The One I Never Slept With

[DivineMsEmm]

The One I Never Slept With

The bad-good boy smelling of some sweet
cologne – a hint of vanilla and a tang
that hung in the air when you passed
by. I close my eyes and I'm back
in the musty new bookstore
where the clerk asked if you should
pay for my journals.
It could have been the way
we had matching conference totes or
tattoos on our arms or
that we spoke
of Robert Bly and
Sharon Olds and
how
I-am-going-to-spend-way-too-much-money-on-this-trip.

It's not your writing I fell for.


What if he knows
I still think of
your sweet smell
your firm arms
that when I
am floating
above
myself
with him
that I
just
lust
for
you

[i.might.be.a.bit.sad]

The One I Never Slept With

The bad-good boy smelling of some sweet I think i get what you mean by "bad-good boy" but it is still sorta unclear...either decide on one or use a different phrase with more meaning.
cologne – a hint of vanilla and a tang
that hung in the air when you passed This first sentence-y thing is actually a fragment. Read it like prose and try to find a way to add in a verb
by. I close my eyes and I'm back
in the musty new bookstore"musty new" doesn't make sense to me...
where the clerk asked if you should
pay for my journals.
It could have been the way
we had matching conference totes or
tattoos on our arms or
that we spoke
of Robert Bly and
Sharon Olds and
how
I-am-going-to-spend-way-too-much-money-on-this-trip. Love this

It's not your writing I fell for.

Some sort of transition here would really help...get us into the mode of "Now i am with a different person" or at least away from the bookstore setting
What if he knows that
I still think of
your sweet smell
your firm arms,
that when I
am floating
above
myselfam floating above myself with him as one line would give the tail end more influence
with him
that I
justjust on previous line
lust
for
you

I like the premise...although it does seem a tad bit cliche to me. In the description of the bookstore-guy, add more stuff about why he is different, not just the tatted poetry lover that I see in indie movies everywhere. One place you could do this is to really expand on the "bad-good boy" phrase...if it wasn't hidden in all that other description it would add a lot to the poem. I like the last stanza, and i like the first part, but there needs to be more of a connection. Overall, great read. Thanks.

[Erthona]

DivineMsEmm,

If you are going to use the phrase the "bad-good boy", which I do not necessarily recommend, I would suggest writing it the "good, bad boy", not that conveys much either. I find the lineation disruptive and as this reads more as prose I see no point to it unless you are trying to show a trailing off, which is fairly juvenile.

No it could not have been "that we spoke of Robert Bly and Sharon Olds and how
I-am-going-to-spend-way-too-much-money-on-this-trip."

This has nothing to do with what precedes it.

Also with much of this poem, I have difficulty defining who is who.

Best,


Dale

[Todd]

I love the title. One very minor comment, if you simply cut "The bad-good boy" and lead with "smelling of some sweet" it would improve the read and the opening a great deal. Optionally, you could also pull up cologne to end the line if you made those cuts. Though, again that's just an option.

Best,

Todd

[cjchaffin]

The One I Never Slept With

The bad-good boy smelling of some sweet
cologne – a hint of vanilla and a tang love this
that hung in the air when you passed
by. I close my eyes and I'm back
in the musty new bookstore
where the clerk asked if you should
pay for my journals.
It could have been the way
we had matching conference totes or ha!
tattoos on our arms or
that we spoke
of Robert Bly and
Sharon Olds and yes yes yes!

how
I-am-going-to-spend-way-too-much-money-on-this-trip.

It's not your writing I fell for.


What if he knows
I still think of
your sweet smell
your firm arms
that when I
am floating
above
myself
with him
that I
just
lust
for
you

hi Ms Emm,
i like this a lot, it's a great premise and easy to relate to. what frustrated me was that second strophe. it just seemed like a let down,
especially with how well the first is written. i don't like the way it just sinks down the page; it makes it difficult to read and it doesn't really add any depth.
you do your poem a disservice by ending weakly when you could have carried the power of the first strophe straight into the second. 
that said, i love the way the first comes together. the references are personal enough to make me go "hmm..." but familiar enough that i didn't go "huh?
i think you could beef up that second strophe they way you did the first and really smack the reader hard instead of deflating. 
i only say this because i love love loved this and so wanted the ending to be stronger. i think you can do better. in fact, i'm sure of it 
thanks for posting this, it really got my attention.

[billy]

hi Emm.

i think the first part works well; though not too much of the enjambment, i've seen the bad-good boy comments and i'm on the fence with it.
while it works for me it would still work without it. the latter section of the poem needs a bit more depth and a few words less.

The One I Never Slept With

The bad-good boy smelling of some sweet
cologne – a hint of vanilla and a tang
that hung in the air when you passed
by. I close my eyes and I'm back the enjambment doesn't work for me if feels convoluted
in the musty new bookstore
where the clerk asked if you should
pay for my journals.
It could have been the way
we had matching conference totes or
tattoos on our arms or
that we spoke
of Robert Bly and
Sharon Olds and
how
I-am-going-to-spend-way-too-much-money-on-this-trip.

It's not your writing I fell for.


What if he knows
I still think of
your sweet smell
your firm arms
that when I
am floating float
above
myself
with him
that I
just
lust
for
you