Only Grey

[Smiffy]

How fragile is love?

How easily it grows
How easily it goes
We blur its edges
Stretching to gossamer thin
Wrapping ourselves in dreams of plenty
While lurking in the background
Waiting to fall like an African night
Waits a pain so unimaginable
That we begin to fear love itself
Until the moment where we draw a soft charcoal line
Feathering the edges with reasons
Until only grey remains

[Todd]

This has some pretty cool language in it. This isn't a critique forum, but a few comments:

How easily it grows
How easily it goes
We blur its edges
Stretching to gossamer thin--seems like it or them may be better than to
Wrapping ourselves in dreams of plenty
While lurking in the background
Waiting to fall like an African night--absolutely love this line and it makes the pain line work because it's such a nice concrete image
Waits a pain so unimaginable--don't know about the repetition on waits. It doesn't sound bad but with might be a better option
That we begin to fear love itself--fantastic revelation here
Until comes a moment where we draw a soft charcoal line of love--syntax feels a bit awkward. Maybe "Until the moment..."
Feathering the edges with reasons
Until only grey remains--great final two lines

Much enjoyed, thanks

Todd

[Leanne]

Hi Smiffy -- there are some terrific ideas in here, especially the middle and end of the poem (love "only grey" both as the title and in the ultimate line).

I tend to think that the poem actually starts at "we blur its edges". There's nothing wrong with the first couple of lines but they're not really necessary. Do you need "of love" at the end of L10? I get the feeling that's one too many loves A couple of -ings that could be replaced as well, for variety.

And we're not in a critique forum... sorry... but I like so much about the poem that I really feel like I want to love it as a whole

[Smiffy]

Cheers Todd, have taken up your suggestion on the moment line, I'm always open to suggestion, thanks again
Smiffy

---

Thanks for the input Leanne, I have dropped the love, good suggestion, keeping the opening for now but will look into a different wording, as I said to Todd always open for critique whichever forum I post in
Smiff

[Smiffy]

Well, my thought is to the Age; Being more wise and mature writing this poem. Age gives the poem more dimension in effect how you can feel and tell the story line of the poem. In Summation, Only the mature and those with many life lessons could say it more Brilliantly!!!!
[/quote]

Hi Angela, not quite sure I understand your reply, are you suggesting I'm twenty one and would be able to write this much better were I 60? If so I'm flattered, I am in fact a week shy of fifty eight and have had more experience of the joys of love and pain in the last thirteen years than most people get in a lifetime. Thank you reading and taking the time to comment, much appreciated
Smiffy

[popeye]

Enjoyed this very much Smiffy, wonderfully descriptive of experience that only the experienced could write, you could almost use your signature line as a summing up! Cheers.

[Smiffy]

Enjoyed this very much Smiffy, wonderfully descriptive of experience that only the experienced could write, you could almost use your signature line as a summing up! Cheers.

Cheers for reading Popeye, I have been through the mill and back again,
Smiffy