Some, not-so-far-off-day perhaps, when pigs
fly, dogs and cats no longer fight, you will
indeed have finally learned to write; to craft
your metaphors, fresh similes with cadence

that elevates, enhances, demarcates
the splendor of your fine narration, void
of broken-hearted, masturbation-subject-
matter. A respectful graduate,

summa-cum-laudable, a prodigy--
University of Prosodies. Displaying
all your fine degrees with requisite
gold-stars superbly super-glue-applied

We hoi polloi, will sit back, ooh and sigh,
watching bacon fledglings flying by.

Pigs still just wallow here I'm afraid

Nice little internal rhymes going on here, Sid, they're very subtle but definitely enhance the sonics, along with the alliteration. As you employ end rhyme in your couplet, though, I would suggest wrapping it up with iambic pentameter, as in:

We hoi polloi will sit back, ooh and sigh,
and watch the bacon fledglings flying by

(your final line at the moment is trochaic and just throws things out a little)

Most enjoyable, I know exactly where you're coming from!

(09-28-2011, 05:23 AM)Leanne Wrote:  Nice little internal rhymes going on here, Sid, they're very subtle but definitely enhance the sonics, along with the alliteration. As you employ end rhyme in your couplet, though, I would suggest wrapping it up with iambic pentameter, as in:

We hoi polloi will sit back, ooh and sigh,
and watch the bacon fledglings flying by

(your final line at the moment is trochaic and just throws things out a little)

Most enjoyable, I know exactly where you're coming from!

Thanks Leanne,
I agree and will apply your suggested correction. It is often those subtle changes in meter I have a bit of trouble wrapping my brain around.

Quote:Pigs still just wallow here I'm afraid

One of the few poetry places I have seen where the main players (Mods, owner, et al), do not require us (the common ruck), to genuflect. I am proud to grunt and wallow here as well.

Sid

(09-28-2011, 01:00 AM)ICSoria Wrote:  Some, not-so-far-off-day perhaps, when pigs
fly, dogs and cats no longer fight, you will
indeed have finally learned to write; to craft
your metaphors, fresh similes with cadence

that elevates, enhances, demarcates
the splendor of your fine narration, void
of broken-hearted, masturbation-subject- does it need a comma after hearted?
matter. A respectful graduate,

summa-cum-laudable, a prodigy--
University of Prosodies. Displaying
all your fine degrees with requisite
gold-stars superbly super-glue-applied

We hoi polloi, will sit back, ooh and sigh,
watching bacon fledglings flying by.

i'm not the meter king so please be gentle with me,
it reads and looks like a sonnet bar the end rhymes (excepting the couplet) in places, the university line, the masturbate line, along with a couple more. am i right in thinking you weren't aining for meter perfection (a twat of a question to ask i know, i do apologise profusely for doing so )
it feels like a parody of what a sonnet is meant to be or expected to be. or maybe poetry in general; by those with high esteem. i love what you had going on inside the structure of the poem. and there are too many lines to pick just one as most of them touched a nerve.
the mods here tell each other off
i like you poetry sid, and the non bending knee you have

thanks for laugh

Love the finish! I am fond of bacon too... particularly bacon wings.

i'm not the meter king so please be gentle with me,
it reads and looks like a sonnet bar the end rhymes (excepting the couplet) in places, the university line, the masturbate line, along with a couple more. am i right in thinking you weren't aining for meter perfection (a twat of a question to ask i know, i do apologise profusely for doing so )
it feels like a parody of what a sonnet is meant to be or expected to be. or maybe poetry in general; by those with high esteem. i love what you had going on inside the structure of the poem. and there are too many lines to pick just one as most of them touched a nerve.

thanks for laugh
[/quote]

Billy,
I never really go for perfectly Iambic, Trochaic, etc., in my non-serious stuff. Even so, I intended to go for a quasi-sonnet form. I had originally attempted to set the rhyme scheme as Shakespearean but my Muse would have none of it so I took it in another direction. This was originally a Rotten toss-away anyway, as I like to call them (In reality, I toss nothing!), and in the end, for me at least, it is all conducive to learning so I take my liberties.

I think you are right about the comma. If Word didn't have an auto-editing feature (which does not catch everything), I would be lost at times as far as punctuation decisions.

Quote:the mods here tell each other off
i like you poetry sid, and the non bending knee you have

Yeah...this is like the Rodney Dangerfield of poetry sites: "No Respect!"

Thank you for taking the time.

Sid