Brain Game

[lennox222]

Of all that makes us what we are,
Engine of past and future gain,
Our greatest gift, our brightest star,
Man’s unknowable, knowing brain.

Countless billions of pathways bear,
Our deepest and most fleeting thoughts,
All that it means to be aware
Lies trapped within its daily plots.

Yet, deep within its function hides,
A subtle and inhuman trait,
A reptile reflex that provides
The core determinant of fate.

Each of us thinks that we decide,
By considered thought, our best plan,
Not knowing that we have just relied
On the reptile urge of the inner man.

Here is the mark of reptile lust
That all about us is danger,
Self-protect and never trust,
Anyone who is a stranger.

Search deep within our history book,
With an unblinking, reptile eye,
See fellow men with jaundiced look,
Common humanity deny.

We all must summon our left brain,
Our reptile impulse to resist,
Rationalise and then restrain,
Persuade the right brain to desist.

Let our power of logic reveal,
Our world and mankind as they are,
Lay the ground for our souls to heal,
Let tolerance be our guiding star.

[milo]

For a first poem from a novice poet it is pretty good. Your meter is off in a few patches and you have a bit of awkward phrasing like "Engine of past and future gain" , "we decide, By considered thought", etc. I was surprised to see this in the serious critique forum but there certainly aren't any rules against it, I just feel it might be better suited to some polishing before the "serious" shredding that this forum is known for.

[UnicornRainbowCake]

Brain Game.

Of all that makes us what we are,
Engine of past and future gain, This line really doesn't read right
Our greatest gift, our brightest star, Is 'greatest gift' and 'brightest star' the best description you can come up with?
Man’s unknowable, knowing brain. This line is alright, but the oxymoron seems awkward

Countless billions of pathways bear, Take away the comma
Our deepest and most fleeting thoughts,
All that it means to be aware
Lies trapped within its daily plots.

Yet, deep within its function hides,
A subtle and inhuman trait,
A reptile reflex that provides
The core determinant of fate. Not a bad stanza but it's comprised mainly of words which just sound fancy. Less is more, you know

Each of us thinks that we decide,
By considered thought, our best plan,
Not knowing that we have just relied
On the reptile urge of the inner man.Call me stupid, but I never knew we had reptile urges. It doesn't immediately mean something to the reader. I just have visions of me running around like a newt.

Here is the mark of reptile lust Reptile, again
That all about us is danger,
Self-protect and never trust,
Anyone who is a stranger. We know not to trust strangers. Find something else.

Search deep within our history book, add an s
With an unblinking, reptile eye, REPTILE
See fellow men with jaundiced look, add an s
Common humanity deny.

We all must summon our left brain,
Our reptile impulse to resist, ...again
Rationalise and then restrain,
Persuade the right brain to desist.

Let our power of logic reveal,
Our world and mankind as they are,
Lay the ground for our souls to heal,
Let tolerance be our guiding star. So your poem isn't about reptiles, it's about tolerance right? It's about people being better to each other? It's very unclear.

The poem feels to me like a mass of different ideas all merged together into one. Is it about tolerance, or something else? Pick one and really focus on it. Think of events around it, of how people are now and how people should be, and write about that. Get rid of the rhyming scheme, as your overuse of 'fancy' words makes it sluggish and have no flow, meaning the rhyme is useless.

This is all my opinion though and I'm sure some will disagree, but happy editing

[billy]

hi lennox, no line by feedback here. just a few generalities
it's telly in that it straight out telling us the story/poem. try and use a few images.
Countless billions of pathways bear,

could be something along the lines of;

an infinity of connections giving birth (an example)

there's a lot of cliche, if a cliche is used it needs to be used well and often with intent. here that doesn't feel to be the case. i'm thinking the reptile reflex etc has something to do with the tree of knowledge, i'm not sure that metaphor works in this instance. if it's something else, i can't see it.
the main problem i see with it is that it feels trite/forced too poetical/contrived. it needs to feel and read naturally, it needs some depth, it has to make us become part of it.

you're brave to be posting it in serious and i agree with milo, for a novice poet it's a good effort. if you can, try to edit (even if it's only in small steps) you'll reap the benefits more than you can imagine.
thanks for posting it

Brain Game.

Of all that makes us what we are,
Engine of past and future gain,
Our greatest gift, our brightest star,
Man’s unknowable, knowing brain.

Countless billions of pathways bear,
Our deepest and most fleeting thoughts,
All that it means to be aware
Lies trapped within its daily plots.

Yet, deep within its function hides,
A subtle and inhuman trait,
A reptile reflex that provides
The core determinant of fate.

Each of us thinks that we decide,
By considered thought, our best plan,
Not knowing that we have just relied
On the reptile urge of the inner man.

