Grief

[heslopian]

The browning shrubs around the lonely grave,
the days we spent on softer seeming grass,
the former now is all I have to save,
love through the walls of my heart cannot pass.

We kept no pictures, the albums are bare,
a need to capture redundant, we thought;
o how I yearn to hold but one lost hair,
a gift before you left the mortal port.

No loss of mine will trump the loss of you,
the mate long vanished into a lone death;
an age ago our passion fiercely grew,
but since has drained like your departing breath.

The face I touched is now a dying dream.
The last sound you made I hear as a scream.

[ficosdarkness]

Haunting, Jack. I love it.
Thanks for the read.
fd

[kath3]

Full of anguish.
Well done, Jack ... I appreciated it.
Thank you.

[billy]

The browning shrubs around the lonely grave,
the days we spent on softer seeming grass,
the former now is all I have to save, 'now' feels forced and a little yoda
love through the walls of my heart cannot pass. this one's archaic syntax also.

We kept no pictures, the albums are bare,
a need to capture redundant, we thought.
o how I yearn to hold but one lost hair, the but is to forced
a gift before you left the mortal port.

No loss of mine will trump the loss of you,
the mate long vanished into a lone death;
an age ago our passion fiercely grew, cliché
but since has drained like your departing breath. excellent verse

The face I touched is now a dying dream.
The last sound you made I hear as a scream.

really really great form wise jack.

content wise it;s just great; no really really the last couplet reads well but but doesn't grab me. the 3rd verse is my fave,

i really enjoyed it despite such feedback as i gave, i think you have the form down (though keep checking for di da, di da, di da, it feels like is some places you have a double long foot, ie;
di da, di da, da di, di da.

much better than i could do jack,

it has a haunting quality of loss about it, which i think could be made more so if a few of the three letter words were exchanged for one with more than one syllable

thanks for the read. and very well done. jmo

[heslopian]

Thanks for the very kind words and feedback Bilbo

[billy]

so will you be doing another one please.

[heslopian]

I may do soon. I don't know yet.

[addy]

Great mood piece Jack. I love not just the sadness but the anguish you injected into it.

[Cthonian]

I love the term "mortal port." I enjoyed this very much Jack. I feel the despair and regret (especially at the "bare albums" - a line that really touched me) in the verse. Great!

[abu nuwas]

It is a touching poem, a little reminiscent of Tennyson's 'Break, break, break': "O for the touch of a vanished hand/And O for the sound of a voice that is still'. I know I have in the past thought exactly that-- photos and videos quite unnecessary, yet later...well, as you say.

I personally thought the comments about this or that being archaic, were archaic. I think if one is going to use words, one should allow oneself as many as possible, and similarly with grammar and syntax. I might say more, but as this is my first comment, I shan't.

[billy]

feel free to post about it in the poetry discussion forum abu.
(sorry for using your thread for a message jack)

[heslopian]

That's okay Bilbo, and thanks for the feedback abu

[critical mass]

Enjoyed this a lot, very lonely poem.

(snip) comment
was informed that thought and port rhyme if you are British or Australian. My apologies.

Good job

David