Goddess

[Todd]

Hi Poppytimetea, I moved this into mild. It needs a bit of work before its ready for serious. Here are some comments for you.

Your eyes shine like a gem,--resist the urge to go with an obvious image
Like they where blessed with the grace of some infinite beauty,--don't settle for vague modifiers like infinite beauty. Think of Byron, "She walks in beauty like the night." See how that's more specific and more evocative.
I break in your absense,--vague needs a strong image. Absence
And fall in the divinity of ur presence,--again vague. Text speak undermines your credibility with the reader
Into bliss,
Away from pain,--bliss and pain are vague and abstract without an image
Into the loving arms of a perfect goddess.--loving arms is a bit ordinary and cliche. Perfect is vague without imagery focusing it.

I know that may sound all negative, but it isn't you can edit this and improve it. I hope that helps.

Best,

Todd

[Leanne]

Srry dude i liked it the way it was

So why bother posting in a critique forum?

[Leanne]

OK, then the only place for "just sharing" this kind of poetry is the Miscellaneous forum. I'll move it. For future reference, if you post in Novice, Mild or Serious Critique it's expected that you want critique/suggestions to workshop and improve your poem.

[Todd]

No problem. No harm.

[billy]

Your eyes shine like a gem,
Like they where blessed with the grace of some infinite beauty,
I break in your absense,
And fall in the divinity of ur presence,
Into bliss,
Away from pain,
Into the loving arms of a perfect goddess.

thanks for the laugh. just read the thread. hi or not, the poem needs mucho work.