Queen

[Indie]

VERSION 3: ( edited S2 L1 ten minutes later thank you Leanne!)

Prick of lips, smearing dye, sticks needles
through my spindled eye; in the darkness
I spin, a splendid gold thing. I spin.
In the day we sit happy. He and I,
opposite cups of tepid tea
under ever after weather,
clinking only as we stir.

How I miss hands and knees rough
from praying to the floors, calluses alive.
The indignity of hate feels less now,
less than the indignity of love.

Our chats are mild - hopesdreamswishes -
and my voice well hides the sounds of mice;
crawling, clawing, beneath the paradox
of one glass shoe.

VERSION 1:

This needs a lot of work... please suggest something

Queen


Sticky lips
smearing dye
stick needles
through a spindled eye
Sits splendid as
He sips his tea
All too important
Not to speak

And wonders
how she misses
when callouses
cared enough to hurt;
Smiles near perfect
as she hides the sound of mice
under the heel of her
one glass shoe

I really don't have anything to offer, other than I love what you've done with it from first version to third version. The structure is much better in version three, easier to read. The tightening to phrases is wonderful, V3 has much more depth and the language is much more evocative.

Indie

[Alden]

As you have already done so much excellent work, I have nothing left to do but quibble. This would hardly be considered light criticism, so forgive me if I pick too many nits.

- Sticking a needle through a spindled (pierced) eye strikes me as redundant. I know you are going for a fairy tale rhyme and I do love the ambiguous potential of sticking a needle through an eye. I would not dare suggest you get rid of a lovely word like spindle, but maybe sticking a needle. Also, that opening set of rhymes doesn't easily connect for me to the whole post-happy ending Cinderella story you have.

- Indignity of Hate - Indignity of Love... I would prefer it not be laid out in such simple parallel structure. Something concrete or sensory (but no less clear) might do better here.

- the cummingsism (hopesdreamswishes) seems a bit out of character for the poem. it actually makes the conversations seem more passionate. or, if it is subtext, then it may not be necessary with the wonderful rodential representatives that arrive later.

- a glass shoe does not seem in and of itself paradoxical. It's a great phrase and a tidy bonnet to place on the poem, but it feels the slightest bit unearned and unclear.

This is quite a strong poem. I hope I have been useful.

[addy]

Ooh, haven't visited this poem in a while. Phil, tectak, fico, indie, alden, thanks so much for the comments. I'm always a little embarrassed, but it's always great hearing everyone's take. Actually, the comments have been pretty fantastically spot-on... perhaps this is due a future rewrite again

[Paddygirl]

Hey Addy, gotta jump in now that all the work is done
I have watched this evolve and loved reading the updates V3 edit is great...
Think the fairy tale draws the girls in every time! Love "under ever after weather"
Only suggestion I would make (and will most likely be wrong because it is perhaps too cliched, which is why no one else has suggested it ) is that perhaps bowing, in place of praying? Just an image I find hard to grasp. Otherwise I really love the way it has gone . Great read

[Timmycom]

VERSION 3: ( edited S2 L1 ten minutes later thank you Leanne!)

Prick of lips, smearing dye, sticks needles
through my spindled eye; in the darkness
I spin, a splendid gold thing. I spin.
In the day we sit happy. He and I,
opposite cups of tepid tea
under ever after weather,
clinking only as we stir.

How I miss hands and knees rough
from praying to the floors, calluses alive.
The indignity of hate feels less now,
less than the indignity of love.

Our chats are mild - hopesdreamswishes -
and my voice well hides the sounds of mice;
crawling, clawing, beneath the paradox
of one glass shoe.


VERSIONS 2: (a very severe rewrite )

Prick of lips, smearing dye, sticks needles
through my spindled eye; in the darkness
I spin, a splendid gold thing. I spin.
In the day we sit happy. He and I,
opposite cups of tepid tea
under ever after weather,
clinking only as we stir.

I miss it. Hands and knees rough
from praying to the floors, calluses alive.
The indignity of hate feels less now,
less than the indignity of love.

Our chats are mild - hopesdreamswishes -
and my voice well hides the sounds of mice;
crawling, clawing, beneath the paradox
of one glass shoe.



VERSION 1:

This needs a lot of work... please suggest something

Queen


Sticky lips
smearing dye
stick needles
through a spindled eye
Sits splendid as
He sips his tea
All too important
Not to speak

And wonders
how she misses
when callouses
cared enough to hurt;
Smiles near perfect
as she hides the sound of mice
under the heel of her
one glass shoe

I like it, but I think it ends quite abruptly. The sturcture though is fine, it's just the end seems to stop very sudden to me as I read it.

The way I'd stop that is do something like this:

crawling, clawing, beneath the paradox
of one

glass shoe.

But besides that I kind of liked it. To me sounds like it's about a girl, one running away from you, one that seems to be a princess but is sort of mischievousness, one that you have to find and make your own - as if your're the prince who only has the shoe of that girl. Honestly I donno if I liked the concept too much - Fairy tales have been kind of over done - not that's any of your fault. Although! It is original in the fact that it's not all about the fairtale, just the refeances to it make it seem your generalising your life via this fairy tale - and fairy-tales are over rated in my opinion XD

[addy]

Thanks guys

Indeed fairytales are pretty overdone ... it'll probably be a different poem if I take it out though, so I suppose I just have to work things out and keep it as non-grating as possible.

[billy]

can you put this on my face book page please.

[heslopian]

This is a critique of version 3. Your style has a surreal quality which I greatly enjoyed. A couple of small nits: in L1 I think you should put a line break after "dye," and in L2 after "eye." I think that would emphasise the rhyme, and by seperating that couplet from the rest, also the importance of the italics.
The second verse is my favourite. I liked how you contrasted love and hate, and the reference to religious devotion. Thanks for the read

[Aish]

Your alliteration in the beginning really worked for me.
I love your voice, Addy. It is soft and lilting, while maintaining the integrity of an artist at work, unafraid of this environment.
I do so hope you will post more.

[Indie]

VERSION 3: ( edited S2 L1 ten minutes later thank you Leanne!)

Prick of lips, smearing dye, sticks needles one nit in this line, sticks, I know it works rhyme, but it's off in the tense of smearing previously in the sentence, IMO "sticking" would work better for both tense and flow
through my spindled eye; in the darkness
I spin, a splendid gold thing. I spin.
In the day we sit happy. He and I,
opposite cups of tepid tea
under ever after weather, what does "under ever after weather" mean?
clinking only as we stir. The imagery of this is great.

How I miss hands and knees rough IMO roughened would work better here
from praying to the floors, calluses alive.
The indignity of hate feels less now,
less than the indignity of love.

Our chats are mild - hopesdreamswishes -
and my voice well hides the sounds of mice; well hides? I know what you mean, but IMO it jars
crawling, clawing, beneath the paradox
of one glass shoe.

An interesting little piece that has progressed well from version one. Hope this helps.