V:2
Touch me or I’ll scream
and imbed your skull in the headboard
because I am aching just to feel
your violence upon my skin
when your indifference
leaves me cold and sore and wanting.
Can’t you feel the heat of my desire?
Look me in the goddamn face
and tell me you don’t want me!
I still have the scars
from the last time we fucked
the way your nails felt
as you raked them down my back
leaving bloody trails
that heightened my pleasure
and I breathed your name
in need for more.

While it’s been months
since you told me you loved me
your eyes wandering over
other girls when we go out
and I’m sorry I’m not tall
and blonde and supermodel hot.
Though you used to make me feel
beautiful and wanted, like I was special
unable to resist touching me
a finger curled around mine, a kiss
on the back of my neck
hand sliding cheekily up my thigh
while we rode the bus
just to tease me
while we sat, unseen by those
that would highly disapprove
as I pulled my hat down over my face
to hide the flush that crept there
and melded myself to your fingertips.

Now, I want you to fuck me
like you hate me, with all
the pretense of love you can muster
just one last time
before I light your clothes on fire
along with g-string I found
in your jacket pocket
That I know isn't mine.
And I’m staring at your indifference
longing just to reach out and kiss you
hard and deep and painful
your hands tangling in my hair
as you pull my head back
to kiss down my neck as you push
me back down on the bed
to explore me with your lips
tongue and gentle fingertips
sharp nails, taking control
owning my body and claiming it as yours
just like the first time we made love
in your mother’s bed while she was out on a date
and I came so hard, I almost passed out.

Instead I watch you watching the TV
greasy fingers in a packet of Doritos.
Oh, for fucks sake... just touch me!
I’m begging you telepathically
to just fucking touch me
because I am going to scream
and imbed your skull in the headboard.
Instead, I throw the lamp at the wall
and you call me a crazy bitch as you get up
to turn out the light, and switch off the TV
snoring beside me within minutes.
I breathe a sigh of sick relief
while I remove my panties
and get myself off to the thought
of strangling you in your sleep
with your mistress’s underwear
when all I really wanted
was for you to touch me one last time
and make me scream in all the right ways
...for you, just like you used to do.

...

V:1
Touch me or I’ll scream
And imbed you skull in the headboard
Because I am aching just to feel
Your violence upon my skin
When your indifference
Leaves me cold and sore and wanting
Can’t you feel the heat of my desire?
Look me in the goddamn face!
And tell me you don’t want me
I still have the scars
Of the last time we fucked
The way your nails felt
As you raked them down my back
Leaving bloody trails
That heightened my pleasure
And I breathed your name
In need for more.

And it’s been months
Since you told me you loved me
Your eyes wandering over
Other girls when we go out
And I’m sorry I’m not tall
And blonde and supermodel hot
Though you used to make me feel
Beautiful and wanted, like I was special
Unable to resist touching me
A finger curled around mine, a kiss
On the back of my neck
Hand sliding cheekily up my thigh
While we rode the bus
Just to tease me
While we sat, unseen by those
That would highly disapprove
As I’d pull my hat down over my face
To hide the flush that crept there
As I melded myself to your fingertips exploring
There way up under my skirt.

And I want you to fuck me
Like you hate me, with all
The pretense of love you can muster
Just one last time
Before I light your clothes on fire
Along with g-string I found
In your coat pocket
That I know doesn’t belong to me
And I’m staring at your indifference
Longing just to reach out and kiss you
Hard and deep and painful
Your hands tangling in my hair
As you pull my head back
To kiss down my neck as you push
Me back down on the bed
To explore me with your lips
Your tongue, gentle fingertips
And sharp nails, taking control
Owning my body and claiming it
As yours, just like the first time
When we made love, in your mother’s bed
While she was out on a date
And I came so hard, I almost passed out.

