subject, and a fun read.  Thanks!

[Mark A Becker]

Hello 71--
See in-line please:

I heard she grew up to marryOK we have two characters, NAR + a women
a short glass of white milk kind of guy,vs chocolate milk kinda guy?
but back then she was in my arms:so, she's N's ex
pink tulip skin, edible nipplescool color for skin. edible nipples siunds nice, but who eats nipples, lick & kiss maybe
She would rub her curls against my neck,subtle
slurp small beads of sweat from my nose"slurp" is definitely the wrong word

When words failed us,
we spoke only in vowels:like it !

ahhh, you
ohhh, youOK

The Moody Blues had nothing
we never heard beforesorta thuds for me at the end, I'm afraid. Introduce Zappa here, maybe: "cover that girl in chocolate syrup/do a nasty on the White House lawn" (F.Zappa)

I would build around speaking in vowels and lose most of the rest. For ideas Google ee cummings "She Being Brand New"

... Mark

[Jezie]

I heard she grew up to marry
a short glass of white milk kind of guy,
but back then she was in my arms:
pink tulip skin, edible nipples
She would rub her curls against my neck,
slurp small beads of sweat from my nose
When words failed us,
we spoke only in vowels:

ahhh, you
ohhh, you

The Moody Blues had nothing
we never heard before

Line two is a little confusing to me, but oddly like it. Each time I have read over it, it brings a slightly different image to mind. I have to agree that edible nipples should be avoided... But the line itself works... Slurp is a hard word in this, and I am not sure of the image it brings... One slumps spaghetti noodles, soup off a spoon, and all sorts of things... So the image I ended up with is way too much sweat just running off narrator's nose... I love the lines
"When words failed us
we spoke only in vowels"
The rest is a bit excessive... And again like the nipples too much...
Enjoyed the read over all, thanks

[71degrees]

Thanks for ALL the comments. It appears "slurp" is on its way out here

underthewronghat:

"Not sure of the reference for your name. Is it a standard for "room temperature?"

68degrees is the perfect temperature for anything. And yours?


MarkBecker:

"Introduce Zappa here, maybe…" You're kidding, right? And I love anything cummings. Thanks.

Again, thanks for all others time and effort and critiques and criticisms.

[skadragon]

I assume the first two lines are to set up a contrast of her new life and the carnal(is that the right word) imagery. I like the imagery. It is rough and effective. Slurp definitely sticks out badly. I wish the contrast was more developed. Also wish there was an ending. I felt like I was hanging on and a little deprived. Why is the narrator reminiscing now? How is it affecting the narrator?

[ellajam]

I heard she grew up to marry
a short glass of white milk kind of guy,
but back then she was in my arms:
pink tulip skin, edible nipples
She would rub her curls against my neck,
slurp small beads of sweat from my nose

When words failed us,
we spoke only in vowels:

ahhh, you
ohhh, you

The Moody Blues had nothing
we never heard before

Hi, 71, I like this, it does a good job of bringing back the sweaty sex to the soundtrack of the times. L2 would appeal to me more if I hadn't heard a similar phrase but it does a a good job of being unimpressed with with her choice.

I love what others don't, slurp/small/sweat.

She would rub her curls against my neck,
slurp small beads of sweat from my nose

These lines for me, taken with the Moody Blues, evoke an open and deep involvement in the moment.
I like the vowels too, thanks for the read, I continue to enjoy it.

[71degrees]

I assume the first two lines are to set up a contrast of her new life and the carnal(is that the right word) imagery. I like the imagery. It is rough and effective. Slurp definitely sticks out badly. I wish the contrast was more developed. Also wish there was an ending. I felt like I was hanging on and a little deprived. Why is the narrator reminiscing now? How is it affecting the narrator?

Hi, skadragon. Thanks for the items here. Two things back at ya' 1) "Also wish there was an ending" Consider the title and 2) How many years must pass before one stops reminiscing?

Glad you liked the imagery.

---

I heard she grew up to marry
a short glass of white milk kind of guy,
but back then she was in my arms:
pink tulip skin, edible nipples
She would rub her curls against my neck,
slurp small beads of sweat from my nose

When words failed us,
we spoke only in vowels:

ahhh, you
ohhh, you

The Moody Blues had nothing
we never heard before

Hi, 71, I like this, it does a  good job of bringing back the sweaty sex to the soundtrack of the times. L2 would appeal to me more if I hadn't heard a similar phrase but it does a a good job of being unimpressed with with her choice.

I love what others don't, slurp/small/sweat.

