"It's all make believe, isn't it?" - Marilyn Monroe

And here we are again, discussing death
Like old women returning
To the same topics: their grandsons’ wives,
The price of eggs, how schools have declined
Since they abolished the cane.

How can one fail to be fascinated
By the inevitable, the approaching man
In the long black coat
Who never announces himself,
Never calls you on the phone,

But insists on making the journey by foot,
Down roads dotted with years, birthdays,
Marriages and funerals
For those he takes along the way,
Until he arrives at your bed and you see.

The alleys of eternity
Are no thriving metropolis, no Leamington Spa
In the sky, not a Camp David for the rich
And the poor. I doubt any of our theories are true.
Yet here we are, discussing death.

(03-20-2011, 02:25 PM)Heslopian Wrote:  "It's all make believe, isn't it?" - Marilyn Monroe

And here we are again, discussing death
Like old women returning
To the same topics: their grandsons’ wives,
The price of eggs, how schools have declined
Since they abolished the cane.

How can one fail to be fascinated
By the inevitable, the approaching man
In the long black coat
Who never announces himself,
Never calls you on the phone,

But insists on making the journey by foot,
Down roads dotted with years, birthdays, i think years is redundant
Marriages and funerals
For those he takes along the way,
Until he arrives at your bed and you see.

The alleys of eternity
Are no thriving metropolis, no Leamington Spa funny line
In the sky, not a Camp David for the rich
And the poor. I doubt any of our theories are true.
Yet here we are, discussing death.

i found the we thing (here we are) a little disconcerting. in a weird way it works.
as though i was sucked into the conversation.
i'd like to see a word in front of foot such as spectral ... without it i get the feeling everyones going to live a long time .

i don't usually like a headline but again it works and does so well.
my main nit is the title. it seems a waste of word to call a poem so obviously about death 'death' you have the chance to use the title as an innuendo, comedial phrase, simile or something else.

for me while it's a better than average poem, it feels a little weak and the narrative doesn't pull it around enough in my opinion.

In the long black coat
Who never announces himself,
Never calls you on the phone,

But insists on making the journey by foot,

the line with coat could be a pop star or beatnick

i think we need to see it's death.

in the long black cowled coat
who silently announces himself
never calls you on the phone

he scythes his way on spectral foot

not as good as yours i know but what i#m saying is show more of attributes than a simple long black coat

all jmo.
thanks for the read.

Thanks for the feedback Billy. I called it "Death" in order to reflect the mundane reality I was trying to convey. I think I may have gone a little far I think this is one of those poems where the attempt at the artfully humdrum just comes across as humdrum.