For all the beauties of the earth
I still seek out death's mystery.
I cannot find a thing of worth
for all the beauties of the earth,
not icebergs, sunlight, streets of Perth;
I am resigned to misery.
For all the beauties of the earth
I still seek out death's mystery.

Try "I still seek out death's mystery" instead... and you've got a perfect form, with plenty to think about packed into some very lyrical lines.

Not bad at all, Jack

Thanks for the feedback and kind words Leanne May I ask a question though? What exactly makes a line lyrical? You described my one syllable for each word poem on the practice thread as lyrical, and the sonnet I sent you as not. I'm not sure I quite get the difference.

lyrical is descriptive, musical, must "flow" -- as opposed to narrative, telling, prosaic.

It's not easy to define, sorry, it's just one of those things that you know when you see it.

No no you defined it pretty well there actually. Musical and flowing... Thanks

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EDIT: Swapped "still" and "I" around in the second lines of the couplet refrains.

(07-19-2011, 08:50 AM)Heslopian Wrote:  For all the beauties of the earth
I still seek out death's mystery.
I cannot find a thing of worth
for all the beauties of the earth,
not icebergs, sunlight, streets of Perth;
I am resigned to misery.
For all the beauties of the earth
I still seek out death's mystery.

you're becoming adept at these buggers.
if i had one nit it would be beauties. the word reminds me of women ( i know it could just be em :blush) would beauty work as well and be less ambiguous, not that ambiguity is bad, i just think in this instance it's less called for.

as to the poem..i think it's top notch. streets of perth was a stretch but it works so i'm not complaining about it. jmo
thanks for the read.

Thanks for the kind words and feedback Bilbo And yes, that is just you who thinks women when you read "beauties", you big straightie

Even though this is the only other Triolet I read of yours so far, I can see you are indeed pretty good at them. I admit to to a hint of envy because in my own attempts, the form proved deceptively difficult. I am not sure how easily you can craft them but I wrote one and determined it would be my one and only attempt. Enjoying this forum so far,

Sid

Thanks very much for your kind words Sid I did have a great deal of trouble crafting this one at first, and went through several revisions.

Well, thanks, I am encouraged by that. My opinion based on my singular attempt at Triolets, is that anyone writing these must begin with a simile that will work well when repeated in the various lines without making the entire scheme seem forced.This is not as easy to accomplish as I initially thought. However, that seems to be where so many poets falter in writing these and other fixed forms. I was impressed by how easy you and Leanne seem to make it appear even though, as I have implied, I know better. I may find others but I only found these forums today. It looks like I have some enjoyable reading ahead of me though.

Sid

(07-20-2011, 08:08 AM)Heslopian Wrote:  Thanks very much for your kind words Sid I did have a great deal of trouble crafting this one at first, and went through several revisions.

Sid, keep at it... I've been writing in forms for far too many years and was just too silly to give up... and Jack is something of a prodigy, just ask him, he'll tell you so I always used to be terrified of forms with refrains, villanelles especially, but once you start it's hard to stop. Forms are the crack of poetry.