REVISION 6/4/12

stars peer through convent skies
as their promise fades
into jaded absolution

once they shone with fires of steel
stolen by three nails
and the frightened stench of frankincense

the celebrated dreams of sun
once thawing bitter death
now melt into wrapped reminders of guilt

and the stars, already grateful for their haloes
one by one
slip away

Quote:ORIGINAL VERSION

stars bleed forgotten jubilation
watching their promise
fade into jaded absolution

once they shone with fires of steel
stolen by three nails
and the frightened stench of frankincense

the celebrated dreams of sun
once thawing bitter death
now melt into wrapped reminders of guilt

and the stars, already grateful of their haloes
one by one
slip away

First, I love oestras of all sorts, Pacifics, Natives, any, I can eat them by the tray, even if I do still stab myself in the process. It is a little sad to swallow down a living thing, but , on the other hand, I appreciate that the oestra was born to be a sacrifice, for me to live.

I was a bit put out by the structure, as I thought it was to be an end-rhyme thing. 3rd line of S2 alone makes up for that, and with the last lines was the best for me. I would say 'grateful for', but no doubt that is just differing manners of speech.

Now, must be Good Friday there, or Hot Cross Bun Day. I wonder if I shall be able to get some high quality ones, where you can get the cross off intact.....

This has some really beautiful touches. I absolutely love S2-S4. The idea of the recreating of holidays, the theft of the symbols, and the entirely new context given to everything is an excellent idea for a poem to explore. If I had one point to critique on this though I would say that the poem sings in the later stanzas and not as much in S1. I think you need the introduction of the stars and so cutting it would require some reworking, but it may be worth considering because the later stanzas lift the bar. That said, the idea of jaded absolution is a nice addition (the idea of it in S1 as a point of contrast).

I know that may sound fairly critical but my comments are more a reflection of how much I actually like the poem.

Great read in any event Leanne!

Best,

Todd

Thank you, gentlemen, much appreciated

Todd, I do believe you're onto something with the first stanza... I need the stars, but... I shall play around with that a bit now and see what I come up with.

Ed, I'll change my preposition just for you

But just think how the bunny feels!
(Just being a wise-ass, did quite like it, especially the politics.)

The bunny feels fluffy, as it should... until it's skinned and put in the pot, then coated in chocolate and sold in the supermarket.

i new it had something to do with easter? the nails gave it away

i had to look up the title

fort some reason poems relating to religion make me feel queasy. while this one doesn't, i am having a twinge
i think i'm the same with the 9/11 stuff, and other similar things. having to read them seems to be a penance, not because i see them as bad poetry but i automatically think. oh no, not again. that said, i was force fed religion as a kid so i have somewhat of an aversion to it. if i didn't know it was about easter i'd have liked it more
that said, i do think it was well written. the edit feels a lot better, the changes in the 1st stanza feel stronger, i particularly think the 1st line has more strength and works the opening much better.
sorry for not getting to it sooner

(04-08-2012, 11:04 AM)Serah Wrote:  Ahhh, Oestra ( or osetra )....I must admit, I didn't understand at first, what your title had to do with the poem, till....I read Abu's review of how they were born to be a sacrifice, so that we may live. Interesting.
Of course, I had to read this a few times to let its meaning all soak in, but that's just me. The 2nd line in S2 tells it all: "stolen by three nails"....I love that.

I am just wondering about "frightened" in L3. I am thinking maybe it should be "frightening"? the frightening stench would describe what kind of stench it is, while the frightened stench makes it sound like it is the stench itself that is frightened....am I making any sense? Just a thought.

Thanks very much, Serah. Yes, I do want the stench to be frightened rather than frightening -- it's the odour given off by someone/thing that's frightened, as emotion changes the scent of sweat etc.

(04-08-2012, 11:04 AM)Serah Wrote:  Oh...one more little thing: check your date on the REVISION...you have 6/4/12....think you meant 4/6/12, right? : )

Sorry to disappoint, but almost all the rest of the world uses D/M/Y date format, it's almost exclusively the US that does it your way

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(04-08-2012, 11:27 AM)billy Wrote:  i new it had something to do with easter? the nails gave it away

i had to look up the title

fort some reason poems relating to religion make me feel queasy. while this one doesn't, i am having a twinge
i think i'm the same with the 9/11 stuff, and other similar things. having to read them seems to be a penance, not because i see them as bad poetry but i automatically think. oh no, not again. that said, i was force fed religion as a kid so i have somewhat of an aversion to it. if i didn't know it was about easter i'd have liked it more
that said, i do think it was well written. the edit feels a lot better, the changes in the 1st stanza feel stronger, i particularly think the 1st line has more strength and works the opening much better.
sorry for not getting to it sooner

I don't write religious poems often, for much the same reason -- cringe, and a reluctance to go quite that personal, as I don't want to be seen criticising other people's faith so much as exploring it on a political level. However, occasionally (ok, more than just occasionally) some zealot says something that I feel obliged to correct

Easter is such a conundrum! It can be Christian, Pagan, Commercial or all three, which seems to be the common acceptance. Love the revised first line especially Leanne, it puts me in mind of a young novice nun, walking to prayer across a convent courtyard,stopping momentarily looking up, and questioning the worth of Easter! Cheers!

There are a lot of things the US does differently to the rest of the world... vive la difference!

(04-06-2012, 04:57 AM)abu nuwas Wrote:  First, I love oestras of all sorts, Pacifics, Natives, any, I can eat them by the tray, even if I do still stab myself in the process. It is a little sad to swallow down a living thing, but , on the other hand, I appreciate that the oestra was born to be a sacrifice, for me to live.

I was a bit put out by the structure, as I thought it was to be an end-rhyme thing. 3rd line of S2 alone makes up for that, and with the last lines was the best for me. I would say 'grateful for', but no doubt that is just differing manners of speech.

Now, must be Good Friday there, or Hot Cross Bun Day. I wonder if I shall be able to get some high quality ones, where you can get the cross off intact.....

what is oestras and eating still alive!

yuk!! so primitive!

and you will go to oetras hell if anyone can find it too!

The "new" version is loverly. I am especially smiley-facing over
the first two strophes.
Oh, who am I kidding?I wish I had thought of this!

That revision just ratcheted the piece up to the next level, and here I thought it was already wonderful as is. Perfect, perfect opening.

><

Big hugs to all the ladies who keep the spirit of Brigid alive.

I think this very beautiful -- right through. I just wonder if you considered 'in' rather than 'into' at the beginning? I see that it it is more lucid as it stands, and there would be a nuanced change in meaning, but having hit on that, I further wondered, for reasons which I can't explain, whether 'in absolutions' -plural would give it something. But--apart from my suggestions -- please don't go mucking around with it.


Btw, I am worried about you. Yes! 'If you label me, you negate me', you say. Having just labelled yourself 'Administrator'. I had thought that you were concentrating on other stuff; now I suspect you of being like those Victorian ladies, who would go into a decline.

I will ruminate -- there is a shift of meaning with 'in' instead of 'into', but I don't dislike it. I'm trying to work out which I'd dislike the least...

I have temporarily finished concentrating on other stuff, and almost half of my limited attention can now be focused back on poetry (the label is apparently a default, as opposed to my fault!)