(content) just fiction

[heslopian]

i

rip rip rip her son
like a sheet of crepe paper

or sugar glass one breath could break

watch her shatter
silly girl

blood and bones by chapter 3
but i'm an honest sort

see my kids and baseball cap
below the author's note
i buy cookies from girl scouts

and if while dropping sally off
at her ballet class
i thought about a young mother
strapped to a broken door and raped
not with phalluses but knives
there's no need to prosecute

it's all just fiction kid

ii

all the neon dust jackets
like bar signs slicing through the dark

open the peephole snap her bra
fill a tissue drain your beer

throw me in the wastebasket
with last month's hustler

it's all just fiction
just fiction
all just fiction kid

[Wildcard]

Hi Jack,
   Very nice work, as usual. I don't know what you call the designations you used ('i' and 'ii'), but it made me think of the chapters of a book. Given the setting and the narator, I thought of Dean Koontz when I read this. I love most of your line breaks, but I didn't necessarily understand the repetition in the ending. You will keep in mind, of course, that I am very new to reading poetry.

Nice subject matter (even if I missed it) and all together a well-written piece.

[heslopian]

Thanks for the kind words and feedback, AA
The designations I used are Roman numerals: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Roman_numerals
The repetition at the end was supposed to reflect how often that argument is used by writers and defenders of serial killer novels when asked if the genre is immoral.
The poem was written as a reaction to writers like James Patterson who essentially profit from the suffering of others. They churn out these trashy shock thrillers full of women being ripped apart, aimed squarely at sexually dysfunctional creeps, and are lauded for it in pull quotes by Larry King, The New York Times etc. That's essentially the subject matter, serial killer novels. Not so much horror like what Dean Koontz writes, as I think that takes some artistry, but books designed purely to gratify the reader with images of extreme violence, often directed at women.

[ICSoria]

Jack,
You certainly make your statement clear within the intensity of this piece. I would not want you to change much but would like to see you tighten the meter somewhat (JMO), by excluding a few extraneous words such as I have suggested. This would lend itself to a bit of punctuation; commas and such. Keep it mostly as you have it, simply streamline it.


(content) just fiction
i

rip rip rip her son
like a sheet of crepe paper

or sugar glass one breath could break

watch her shatter
silly girl

blood and bones by chapter 3
but i'm an honest sort

see my kids and baseball cap
below the author's note
i buy cookies from girl scouts

and if while dropping sally off
at her ballet class
i thought about a young mother
strapped to a broken door and raped
not with phalluses but knives
there's no need to prosecute

it's all just fiction kid

ii

all the neon dust jackets
like bar signs slicing through the dark

open the peephole snap her bra
fill a tissue drain your beer

throw me in the wastebasket
with last month's hustler

it's all just fiction
just fiction
all just fiction kid

Sid

[Wildcard]

The designations I used are Roman numerals: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Roman_numerals

I know what roman numerals are, I just meant I didn't know what to call the sections. It was meant to express how the two sections made me think of the chapters in a book, further strengthening the relation to the writer.

[heslopian]

Thanks for your feedback, ICSoria I think I may use some of your suggestions.

[billy]

i just did this in mild
okay i'll try and give more constructive stuff here

i

rip rip rip her son
like a sheet of crepe paper

or sugar glass one breath could break

watch her shatter
silly girl

blood and bones by chapter 3
but i'm an honest sort is but needed?

see my kids and baseball cap
below the author's note
i buy cookies from girl scouts

and if while dropping sally off
at her ballet class is her needed?
i thought about a young mother
strapped to a broken door and raped
not with phalluses but knives
there's no need to prosecute

it's all just fiction kid

ii

all the neon dust jackets is "all the' and 'is' needed?
like bar signs slicing through the dark is the needed?

open the peephole snap her bra
fill a tissue drain your beer would it be better to enjamb where a comma should be used ?

throw me in the wastebasket
with last month's hustler

it's all just fiction
just fiction
all just fiction kid

i tried not to suggest to many cuts as like how it flows. it's similar to my other feedback in mild but with the removal ideas.

i really am just pushing it wit the nits, but they would for me improve a really good poem

[heslopian]

Thanks for your feedback and kind words Bilbo I just realised I forgot to put a content warning on both poems I'll do that in a mo.

---

The designations I used are Roman numerals: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Roman_numerals

I know what roman numerals are, I just meant I didn't know what to call the sections. It was meant to express how the two sections made me think of the chapters in a book, further strengthening the relation to the writer.

Sorry I misunderstood you AA. I'm not sure what they're called in a poem. Just chapters or sections I guess.

[Wildcard]

No problem, Jack. When I reread my post I could see why you thought that