Instead I watch you watching the TV
Greasy fingers in a packet of Doritos
Oh, for fucks sake... just touch me!
I’m begging telepathically
For you to just fucking touch me
Because I am going to scream
And imbed your skull in the headboard
While I, instead, throw the lamp at the wall
And you call me a crazy bitch, as you get up
To turn out the light, and switch off the TV
Snoring beside me within minutes
And I breathe a sigh of sick relief
While I remove my panties
And get myself off to the thought
Of strangling you in your sleep
With your mistress’s underwear
When all I really wanted
Was for you to touch me one last time
And make me scream in all the right ways
...For you, just like you used to do.

(05-19-2012, 07:55 PM)Indie Wrote:  Touch me or I’ll scream
And imbed you skull in the headboard your
Because I am aching just to feel
Your violence upon my skin disconnected cause and effect works in visual farce but is noticeably uncomfortable in pros, or indeed, in any written piece. You are going to repeat this "technique" , I just know it!
When your indifference
Leaves me cold and sore and wanting
Can’t you feel the heat of my desire?See. "When you" and "can't you" are not of the same order in that "when" is an expression of time and "can" or "can't" is an expression of ability or desire. 3rd person versus 1st person. So "Why can't you feel the heat...b"
Look me in the goddamn face!
And tell me you don’t want me
I still have the scars
Of the last time we fucked
The way your nails felt
As you raked them down my back
Leaving bloody trails
That heightened my pleasure
And I breathed your name
In need for more. Last 6 lines read with good grouping; but though punctuation is just one if the abandoned requirements in the height of passion the lack does little to hold the altitude.

And it’s been months Some may say too many "and"'s. Not me. Applies to whole piece
Since you told me you loved me
Your eyes wandering over
Other girls when we go out
And I’m sorry I’m not tall
And blonde and supermodel hot
Though you used to make me feel
Beautiful and wanted, like I was special
Unable to resist touching me
A finger curled around mine, a kiss
On the back of my neck
Hand sliding cheekily up my thigh The last lines since the last comment are an extended cliché. If I hadn't written this before you I can think of many who have. It is probably more correct to say it is eclectic. I remember buses
While we rode the bus
Just to tease me
While we sat, unseen by those
That would highly disapprove
As I’d pull my hat down over my face
To hide the flush that crept there
As I melded myself to your fingertips exploring excellent. MELD. To join as in alloying rather than by adherence. A difficult concept of fingered fanny from another perspective. Usually glue in my experience
There way up under my skirt. there or their?
And I want you to fuck me
Like you hate me, with all
The pretense of love you can muster
Just one last time
Before I light your clothes on fire
Along with g-string I found
In your coat pocket I think this was once on East Enders. Or Neighbours. No. Not neighbours
That I know doesn’t belong to me
And I’m staring at your indifference
Longing just to reach out and kiss you
Hard and deep and painful
Your hands tangling in my hair
As you pull my head back
To kiss down my neck as you push
Me back down on the bed
To explore me with your lips
Your tongue, gentle fingertips
And sharp nails, taking control
Owning my body and claiming it
As yours, just like the first time
When we made love, in your mother’s bed
While she was out on a date
And I came so hard, I almost passed out.

Instead I watch you watching the TV
Greasy fingers in a packet of Doritos
Oh, for fucks sake... just touch me!
I’m begging telepathically
For you to just fucking touch me
Because I am going to scream
And imbed your skull in the headboard
While I, instead, throw the lamp at the wall
And you call me a crazy bitch, as you get up
To turn out the light, and switch off the TV
Snoring beside me within minutes
And I breathe a sigh of sick relief
While I remove my panties
And get myself off to the thought
Of strangling you in your sleep
With your mistress’s underwear
When all I really wanted
Was for you to touch me one last time
And make me scream in all the right waysthe rest of above is titillatory but not new. Why does it have to be new? It doesn't. I believe you had this one in you and it had to come out. You may have used all your bullets (or orgasms) in this one fuck-fest but time will tell.
Overall, a good run at a sheet of glass. You either break through with this one or you bounce back. Either way, you will be remembered as a trier. On one level you should leave it completely alone in all it's starkness and risk it being categorised as no more than rewrite of indie-sent proposal. You will resist editing......until much later........when you will probably become a cougar. Can't wait.
Best,
Tectak


...For you, just like you used to do.

