An attemept at Terza Rima:

[billy]

1st edit
My Best Friend:

A holstered tale between two nervous knees:
O churlish cur, why bite the hand of care?
the lamb was not for eating if you please.

I call you friend and yet those fangs you bare.
We two, we have a shepherd's job to do,
you're not supposed to be a wolf, just glare.

A year to wait til it becomes a ewe
and then we'll strike, but silent with a blade,
or axe, and have more meat to place in stew.

But no you greedy bastard, had you weighed
the situation up you would have heard
a whistle saying how you should have stayed.

Consider this a punishment deferred
and next time know that you shall be interred.

Original:

My Best Friend:

A holstered tale between two nervous knees:
O churlish cur why bite the hand of care?
the lamb was not for eating if you please.

I call you friend and yet those fangs you bare.
You and me, we have a shepherd's job to do,
you're not supposed to be a wolf, just glare.

A year or so when it becomes a ewe
and then we'll strike, but silent with a blade,
or axe, and have more meat to place in stew.

But no you greedy bastard, had you weighed
the situation up you would have heard
a whistle saying how you should have laid.

[Leanne]

My Best Friend:

A holstered tale between two nervous knees: -- nice "tale" wordplay
O churlish cur why bite the hand of care? -- comma after cur
the lamb was not for eating if you please.

I call you friend and yet those fangs you bare.
You and me, we have a shepherd's job to do, -- too long, you could try "we two, we have a shepherd's job to do"
you're not supposed to be a wolf, just glare.

A year or so when it becomes a ewe -- grammatically this line and the next are not great, what about "A year to wait 'til it becomes a ewe"
and then we'll strike, but silent with a blade,
or axe, and have more meat to place in stew.

But no you greedy bastard, had you weighed
the situation up you would have heard
a whistle saying how you should have laid.

Generally a pretty good first terza rima (I love the interlocking rhymes, it's one of my very favourite schemes). The voice is great, speaking to the dog as a person, which I've heard many a farmer do. The poem would benefit from the traditional closing couplet to summarise -- as it is now it ends rather abruptly.

That's all I've got. I like it, and will like it even more when it's tweaked just that little bit.

[billy]

will use you're suggestion and do a couplet later or tomorrow, thanks for the tips i was sure L5 was the right length, (i do see that it isn't now )

[penguin]

Enjoyed this, Billy. A few suggestions

A holstered tale between two nervous knees:
O churlish cur why bite the hand of care?
the lamb was not for eating if you please. - That lamb was not for eating as you please.

I call you friend and yet those fangs you bare.
You and me, we have a shepherd's job to do, - Leanne's suggestion is good. Or use "shepherding".
you're not supposed to be a wolf, just glare.

A year or so when it becomes a ewe
and then we'll strike, but silent with a blade, - and then we'll butcher silent with a blade?
or axe, and have more meat to place in stew. - for us to chew?

But no you greedy bastard, had you weighed
the situation up you would have heard
a whistle saying how you should have laid. - I like the first 2 lines but not the final one. It's a poor ending.

[tectak]

My Best Friend:

A holstered tale between two nervous knees:
O churlish cur why bite the hand of care?
the lamb was not for eating if you please.

I call you friend and yet those fangs you bare.
You and me, we have a shepherd's job to do,
you're not supposed to be a wolf, just glare.

A year or so when it becomes a ewe
and then we'll strike, but silent with a blade,
or axe, and have more meat to place in stew.

But no you greedy bastard, had you weighed
the situation up you would have heard
a whistle saying how you should have laid.

Hi billy! this is just great! I mean it.Fabulously fucked up Aesopian fable type fabulous. With all its faults, idiosyncrases I mean, it is just pure billy!Leave it alone.It is ready.
Best,
tectak (woof, bloody, woof)

[billy]

thanks for the suggestions and the feedback.
while i like it as much as tecktak does, as it now is, i can see that some of the suggestions work better, specially where the meter is concerned. and that damn last couplet. i obviously never read the complete brief in leanne's instructions which can be found here and feel obliged to make amends. I'll work on it now.

---

1st edit up, i tried to keep it more or less the same, took leann's suggestions and also penguin's advice to change laid, though lay is a common associated with a shepherd's whistle.

[Philatone]

hey billy

this feels as though it was fun to write, despite the difficulties meter may bring. some thoughts (haven't had a glance at the other comments just yet)

1st edit
My Best Friend:

A holstered tale between two nervous knees:...nice wordplay
O churlish cur, why bite the hand of care?...a bit formal for the story? personal preference; do like how you play on the old cliche
the lamb was not for eating if you please...."as" you please?

I call you friend and yet those fangs you bare.
We two, we have a shepherd's job to do,...would need another beat, but i feel like "We, two, have a..." has a stronger flow
you're not supposed to be a wolf, just glare...."just glare" feels tagged on to me

A year to wait til it becomes a ewe...a bit awkward. maybe "A year from now it would have been a ewe"
and then we'll strike, but silent with a blade,...if the suggestion above holds, could change this to "we would have struck"
or axe, and have more meat to place in stew.

But no you greedy bastard, had you weighed...liked this, takes everything back to reality in a practical, muted tone
the situation up you would have heard...the "up" struck me as a little odd
a whistle saying how you should have stayed. ...
say" wasn't my favorite choice for the "whistle"

Consider this a punishment deferred
and next time know that you shall be interred....first line I liked, the second line maybe a little rushed? I think something stronger may come to you

Original:

My Best Friend:

A holstered tale between two nervous knees:
O churlish cur why bite the hand of care?
the lamb was not for eating if you please.

I call you friend and yet those fangs you bare.
You and me, we have a shepherd's job to do,
you're not supposed to be a wolf, just glare.

A year or so when it becomes a ewe
and then we'll strike, but silent with a blade,
or axe, and have more meat to place in stew.

But no you greedy bastard, had you weighed
the situation up you would have heard
a whistle saying how you should have laid.

great tone and idea; i enjoyed reading this a lot. hope some of the suggestions can help

[billy]

thanks geoff,

i'll think over the glare line, and some of the other points.

[tectak]

1st edit
My Best Friend:

A holstered tale between two nervous knees:every dog has its day and dogs with short tails have weak-ends
O churlish cur, why bite the hand of care?
the lamb was not for eating if you please.comma after eating makes sense

I call you friend and yet those fangs you bare.another wordplay of merit on bares/bears
We two, we have a shepherd's job to do,
you're not supposed to be a wolf, just glare.

A year to wait til it becomes a ewe
and then we'll strike, but silent with a blade,
or axe, and have more meat to place in stew.

But no you greedy bastard, had you weighedcomma after no. Full stop after bastard...or just leave it alone
the situation up you would have heard
a whistle saying how you should have stayed.

Consider this a punishment deferred
and next time know that you shall be interred.

Original:
I LOVE IT MORE AND MORE!
Best,
tectak
My Best Friend:

A holstered tale between two nervous knees:
O churlish cur why bite the hand of care?
the lamb was not for eating if you please.

I call you friend and yet those fangs you bare.
You and me, we have a shepherd's job to do,
you're not supposed to be a wolf, just glare.

A year or so when it becomes a ewe
and then we'll strike, but silent with a blade,
or axe, and have more meat to place in stew.

But no you greedy bastard, had you weighed
the situation up you would have heard
a whistle saying how you should have laid.