It’s minutes to go…
And a big fat car tumbles by,
tumbles right out in your way.
Someone beeps a horn:
not at you,
or the car;
but at somebody they know,
passing by.
On their way to meet somebody
they love,
or to break someone’s heart.
You can remember walking that way before.
Cars went by, and people beeped their horns.
And things were much easier
when you had somewhere to go,
not just somewhere
you needed to be.
Well, maybe not easier.
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I really like the flow and almost self-discussion in it, I think it works really well.
I'm not sure on 'big fat' as a description though, it's a bit child-like in its ways. I like the line breaks apart from on 'somebody/they love/or to break..', as I wouldn't end it on somebody - eg, put line 2 back into line 1.
- Amy
(You wouldn't be surprised to know my parents did not christen me UnicornRainbowCake.)
Posts: 280
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Joined: Mar 2013
I love the title, I think it fits the poem very well. And I like the way the poem is narrated, with the reflective thoughts of the pedestrian. I think it works very well in a subtle, but strong way. But some of the line breaks, as already mentioned, seemed a bit out of place. To me anyways. Thanks for sharing, it was a pleasure to read
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Joined: Dec 2016
(04-17-2013, 01:08 AM)rowens Wrote: It’s minutes to go…
And a big fat car tumbles by,
tumbles right out in your way.
Someone beeps a horn:
not at you,
or the car;
but at somebody they know,
passing by.
On their way to meet somebody
they love,
or to break someone’s heart.
You can remember walking that way before.
Cars went by, and people beeped their horns.
And things were much easier
when you had somewhere to go,
not just somewhere
you needed to be.
Well, maybe not easier.
The voice is fine, I think it could benefit from removing the repetition as it really isn't helping: tumble - tumble, someone, somebody, somebody, someone, easier-easier, somewhere,-somewhere.
good luck
milo
thymeandoliveleaf
Unregistered
The whole poem gives a feeling a being anonymously present-- the epitome of the pedestrian attitude!
I think it's good. I like the tone, and without the repetition you lose that feeling of being "in the crowd."
I'm only comfortable when there are conflicting opinions. I'm digging for as many points of view as I can get, because I only have one myself, which gets lonely and's never satisfied.
So thanks for them.