S

Thanks tectak, for your crit, and interesting added commentary

a point before giving the main feedback....in showing the throes of passion, would one say on or upon. i think the latter unless you were disinterested

(05-19-2012, 07:55 PM)Indie Wrote:  Touch me or I’ll scream
And imbed you skull in the headboard embed and your nice opening two lines
Because I am aching just to feel the passion thing again, spit it out, lose 'because' make 'i am' 'i'm' i have yet to see eloquence used during love making
Your violence upon my skin don't we surmise its a lover, do you need 'yours'?
When your indifference again, 'when your' feels too much, it cuts the passion
Leaves me cold and sore and wanting cliche
Can’t you feel the heat of my desire? really cliche
Look me in the goddamn face!
And tell me you don’t want me a longer cliche
I still have the scars
Of the last time we fucked
The way your nails felt
As you raked them down my back love making cliche
Leaving bloody trails
That heightened my pleasure
And I breathed your name
In need for more.

And it’s been months
Since you told me you loved me
Your eyes wandering over
Other girls when we go out
And I’m sorry I’m not tall
And blonde and supermodel hot
Though you used to make me feel
Beautiful and wanted, like I was special
Unable to resist touching me
A finger curled around mine, a kiss
On the back of my neck
Hand sliding cheekily up my thigh
While we rode the bus
Just to tease me
While we sat, unseen by those
That would highly disapprove
As I’d pull my hat down over my face
To hide the flush that crept there
As I melded myself to your fingertips exploring
There way up under my skirt.
some good and some not so good stuff. the content feels dated but....it wouldn't be hard to make it less so. it would improve by changing or losing at least half the stanza.

And I want you to fuck me god, i feel like you talking to me
Like you hate me, with all
The pretense of love you can muster a few enjambment problems, i see a pause after 'all' and wonder why
Just one last time a very bare line
Before I light your clothes on fire
Along with g-string I found a missing 'a' before 'g', i liked this line.
In your coat pocket
That I know doesn’t belong to me isn't it a given ?
And I’m staring at your indifference
Longing just to reach out and kiss you
Hard and deep and painful
Your hands tangling in my hair
As you pull my head back
To kiss down my neck as you push
Me back down on the bed
To explore me with your lips
Your tongue, gentle fingertips
And sharp nails, taking control
Owning my body and claiming it
As yours, just like the first time
When we made love, in your mother’s bed
While she was out on a date
And I came so hard, I almost passed out.

Instead I watch you watching the TV
Greasy fingers in a packet of Doritos
Oh, for fucks sake... just touch me!
I’m begging telepathically
For you to just fucking touch me i know the feeling, great three lines i can connect with
Because I am going to scream
And imbed your skull in the headboard is it embed?
While I, instead, throw the lamp at the wall
And you call me a crazy bitch, as you get up
To turn out the light, and switch off the TV
Snoring beside me within minutes
And I breathe a sigh of sick relief
While I remove my panties
And get myself off to the thought
Of strangling you in your sleep
With your mistress’s underwear
When all I really wanted
Was for you to touch me one last time
And make me scream in all the right ways
...For you, just like you used to do.

it feels really personal, as it should. in places it's original and here oit works really well. in other places it becomes a little mundane. having sex or requesting sex is one of the hardest poems to write about, like cutting poetry everyone and his mum has done it. (wrote about it i meant )
and some things are repeated by all of us. to make this shine you need to cut em out or change them. as it it's still a decent poem but it's not the super poem you can make it. part of me likes some of cliche because part of me has written some of the same lines and they reverberate in me.
here's the thing, and i think it'll make more sense than all the guff i could spout. if i wrote the poem how many cliché's would spot? how many words would you say weren't needed?

a good read indeed, a good poem indeed. but it needs work.

thanks for the stiffy (almost )

Thanks Billy, I can work with that
This poem actually isn't personal at all, it wasn't written with anyone in mind, so if it's coming across as personal, I've done a good job at conveying the idea . I was inspired by the words "touch me or I'll scream" and after weeks of contemplating, hello sexually frustrated poem.

the truth is that while personal poetry makes us emote, good poetry makes us emote more
i totally agree that 1 line or phrase can and should be used to build a poem around.
i'd love to see you workshop this one.