She would rub her curls against my neck,
slurp small beads of sweat from my nose

These lines for me, taken with the Moody Blues, evoke an open and deep involvement in the moment.
I like the vowels too, thanks for the read, I continue to enjoy it.

Finally…someone who likes "slurp" and understands the sex behind it Thank you.

I actually googled the questionable line you mentioned to me. One can find anything on youtube. I will reconsider using it. Thank you.

---

I heard she grew up to marry
a short glass of white milk kind of guy,
but back then she was in my arms:
pink tulip skin, edible nipples
She would rub her curls against my neck,
slurp small beads of sweat from my nose

When words failed us,
we spoke only in vowels:

ahhh, you
ohhh, you

The Moody Blues had nothing
we never heard before

Hi, 71, I like this, it does a  good job of bringing back the sweaty sex to the soundtrack of the times. L2 would appeal to me more if I hadn't heard a similar phrase but it does a a good job of being unimpressed with with her choice.

I love what others don't, slurp/small/sweat.

She would rub her curls against my neck,
slurp small beads of sweat from my nose

These lines for me, taken with the Moody Blues, evoke an open and deep involvement in the moment.
I like the vowels too, thanks for the read, I continue to enjoy it.

Finally, someone who understands "slurp" and the sexy sound to it Thanks. I googled your "similar phrase" (amazing what can be found on youtube). I am still reconsidering. Thank you.

[RiverNotch]

I heard she grew up to marry Maybe remove up?
a short glass of white milk kind of guy, Maybe remove "white"? We don't normally think of chocolate milk for this, do we?
but back then she was in my arms:
pink tulip skin, edible nipples[period? Don't see the point of removing them, with the caps, colons, commas and all, but then it is "never reaching the end"....]
She would rub her curls against my neck,
slurp small beads of sweat from my nose

Love the food porn. "Short glass of milk" speaks loads, both in its bluntness and its, er, whiteness. "Edible nipples" too blunt for the situation: would suggest more sensuously concrete reference, say, Nipples of Venus (Italian dessert, also Amadeus reference)? "Small beads of sweat from my nose" is sensuous in sound, but not really in taste: would make it as sweet as all the rest, maybe...well, what else is slurped, sweet, going in beads, and from part of a man's body? You've already fresh tits here anyway.

When words failed us,
we spoke only in vowels:

ahhh, you
ohhh, you

The Moody Blues had nothing
we never heard before With the help of Google, I think I catch the reference (band?), but I don't get it, nor do I want to right now. Well, here's an end. The sensational first stanza too easily beats everything else for me, especially this end. Maybe add bits more.

[Achebe]

Didn't quite like it from ahhhh, you onwards...but some suggested changes...

I heard she went and married
a short glass of white milk kind of guy.
But back when she was in my arms
pink tulip skin,  rosebud nipples
She would rub her curls against my neck,
Lick small beads of sweat from my nose

When words failed us,
we spoke only in vowels:

ahhh, you
ohhh, you

The Moody Blues had nothing
we never heard before

[71degrees]

I heard she grew up to marry Maybe remove up?
a short glass of white milk kind of guy, Maybe remove "white"? We don't normally think of chocolate milk for this, do we?
but back then she was in my arms:
pink tulip skin, edible nipples[period? Don't see the point of removing them, with the caps, colons, commas and all, but then it is "never reaching the end"....]
She would rub her curls against my neck,
slurp small beads of sweat from my nose

Love the food porn. "Short glass of milk" speaks loads, both in its bluntness and its, er, whiteness. "Edible nipples" too blunt for the situation: would suggest more sensuously concrete reference, say, Nipples of Venus (Italian dessert, also Amadeus reference)? "Small beads of sweat from my nose" is sensuous in sound, but not really in taste: would make it as sweet as all the rest, maybe...well, what else is slurped, sweet, going in beads, and from part of a man's body? You've already fresh tits here anyway.

When words failed us,
we spoke only in vowels:

ahhh, you
ohhh, you

The Moody Blues had nothing
we never heard before With the help of Google, I think I catch the reference (band?), but I don't get it, nor do I want to right now. Well, here's an end. The sensational first stanza too easily beats everything else for me, especially this end. Maybe add bits more.

The poem won't work if you had to google the band. But thanks anyway.

---

Didn't quite like it from ahhhh, you onwards...but some suggested changes...

I heard she went and married
a short glass of white milk kind of guy.
But back when she was in my arms
pink tulip skin,  rosebud nipples
She would rub her curls against my neck,
Lick small beads of sweat from my nose

When words failed us,
we spoke only in vowels:

ahhh, you
ohhh, you

The Moody Blues had nothing
we never heard before

A change w/o a reason doesn't do much for me. But thanks anyway.