The One Who Kept Me Waiting

[bigpapaj50]

The One Who Kept Me Waiting

You kept me waiting all those days
You wouldn’t accept my rebellious ways
Night after night I would walk you back home
And always end up in my own bed alone
You made me smile and you made me cry
Sometimes you made me wish I would die
But after all those days and all those nights
I wouldn’t lose sight of what I thought was right
I so long dreamt of that magical night
When you let me in because you thought I was nice
It was cold outside and I needed a bed
To rest my head or else I’d be dead
Instead I found you and you took me inside
And I would never have imagined this wild ride
That took place between us
We laughed and we cried
I finally hoped that our hearts would collide
And one night they did and I danced and I sang
Not literally though because that stuff’s for fags
Your lips met mine and my heart it did melt
There’s no way you know the love that I felt
Would grow strong between us and truly not die
The love that would grow between you and I
We lived together like a married couple
Who sometimes tied each other up with belt buckles
I remember those nights we would spend with each other
I could lie there and know that you were my lover
Your dorm was a house and we made it a home
I would lie on my lover while she contently watched Bones
Everything about you I thought that I hated
I can’t do without and I think we could make it
I have more love for you than there are stars in the sky
When I see you without me I just want to cry
Because our love was strong and our bond was true
And not to mention the sex was great too
But, alas, I digress from the story I tell
With everything we’ve done we could probably date in Hell
But you know that I don’t want to wait that long
I just want to hold you and be in your arms
The things I would give you
The love I would show
With every line I type my love grows and grows
I want to have you for now and for as long as I can
I don’t want to look back and say remember when
Because our love was true
And our feelings were truer
And when we had sex I’d make fun of your pooper
I guess the point is that I don’t want this to end
And you very well know that we won’t be just friends
I need you beside me and I think that you know
I just want to hold you and never let go.

[billy]

hi papaj

the poem feels very wordy.

the 1st line says, I always waited for you, or you kept me waiting.

with that you have something to work with.
waiting like the hands of a broken watch

then; You wouldn’t accept my rebellious ways

waiting like the hands of a broken watch
not accepting my rebellious ways.
Night after night I would walk you back home

waiting like the hands of a broken watch
not accepting my rebellious ways.
I always walked you home

and from there you take it where ever you wish.

break the poem down remove what isn't needed.

With everything we’ve done we could probably date in Hell
But you know that I don’t want to wait that long

we could date in hell
but i wont wait that long

just use the meat of the poem, there are some goodies in the two lines above, that when pared back, can be revealed

I guess the point is that I don’t want this to end
And you very well know that we won’t be just friends
I need you beside me and I think that you know
I just want to hold you and never let go.

is too weak, the poem will be better for it if you can be brave enough to remove lines like this which are very cliche