04-16-2013, 01:30 PM
Heroin
You are the needle that rips into my vein
Without you I think that I may go insane
Just check me into rehab right now
I want to take so much that I fall to the ground
You be my needle and I’ll be your smack
And we’ll take each other’s hands and never look back
You want me to let go
But don’t think that I will
Because you are my heroin
And I need you still.
~~ Just a short love poem i typed. let me know what u think! im trying to get better at this poetry stuff
Posts: 134
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Joined: Mar 2013
You've done a good job of making it clear it is an extended metaphor of drugs without actually saying drugs by using words like needle, vein, rehab, etc.
What is bringing it down is the rhyme though - a lot of your lines seem awkward and unnatural because you've tried to make them rhyme. Consider coming up with some solid lines, and then seeing if you can make them rhyme (or have a look at free verse perhaps). It doesn't flow very well because of the varying line lengths, something you could look at snipping here and there.
Also there are a few unanswered questions - you 'want to take so much' of something...what is that? It's not explained. Drugs? The person they admire? Love?
Just a few things to have a think about
- Amy
(You wouldn't be surprised to know my parents did not christen me UnicornRainbowCake.)
Posts: 280
Threads: 42
Joined: Mar 2013
Hi,
I really like where you're going with this, with the drug allusions and the story
But the rhymes sounds forced and clumsy in most places. I'd suggest free verse, if the rhymes don't seem to come natural.
Also, some of your sentences didn't make much sense. It lacks cohesiveness, as if you wrote the sentence just for the sake of it to rhyme. Lines 3-6 I found the weakest, and most confusing. Maybe you could expand the poem a bit, add some strong images and sentences, to really capture the story you want to portray.
I'm awfully sorry if I sound too critical. I just see a lot of potential in the poem, so I get carried away