There are some nice parts. I like the finger on the bus part. There is also a fair amount of repetition. Purely personal, I think I would use "embed" instead of "imbed" as it is too close to looking like "in bed".

This line seems problematic to me "I’m begging telepathically", for me at least it disturbs the flow of the piece.

This is probably about a third to long. Right now the energy seems to come and go. But I'm tired at the moment so maybe I'll look again later.

Dale

Thank you tectak, Dale and Billy. I'll go through this when I'm less tired and wanting to cull it all, which is rather self-defeatist of me.

A very overdue edit up now.

will give some feedback tomorrow

(07-23-2012, 05:59 PM)billy Wrote:  will give some feedback tomorrow

okay, thanks Billy

(05-19-2012, 07:55 PM)Indie Wrote:  V:2
Touch me or I’ll scream should a comma go at the end of the line.
and imbed your skull in the headboard embed?
because I am aching just to feel
your violence upon my skin
when your indifference
leaves me cold and sore and wanting.
Can’t you feel the heat of my desire?
Look me in the goddamn face
and tell me you don’t want me!
I still have the scars
from the last time we fucked so it's more than once a week then from does work better
the way your nails felt
as you raked them down my back
leaving bloody trails
that heightened my pleasure
and I breathed your name
in need for more.

While it’s been months is while needed?
since you told me you loved me
your eyes wandering over
other girls when we go out
and I’m sorry I’m not tall
and blonde and supermodel hot.
Though you used to make me feel
beautiful and wanted, like I was special
unable to resist touching me
a finger curled around mine, a kiss
on the back of my neck
hand sliding cheekily up my thigh
while we rode the bus
just to tease me
while we sat, unseen by those
that would highly disapprove
as I pulled my hat down over my face
to hide the flush that crept there
and melded myself to your fingertips. it works well

Now, I want you to fuck me can i finish the feedback first please i say that because it's directed at me, it's a strong statement that works.
like you hate me, with all
the pretense of love you can muster
just one last time
before I light your clothes on fire
along with g-string I found the or a g string
in your jacket pocket
That I know isn't mine. better now
And I’m staring at your indifference
longing just to reach out and kiss you
hard and deep and painful
your hands tangling in my hair
as you pull my head back
to kiss down my neck as you push
me back down on the bed
to explore me with your lips
tongue and gentle fingertips
sharp nails, taking control
owning my body and claiming it as yours
just like the first time we made love
in your mother’s bed while she was out on a date
and I came so hard, I almost passed out. i'm humbled

Instead I watch you watching the TV
greasy fingers in a packet of Doritos.
Oh, for fucks sake... just touch me!
I’m begging you telepathically
to just fucking touch me
because I am going to scream
and imbed your skull in the headboard.
Instead, I throw the lamp at the wall
and you call me a crazy bitch as you get up
to turn out the light, and switch off the TV
snoring beside me within minutes.
I breathe a sigh of sick relief
while I remove my panties
and get myself off to the thought
of strangling you in your sleep
with your mistress’s underwear
when all I really wanted
was for you to touch me one last time
and make me scream in all the right ways
...for you, just like you used to do.

what i like best is the way there's not an army of caps screaming out at me down the left hand side of the page for some reason it gives me better access to the thoughts and feelings in the poem. (i'm not responsible for any funny comments in the feedback, i were possessed ). the changes you made do work but i still think you could do more...see my original feedback. but of course the laurels rest on the writers head
it's an enjoyable piece

thanks for the edit.

Thank you so much Billy there are a few more edits left in this one before I'll be able to get it to a standard that I'm I might be happy with.

i've been really busy trying to get some facebook like icons for the site will play catch up tomorrow
i actually love seeing people edit. (though i know i should do more myself) it's an example to nebs...so thanks again