The demented laugh of a stung hyena.
Laughing at nothing, at a wall,
at a chair,

moving through the alleyways
of stacked bookshelves, like a ghost
in a bad Gothic tome,

hissing and steaming like a kettle with mirth,
rising from mills of sorrow,
a poppy on a battlefield.

Return then to the house of mourning,
an exchange of masks, the hurried actor
in a one man epic, playing both peasent and prince.

Then as the brain spins like fresh candy floss
the encore goes on,
until all the players are dead.

Great work here, with a fascinating subject matter that you expertly handled. I've heard accounts of bipolarism and it's not pretty, yet you didn't allow the subject to consume the poem with predictable metaphors for literal interpretations of the affliction; instead you took it to broader, more sensitive places. There's really not much I can comment on in terms of revision.

(03-17-2011, 08:21 PM)Heslopian Wrote:  The demented bray of a stung hyena.
Laughing at nothing, at a wall,
at a chair, I found this really poignant

moving through the alleyways
of stacked bookshelves, like a ghost
in a bad Gothic tome, Not sure "bad" is needed? It adds a layer of irony/sarcasm that pulls me out of it a little

hissing and steaming like second "like" simile in a row... is this intentional? a kettle with mirth,
rising from mills of sorrow,
a poppy on a battlefield. This image was nicley arresting as well

Return then to the house of mourning,
an exchange of masks, the hurried actor
in a one man epic, playing both peasent and prince. Like this. Very interesting interpretation

Then as the brain wobbles and shatters like glass Not sure the brain thing worked for me, only because I thought of a literal brain LOL ... so the picture of it wobbling like jelly then shattering was a little jarring
the encore goes on,
until all the players are dead.

Nicely done!

Thank you for your feedback and kind words Addy I have a habit of using numerous similes, sometimes because "like" adds an extra word which improves the rhythm for me, and sometimes because it provides an easy segway into the comparison.
I agree with you about the brain thing. I had so much trouble thinking of a first line for that last stanza. The original was something about candy floss being churned.
Thanks again for your comment and I'm glad this poem read well to you; I was worried that it might seem sensational, a bit exploitative and overly romantic perhaps.

(03-23-2011, 04:41 PM)Heslopian Wrote:  I was worried that it might seem sensational, a bit exploitative and overly romantic perhaps.

It was none of those things; personally I loved it

(03-17-2011, 08:21 PM)Heslopian Wrote:  The demented bray of a stung hyena. donkeys bray, hyena laugh and i don;t think it will conflict with the laughing on the next line. it may even reinforce it
Laughing at nothing, at a wall,
at a chair, considering the title, it's a good opening verse

moving through the alleyways
of stacked bookshelves, like a ghost
in a bad Gothic tome, is bad needed, it makes the line weaker

hissing and steaming like a kettle with mirth, for me it would work better with one or the other, or 'hissing steam like a ke....
rising from mills of sorrow, great line
a poppy on a battlefield. nice metaphor and glad there's no like which would make it a simile

Return then to the house of mourning, for me the 'then' gives it an archaic feel, would A return to... work as well?
an exchange of masks, the hurried actor
in a one man epic, playing both peasent and prince. nicely done, better than pauper and prince which it made me think of

Then as the brain wobbles and shatters like glass shatters like glass feels a little off for me
the encore goes on,
until all the players are dead. the last verse give it some sort of finality that leads to a re run.

not seen a bipolar poem like this before jack or as good as this.
most of my in-line comments are really nits.
i love that used peasant and prince and not prince and pauper as i stated. it makes that last two lines form an image i can collect and say mmm i know that . one man two people what a perfect metaphor for bipolar, much better than if you allowed it to be a simile as you oft do hehe.
i think when a line or verse can make us recollect a memory it works at it's optimum.

great 1st verse, and some really good lines throughout
it's fairly hard for me to find anything wrong enough to give solid feedback because as a rule i enjoy your style of poetry,

thanks for the read

Thanks for the kind words and feedback Billy. I'll change "bray" to "laugh" once I've finished this. Like I said to Addy I agree regarding the brain line. I think I remember the original line: "The brain spinning like candy floss". Would that work better?

yeah, for me it would.

Done.