Where does sexuality end and reality begin?
In the bullet train of lust, as we speed towards
our destination, how do we move on from this?
How do we leave the platform? Tie me up,
eat me out, degrade and punish me, piss on my face
and shit in my mouth, cover me in boot polish
and beat me with a homemade switch.
But I can't run my daily life with a chain around my neck.
When I promised to be your slave I meant until
my sac explodes. I can't exactly greet your folks
while wearing seatless leather chaps. Thus we
silently agree that those promises I made
were false. I guess I really am a bitch.

(06-20-2011, 01:10 AM)Heslopian Wrote:  Where does sexuality end and reality begin?
In the bullet train of lust, as we speed towards
our destination, how do we move on from this? [how do we move on feels redundant because of the next line]
How do we leave the platform? Tie me up,
eat me out, degrade and punish me, piss on my face
and shit in my mouth, cover me in boot polish
and beat me with a homemade switch.
But I can't run my daily life with a chain around my neck. [is but needed]
When I promised to be your slave I meant until
my sac explodes. I can't exactly greet your folks
while wearing seatless leather chaps. Thus we
silently agree that those promises I made
were false. I guess I really am a bitch.

the 1st line feels too contrived for me.

for me, the transitional question from L4 could do with an answer at the end of L7 or something along the lines of a 'do you' before tie on L4
i loved L8 to the end. specially 10 and 11, which ids a great image to contemplate. i like it's tongue in cheek approach to the subject.
i think it has the foundation for a really good poem with a few edits.

thanks for the read as always.

I think this piece reads really well... the flow is great, and there's something so honest and natural about the tone which I love. Only you can talk about switches and leather chaps without it sounding contrived or like posturing i quite liked the first line myself? It made the dilemma of the piece clear from the get-go, if sexuality is indeed a fiction, and it was an interesting premise to start.

(06-21-2011, 09:48 AM)billy Wrote:  

(06-20-2011, 01:10 AM)Heslopian Wrote:  Where does sexuality end and reality begin?
In the bullet train of lust, as we speed towards
our destination, how do we move on from this? [how do we move on feels redundant because of the next line]
How do we leave the platform? Tie me up,
eat me out, degrade and punish me, piss on my face
and shit in my mouth, cover me in boot polish
and beat me with a homemade switch.
But I can't run my daily life with a chain around my neck. [is but needed]
When I promised to be your slave I meant until
my sac explodes. I can't exactly greet your folks
while wearing seatless leather chaps. Thus we
silently agree that those promises I made
were false. I guess I really am a bitch.

the 1st line feels too contrived for me.

for me, the transitional question from L4 could do with an answer at the end of L7 or something along the lines of a 'do you' before tie on L4
i loved L8 to the end. specially 10 and 11, which ids a great image to contemplate. i like it's tongue in cheek approach to the subject.
i think it has the foundation for a really good poem with a few edits.

thanks for the read as always.

I'm not really sure I can answer the question posed in L4. This poem was about highlighting as opposed to answering. I see what you mean about the redundancy of the question in L3. I may remove it. To me "but" is needed at the start of L8 in order to mark the transition from describing the sexual act to discussing the problems it poses.
Thank you as always for your feedback and kind words

---

(06-21-2011, 10:39 AM)addy Wrote:  I think this piece reads really well... the flow is great, and there's something so honest and natural about the tone which I love. Only you can talk about switches and leather chaps without it sounding contrived or like posturing i quite liked the first line myself? It made the dilemma of the piece clear from the get-go, if sexuality is indeed a fiction, and it was an interesting premise to start.

Thank you very much Addy

the reason i say it (about an answer or a way of telling us it's rhetorical. is this.

tie me up and what follows read as requests to me.

Well yes they are requests. The narrator is a masochist. But he's confused about where to draw the line between his desires and real life.

okay i'll rephrase it, they sound like demands. the thing is i stated an opinion, it's no biggy. i already have the a picture fixed in my head.
and for me the transition of the question and what came after the ? felt like something was missing. it's okay to discard or use anything i say.

Oh yes I know I wasn't trying to be aggressive! I either discard or use all of your suggestions, and the ones I discard I don't hate you for making.

good man

I thought this praiseworthy if only for the reference to meeting the folks. Perhaps the sound and tone could have varied a little, to reflect 'real' against 'sexual' passages -- I mean the sound of the words and pace. But I am too quick to carp -- so, well done, it was worth reading, and funny. Sexuality is not really being discussed though -- more the sexual mood, but heaven knows how to change that -- it is a good enough shorthand.

Thank you for the feedback abu

Heslopian

Not sure how I read this. Requests or itemization, doesnt matter i guess.
Good topic. Maybe end with (I can't exactly greet your folks
while wearing seatless leather chaps.) This line was the ohhhhh! for me.


Fun read

David