Here is the mark of reptile lust
That all about us is danger,
Self-protect and never trust,
Anyone who is a stranger.

Search deep within our history book,
With an unblinking, reptile eye,
See fellow men with jaundiced look,
Common humanity deny.

We all must summon our left brain,
Our reptile impulse to resist,
Rationalise and then restrain,
Persuade the right brain to desist.

Let our power of logic reveal,
Our world and mankind as they are,
Lay the ground for our souls to heal,
Let tolerance be our guiding star.

[lennox222]

Brain Game.

Of all that makes us what we are,
Engine of past and future gain, This line really doesn't read right
Our greatest gift, our brightest star, Is 'greatest gift' and 'brightest star' the best description you can come up with?
Man’s unknowable, knowing brain. This line is alright, but the oxymoron seems awkward



Countless billions of pathways bear, Take away the comma
Our deepest and most fleeting thoughts,
All that it means to be aware
Lies trapped within its daily plots.

Yet, deep within its function hides,
A subtle and inhuman trait,
A reptile reflex that provides
The core determinant of fate. Not a bad stanza but it's comprised mainly of words which just sound fancy. Less is more, you know

Each of us thinks that we decide,
By considered thought, our best plan,
Not knowing that we have just relied
On the reptile urge of the inner man.Call me stupid, but I never knew we had reptile urges. It doesn't immediately mean something to the reader. I just have visions of me running around like a newt.

Here is the mark of reptile lust Reptile, again
That all about us is danger,
Self-protect and never trust,
Anyone who is a stranger. We know not to trust strangers. Find something else.

Search deep within our history book, add an s
With an unblinking, reptile eye, REPTILE
See fellow men with jaundiced look, add an s
Common humanity deny.

We all must summon our left brain,
Our reptile impulse to resist, ...again
Rationalise and then restrain,
Persuade the right brain to desist.

Let our power of logic reveal,
Our world and mankind as they are,
Lay the ground for our souls to heal,
Let tolerance be our guiding star. So your poem isn't about reptiles, it's about tolerance right? It's about people being better to each other? It's very unclear.

The poem feels to me like a mass of different ideas all merged together into one. Is it about tolerance, or something else? Pick one and really focus on it. Think of events around it, of how people are now and how people should be, and write about that. Get rid of the rhyming scheme, as your overuse of 'fancy' words makes it sluggish and have no flow, meaning the rhyme is useless.

This is all my opinion though and I'm sure some will disagree, but happy editing

Many thanks for the critique.

Would be grateful if you would identify the "fancy" words.

Is the "unknowable, knowing brain" really an oxymoron?

I was intending that there would be a single idea - a primitive "right brain" mindset that undermines our decision making and makes us defensive and intolerant.

"Reptile" and "reptile urge" refers to the primitive "fight or flight" brain that lies at the base of our cerebrum - nothing really to do with reptiles, per se.

I did not intend a literal "stranger", but a reflex caution of and resentment against anything that is strange/different to us.

Hope this makes the poem a bit clearer in meaning.

Thanks again for your critique

[billy]

the unknowable, knowing part seems to be. that said, i see nowt wrong with using an oxymoron.

[lennox222]

the unknowable, knowing part seems to be. that said, i see nowt wrong with using an oxymoron.

Thanks for the comment.

The brain is knowing, but no one will ever know, (understand), its miraculous structure and function.

When you think of the expression in this way, it is a paradox,(my intention), rather than an oxymoron.

[billy]

an oxymoron is created by two opposing words or distinctions

a combination of contradictory or incongruous words

therefore if it is or it isn't one is dependent on the wording, not what you intend

a paradox is something that is contradictory to common sense. to be honest i don't really see this as either
as the know parts are taken out of context.

Man’s unknowable, knowing brain. man doesn't understand the brain yet the brain knows of many things. (as you pointed out) i'd say it's a simple statement that makes sense if you think about it. it does feel a bit troublesome though in that it makes the reader pause to long in order to work it out. it isn't a paradox.

[lennox222]

an oxymoron is created by two opposing words or distinctions

a combination of contradictory or incongruous words

therefore if it is or it isn't one is dependent on the wording, not what you intend

a paradox is something that is contradictory to common sense. to be honest i don't really see this as either
as the know parts are taken out of context.

Man’s unknowable, knowing brain. man doesn't understand the brain yet the brain knows of many things. (as you pointed out) i'd say it's a simple statement that makes sense if you think about it. it does feel a bit troublesome though in that it makes the reader pause to long in order to work it out. it isn't a paradox.

A paradox, (whether or not it is intentional), appears at first sight to be a contradiction in terms. However, if it makes sense when you think about it, it is not a contradiction.

Some will take longer to "work it out" than others - Nevertheless, I think it remains a valid form of expression, whether in poetry or elsewhere.