Flight

[fluorescent.43]

Finalish revision:

there was a little girl who loved the world.
today's july.

the years are falling
through my fingers.

i live in (the ownership of) a dream where
flames lick my neck and tattoo my wrist.

is it possible
to drown in my ashes?

there was a little girl who believed
she could make things last.
that we'd be playing with the clouds;
that we'd be stringing stars through a broken chain.
that we'd have time.

there was a little girl who realized
she was losing herself
in a sea of suburban skies.
next july i'll be not-quite sixteen,
and no time left for this dreaming shit.

i'll say this to you:
don't forget where your abandoned dreams sit.

there was a little girl who cocked her gun
and thought everyone was a target.
i pulled the trigger and-
-and the sun was swallowed by a bottleneck sky and-
-and the flames made me cry.

there is a young woman who doesn't know
if she's strong enough to
stand below a blue sky.
teen spirit spews forth,
staining my hands.

i stand on red clay...
skeletons are buried here.

there is a young woman who who wants to fly.
the weight of reality ties
her ankles to the earth.

Revision (lots of thanks to Todd and Billy for the critique!):

there was a little girl who loved the world.
today’s july.

the years are falling
through my fingers.

i live (in the ownership of) a dream where
flames lick my neck and tattoo my wrist.

it’s burning me.

there was a little girl who believed
she could make things last.
that we’d be playing with the clouds;
that we’d be stringing stars through a broken chain.
that we’d have time.

there was a little girl who realized

i’m losing myself.

next july i’ll be not-quite sixteen.
no time left for this dreaming shit.

don’t forget where your abandoned dreams sit:
piled on my shoulders, etched in my eyes.

there was a little girl who cocked her gun
and thought everyone was a target.
i pulled the trigger and—
—and the sun was swallowed by a bottleneck sky and—
—and the flames made me cry.

there is a young woman who doesn’t know
if she’s strong enough
to stand below a blue sky.
the teen spirit i carry
is spilling over, staining my hands.

i stand on red clay…
skeletons are buried here.

there is a young woman who wants to fly.
the weight of reality ties
her ankles to the earth.

when did it begin to start?
...was it ever there
to begin with?

fire, guttering on paper scraps
smoke, rising from what’s being burned.

[[note: is this revision too long? should i pare it down?]]

Original:

there was a little girl who loved the world.
today’s july (my god, where do the years go?
they’re falling through my fingers)
i live in (the ownership of) a dream where
flames lick my neck and tattoo my wrist.

there was a little girl who believed
she could make things last.
that we’d keep on fighting this idealistic war,
that we’d be stringing stars through a broken chain.
that’d we have time.

there was a little girl who realized
she was losing herself.
next july i’ll be not-quite sixteen,
and no time left for this dreaming shit
(don’t forget where your abandoned dreams sit)

there was a little girl who cocked her gun
and thought everyone was a target.
until her eyes blurred, and the scene changed—
a different war, lined in bloody guts.
laugh all you want, but i’ll just keep on
marching, with my flickering torches of pretense.

there’s a young woman who doesn’t know
what she’s fighting for.
nothing harder than teen spirit,
but it’s spilling over, staining my hands.
(when did i grow so strong?)

there’s a young woman who wants to fly.
the weight of reality ties her ankles to the earth.
(when did it begin to start?
fire, guttering on paper scraps
smoke, rising plaintively from what’s being burned)

[Todd]

Hi Melody,


Welcome to the site! I've read this through a few times, here's some feedback for your consideration below:

there was a little girl who loved the world.--I like this opening/refrain. It gives it a fable or parable quality that I like. 
today’s july (my god, where do the years go?
they’re falling through my fingers)--This may just be preference but I'm not as fond of these parenthetical asides. I think they pull me out of the read, and sound a bit clunky as internal dialogue (whether it is truly internal dialogue, it could be another person reflecting on the girl, it could also be the young woman reflecting back and clarifying the earlier experience).
i live in (the ownership of) a dream where--Same here, though at least in this case I get the sense of it being the older girl reclarifying (if that is even your intent).
flames lick my neck and tattoo my wrist. --Nice visual image

there was a little girl who believed--Nice line break
she could make things last.--When I like the poem best it makes statements like these opening lines and then provides a compelling image. 
that we’d keep on fighting this idealistic war,--This feels a bit too direct. I'd consider cutting it.
that we’d be stringing stars through a broken chain.--This feels young and innocent and lovely, but still sad when you consider line 2 and line 5
that’d we have time.--Typo: that we'd 

there was a little girl who realized--Be careful with too many static in your head type verbs to break on
she was losing herself.--Sounds good on the surface but really a bit vague. 
next july i’ll be not-quite sixteen,
and no time left for this dreaming shit
(don’t forget where your abandoned dreams sit)

there was a little girl who cocked her gun
and thought everyone was a target.--Wonderful phrasing and imagery in these two lines. A much better version of what some of the thoughts of idealistic war above also implied.
until her eyes blurred, and the scene changed—
a different war, lined in bloody guts.
laugh all you want, but i’ll just keep on 
marching, with my flickering torches of pretense.--These last three lines feel a bit vague and could use a more grounding image. Flickering torches of pretense lacks substance.

