Salt Water

[HelenaHandbasket]

Your bones are filled with salt water
Doldrums beat in your hulls
Your wood is bleached, twisted in cliffs
Time wounds your heals
Echoes are hollow reminders that no one thinks the way you do
Rain drops spring like dancers
Nose burns like a house fire
Bread crumbs kill ducks and wad up in your throat
So you hold her at arm’s length.

If you can see her feet, maybe this one will stay
If you have to count on your toes
How many of her roots have laced through you
Maybe that means that this one will stay
At night she’ll shake like an alarm
Her eyes will flash in your darkness like a lighthouse
Let your roots find her’s
And let her light unhinge your bones
And you can beat against the sea together
Instead of letting it beat inside you

[rowens]

It's all right to me so far. I'll read it again. When I get a better grip on myself. The hers doesn't need the '.
To say more important things, I'll have to get my reading mood back.
Though I read it three times, and I so far like it more than dislike it. Not that I dislike it any. I'd just prefer to read it with my full attention.

[Todd]

Hi HHB,

Welcome to the site! Here are some comments for you:

I like you're title and first line. It like that you allude to sadness without blatantly beating us over the head. You make stylistic choices CAPs at the beginning of the line and no end punctuation--not an issue. As you don't enjamb the lines, I didn't find it confusing.

Your bones are filled with salt water
Doldrums beat in your hulls--Nice play on an internal roiling sea of misery. I like the imagery a great deal. It gets the poem off to a good start
Your wood is bleached, twisted in cliffs--If there was a way you could minimize the your's in this piece, it might be tighter
Time wounds your heals--Nice inversion of the expected cliche. You do that a lot, and I like it. You expect depressed poem cliches and what you get is something slightly at a slant. The slant makes for a fun read
Echoes are hollow reminders that no one thinks the way you do--beautiful line. Evocative idea. It gives the sense that we may all look alike, but we are aliens on the inside
Rain drops spring like dancers--again great image. Nice play on spring with rain. Since you're switching the imagery up, this may be a good line to start a new strophe on.
Nose burns like a house fire
Bread crumbs kill ducks and wad up in your throat--end punctuation would allow you to break the line after ducks, as it stands you've made the right decision keeping the line intact.
So you hold her at arm’s length.--given the last line I think you can lose the you. This lines let's us know what the issue is. I can see why you've kept this as one strophe given the content so I may rescind my earlier break idea, but it still may have merit. Play around with maybe, if you agree

If you can see her feet, maybe this one will stay--quirky but interesting. An expectation of her running away
If you have to count on your toes
How many of her roots have laced through you--I love the roots laced phrasing and the concept. These two lines feel like they have an odd transition between them though
Maybe that means that this one will stay--Maybe a simpler refrain repeating the last cutting "that means"
At night she’ll shake like an alarm
Her eyes will flash in your darkness like a lighthouse--I'm not a fan of "in your darkness" though I like the imagery you're going with
Let your roots find her’s--find feels wrong. A better more evocative substitute
And let her light unhinge your bones--In my opinion this should be your last line. It has better symmetry
And you can beat against the sea together--cut "you can"
Instead of letting it beat inside you--Too telling, I'd cut it

Just some thoughts. I very much enjoyed the read.

Best,

Todd

[billy]

not sure if it's a self poem or a poem meant for someone nearby who the narrator is close to, someone who they don't wish to see hurt again.
the extended metaphor works well at the beginning though the duck thing had me stumped. i liked a lot of the images (specially the salty ones)

thanks for the read, it was enjoyable.

Your bones are filled with salt water wondered if 'it' would have been enough seeing as it's already in the title?
Doldrums beat in your hulls is he a catamaran would hull suffice i like the image but i'm not sure that doldrums go well with beats, a suggestion would be lap, or wash, or lick etc. would 'on' work better than 'in'?
Your wood is bleached, twisted in cliffs i love this image, it feels like so final
Time wounds your heals i wonder if this is a little too clever, it does work for me but only just.
Echoes are hollow reminders that no one thinks the way you do normally i'd read this as wordy but in the context of the poem it's bloody excellent; it shows a sensitivity.
Rain drops spring like dancers
Nose burns like a house fire the simile here doesn't work for me. i'm trying to work out why the nose is burning?
Bread crumbs kill ducks and wad up in your throat again here i'm struggling to get a grip on the metaphor. it could be me with the problem and not the metaphor but i'm just mentioning it
So you hold her at arm’s length. as a statement this works well, as advice it doesn't need 'you' i read it as a statement, maybe a comma after so, if that's the case.

If you can see her feet, maybe this one will stay
If you have to count on your toes
How many of her roots have laced through you
Maybe that means that this one will stay
At night she’ll shake like an alarm
Her eyes will flash in your darkness like a lighthouse
Let your roots find her’s [hers] not sure about the 2nd roots.
And let her light unhinge your bones, i have no idea what this means but i love it is 'and' needed? i'm okay with the repetition of bones as it acts like a hook
And you can beat against the sea together
Instead of letting it beat inside you

[milo]

I enjoyed reading this. The images and fresh use of language were a treat. "At night she'll shake like an alarm" was my favourite.