Mystery

[heslopian]

Walking down a cul-de-sac
I passed a little house today,
with gray paving slabs as decoration
in the front garden.

Dotted among them were orange segments,
perfectly quartered, grown stale from age.
The arrangement was too definite for it to be an accident,
a child playing dice with his snack.

What do they mean? I wondered.
A strange ritual in worship of Gods
known only to the homeowners?
Perhaps at night they choose a fruit

from a bowl on the kitchen table,
then divide it carefully, each taking turns with the knife,
while reciting esoteric psalms.
Then maybe the mother, wearing her bed clothes,

gathers the resulting bundle in her hands, steps onto the slabs,
barefoot proceeds to kiss each piece,
before placing them like a blackjack dealer.
Life is full of unanswered questions, I thought while imagining this.

[billy]

will do this one tomorrow

[billy]

Walking down a cul-de-sac
I passed a little house today,
with gray paving slabs as decoration
in the front garden. feels weak in the opening

Dotted among them were orange segments, is 'were' needed
perfectly quartered, grown stale from age.
The arrangement was too definite for it to be an accident, is was needed
a child playing dice with his snack. some decent imagery in this one

So what do they mean? I wondered. would 'what do the mean' suffice?
A strange ritual in worship of Gods
known only to the homeowners? is 'the' needed
Perhaps at night they choose a fruit

from a bowl on the kitchen table,
then divide it carefully, each taking turns with the knife,
while reciting esoteric psalms.
Then maybe the mother, wearing her bed clothes,

gathers the resulting bundle in her hands, steps onto the slabs,
and barefoot proceeds to kiss each piece, is 'and' needed
before placing them like a blackjack dealer.
Life is full of unanswered questions, I thought while imagining this.

the poems feels really sedate, the weak opening didn't rock me at all, then.......
after reading the poem in it's entirety it sort of worked. lets face it it was about the mundane, the last verse specifically the last line was quite amusing. normally last lines like that feel tacked on but this one didn't it sort of made the poem.
anyway, on this one, i'm on the fence, leaning towards 'i like it'
i felt that a few packing words were maybe slowing it down even further than intended and made it too drawn out jmo

as always, thanks for the read.

[heslopian]

Thanks for the feedback Billy. I don't like this one very much, mostly because I find it too bloated at times and too thin at others. I'm a bit confused by your critique of the opening line of the second verse. Without the "were" the line would read like so: "Dotted among them orange segments", and so it wouldn't make sense. Regarding the "the" before "homeowners", the narrator is referring specifically to the owners of the house he passed, not homeowners in general. I agree with you about the "So" in the third and the "and" in the final verse. I'll remove them once I've finished this.

[billy]

dotted among them, orange segments
perfectly quartered, grown stale from age.

that looks coooel to me jack. but the choice is always yours

[heslopian]

Oh yeah I see it now. haha God I feel like such a retard