there’s a young woman who doesn’t know--I think you may want to keep the cadence of there was/is as opposed to the contraction.
what she’s fighting for.
nothing harder than teen spirit,
but it’s spilling over, staining my hands.
(when did i grow so strong?)--More show, less reflective question 

there’s a young woman who wants to fly.
the weight of reality ties her ankles to the earth.
(when did it begin to start?--Not a fan of the parentheses or this particular line. I like the rest except for plaintively which is hard to see in smoke, and feels a bit bolted on. 
fire, guttering on paper scraps
smoke, rising plaintively from what’s being burned)

I may be pushing the propriety of the Mild forum, so I'll stop there. There is a lot I like here. I hope the comments help some.

Best,

Todd

[NobodyNothing]

I like this.  Don't have it in me to do much of a constructive critique.  You understand things poetically.  That's obvious.  

Anyway....welcome.  

(PS> Don't tell me you're like 24 or something.  Then I'll hate you)

(PSS> I haven't interacted with "Todd" on this site,  but he really reads well and gives his best in criticism (which is usually very good).  It's a bit of an honor to get such a thing from him, methinks.)

[fluorescent.43]

Hi Melody,


Welcome to the site! I've read this through a few times, here's some feedback for your consideration below:

there was a little girl who loved the world.--I like this opening/refrain. It gives it a fable or parable quality that I like. 
today’s july (my god, where do the years go?
they’re falling through my fingers)--This may just be preference but I'm not as fond of these parenthetical asides. I think they pull me out of the read, and sound a bit clunky as internal dialogue (whether it is truly internal dialogue, it could be another person reflecting on the girl, it could also be the young woman reflecting back and clarifying the earlier experience).
i live in (the ownership of) a dream where--Same here, though at least in this case I get the sense of it being the older girl reclarifying (if that is even your intent).
flames lick my neck and tattoo my wrist. --Nice visual image

there was a little girl who believed--Nice line break
she could make things last.--When I like the poem best it makes statements like these opening lines and then provides a compelling image. 
that we’d keep on fighting this idealistic war,--This feels a bit too direct. I'd consider cutting it.
that we’d be stringing stars through a broken chain.--This feels young and innocent and lovely, but still sad when you consider line 2 and line 5
that’d we have time.--Typo: that we'd 

there was a little girl who realized--Be careful with too many static in your head type verbs to break on
she was losing herself.--Sounds good on the surface but really a bit vague. 
next july i’ll be not-quite sixteen,
and no time left for this dreaming shit
(don’t forget where your abandoned dreams sit)

there was a little girl who cocked her gun
and thought everyone was a target.--Wonderful phrasing and imagery in these two lines. A much better version of what some of the thoughts of idealistic war above also implied.
until her eyes blurred, and the scene changed—
a different war, lined in bloody guts.
laugh all you want, but i’ll just keep on 
marching, with my flickering torches of pretense.--These last three lines feel a bit vague and could use a more grounding image. Flickering torches of pretense lacks substance.

there’s a young woman who doesn’t know--I think you may want to keep the cadence of there was/is as opposed to the contraction.
what she’s fighting for.
nothing harder than teen spirit,
but it’s spilling over, staining my hands.
(when did i grow so strong?)--More show, less reflective question 

there’s a young woman who wants to fly.
the weight of reality ties her ankles to the earth.
(when did it begin to start?--Not a fan of the parentheses or this particular line. I like the rest except for plaintively which is hard to see in smoke, and feels a bit bolted on. 
fire, guttering on paper scraps
smoke, rising plaintively from what’s being burned)

I may be pushing the propriety of the Mild forum, so I'll stop there. There is a lot I like here. I hope the comments help some.

Best,

Todd

thanks very much for the critique! it's much appreciated. all the things you mentioned make a lot of sense and i'll be sure to use your comments to edit this. the parentheses are reflections from an older self, but you're right- it is a bit jarring and confusing if you're not the poet (oops!).

I like this.  Don't have it in me to do much of a constructive critique.  You understand things poetically.  That's obvious.  

Anyway....welcome.  

(PS> Don't tell me you're like 24 or something.  Then I'll hate you)

(PSS> I haven't interacted with "Todd" on this site,  but he really reads well and gives his best in criticism (which is usually very good).  It's a bit of an honor to get such a thing from him, methinks.)

thanks for... the sort of critique? haha. you're right, i should probably be grateful Todd gave me some feedback. and as for your post-scripts, i'm not quite 24. so don't hate me!

[NobodyNothing]

You really love words and language and grammar and form and the striving to evoke and convey the sensitivities and sensibilities of the subtle and transient beauty you once saw so clearly and are trying to resurrect in the body and mind of yourself and another through the reviving of memory and the painstaking reconstruction of your words into something resembling poetic transcendence.

