Away From The Darkness We Fly!

[hobbit86]

This was just a poem written about my horse and the sense of freedom he gives me...It's one I'd definately like to tidy up...but to also be able to be read in a way that makes it personal to other horse people so they can relate.


High above the clouds so white
He carries me, I hold on so tight.
Free from all the sadness below,
I feel the real me, to him I can show.

He flys me through the world of dreams
For a while happiness is mine in fields of green.
Safe upon his soft bay back we gallop from the nightmares behind,
In search of a future together we can find.

Softly he lands on the hard black ground
Back to reality with my happiness yet to be found.
But alongside me he stays, safe and strong
Telling me upon his back, I will always belong.

In the moments of darkness, the shadows appear
He tells me that I have nothing ever to fear.
To just climb on his back, hold onto his mane
We will always escape from this world insane.

Invisible Shadows 2012

[Smiffy]

Hi Hobbit, from what I

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Hi Hobbit, having read your pre amble to the poem I wonder do you read out loud to yourself what you write and how much you edit before posting. I reckon you could lose quite a lot of this to tighten it up .Do you use a rhyming dictionary or on line rhyming site, I think that would help avoid the obvious rhyme pattern you fall into which can make a poem sound clumsy. Have you read anything by Felix Dennis, he is the master of rhyme and maybe reading his poetry would help you improve which on reading your profile is what you want to do. Enjoy reading your posts
Smiffy

[popeye]

Hello hobbit, what a great escape! Smiffy has some really sound advice for you and I don't think that I can add any more to that. I did a bit of a rewrite as I saw it, hope it's of some use to you, keep up the good work, cheers

High above the clouds so white
He carries me, I hold on tight.
Free from sadness far below,
The real me, to him I show.

He flies me through my world of dreams
True happiness, in fields of green.
Safe upon his soft bay back
we gallop from those nightmares black

Too soon, its softly back to ground
Happiness, yet to be found.
Beside him I am safe and strong
In equine heaven we belong!

And should more shadows yet appear
His noble closeness eases fear
I quickly mount and grip his mane
Whence we fly.... to a world more sane

[hobbit86]

Thanks for the references Smiffy I have got 9 days holiday starting weekend, and I plan to make time for creativity so will check out Felix Dennis, thanks for that. I haven't used a rhyming dictionary/site...I'll also have a looksy at a site...thanks again for the comments on where to look, I appreciate it, as that's exactly the sort of stuff I want to read/look at to help. Ta

Thanks Popeye. I love the last stanza

And should more shadows yet appear
His noble closeness eases fear
I quickly mount and grip his mane
Whence we fly.... to a world more sane

What an ending.

thanks for the ideas