I like that.

I bet you're really smart.  

 

[billy]

i've stopped before over doing it

the poem as some cliche but overall it's okay. the flames line stood out for me but i'd like to see it expanded on. it feels a little wordy in places

there was a little girl who loved the world. not a very interesting start but if you read the poem a few time it works as a refrain.
today’s july (my god, where do the years go? i like the today's july the () didn't work well enough to keep here for me
they’re falling through my fingers)
i live in (the ownership of) a dream where here they do work well enough
flames lick my neck and tattoo my wrist.  a good strong image though i now want to know why

there was a little girl who believed the enjambment here works well
she could make things last.
that we’d keep on fighting this idealistic war, feels a little too easy because it doesn't really say anything
that we’d be stringing stars through a broken chain. another great image, like the use of stars and broken chains which to me represent a broken childhood
that’d we have time.

there was a little girl who realized
she was losing herself.
next july i’ll be not-quite sixteen,
and no time left for this dreaming shit
(don’t forget where your abandoned dreams sit)

there was a little girl who cocked her gun
and thought everyone was a target.
until her eyes blurred, and the scene changed—
a different war, lined in bloody guts.
laugh all you want, but i’ll just keep on
marching, with my flickering torches of pretense.

there’s a young woman who doesn’t know
what she’s fighting for.
nothing harder than teen spirit,
but it’s spilling over, staining my hands.
(when did i grow so strong?) this stanza feels cliche

there’s a young woman who wants to fly.
the weight of reality ties her ankles to the earth.
(when did it begin to start?
fire, guttering on paper scraps
smoke, rising plaintively from what’s being burned)

[fluorescent.43]

am i allowed to bump this? i'd like some critique on my revision, but i'm not sure if this is allowed, so i'll just go ahead and do it!

[ellajam]

am i allowed to bump this? i'd like some critique on my revision, but i'm not sure if this is allowed, so i'll just go ahead and do it!

It's fine to bump to let us know you've put an edit up.

[cidermaid]

Hi,  I think you have made some really good editing choices.  I'll give you a few thoughts on this version.

[quote='fluorescent.43' pid='193544' dateline='1436284874']
Revision (lots of thanks to Todd and Billy for the critique!):

there was a little girl who loved the world.
today’s july.   I really like this as a crisp opener.  One thing i will say from the off, is that I would like to see a bit of clarity in the form of consistant use of punctuation.  if you are going to use periods then i would prefer the use of capitalisation as well to give me some reading leads.


the years are falling
through my fingers.   Nice lines.  Like the use of italics through this piece to denote the reflective voice.

i live (in the ownership of) a dream where
flames lick my neck and tattoo my wrist. Nice images here.


it’s burning me.   Note sure i needed this line.

there was a little girl who believed
she could make things last.
that we’d be playing with the clouds;
that we’d be stringing stars through a broken chain.
that we’d have time.   Realy love this whole stanza.


there was a little girl who realized

i’m losing myself.   wondered why this line and the two below was not connected to the one above.  All of these lines spaces are quite distracting to the flow of the read I think.


next july i’ll be not-quite sixteen.
no time left for this dreaming shit.

don’t forget where your abandoned dreams sit:   Not sure these words were needed, felt overly wordy.
piled on my shoulders, etched in my eyes.

there was a little girl who cocked her gun
and thought everyone was a target.
i pulled the trigger and—  Not sure I is needed...but still thinking this over.
—and the sun was swallowed by a bottleneck sky and—
—and the flames made me cry.

there is a young woman who doesn’t know
if she’s strong enough
to stand below a blue sky.
the teen spirit i carry   Not so sure about these last two lines.  Again feel wordy for the emotion.  Perhaps as a suggestion :
A teen spirit spilling over,
staining my hands.
is spilling over, staining my hands.

i stand on red clay…
skeletons are buried here.   Love these lines.  Very strong.

there is a young woman who wants to fly.
the weight of reality ties
her ankles to the earth.    Think you should end here.  The last lines feel overdone and forced to my read.


when did it begin to start?
...was it ever there
to begin with?

fire, guttering on paper scraps
smoke, rising from what’s being burned.

[[note: is this revision too long? should i pare it down?]]

Well done this is some excellent writing.  All the best AJ.

[fluorescent.43]

thanks to everyone who's read and critiqued this! i think this revision is good enough for my tastes to move on, but feel free to let me know what you think of it or if there's anything that needs to be fixed, still.  

[Todd]

Before I comment extensively on your last revision, line 9 believe should be believed. Minor typo.

[fluorescent.43]

ack! thanks for the notice. i type too quickly for my own good.

[fluorescent.43]

thanks Betralion for the critique. you made some great points, but i think you may have missed the fact that much of this poem was metaphorical... not really literal. cocking a gun or playing with the clouds doesn't necessarily mean that i'm actually cocking a gun or playing with the clouds (which is impossible, as you noted). i'd thought it'd be quite clear reading through it, but i guess i'm totally wrong about that.  hanks for the opinions, though.