1st Edit

The eyes didn’t dance like butterflies.
Vacant they showed an empty room,
windows opening onto a deserted island.
Legs; wanting to move,
they lay there with feet pointed at 3:45.
A.M. or P.M he couldn’t tell. The ringing in his ears
came from blood rush. The bell fell silent
halfway through the first and last.
Kidneys screaming from the need to piss
blood. On his back looking up, burned like rope,
surrounded by the world.
He thought he'd fought a good fight, he remembered tagging
the opponents chin, or was that another bout?
He saw a pristine towel as his jaw broke.
It was thrown too late; the towel not the punch.
He never made the eight.

---

Edited with the help of Heslopian's feedback as well as his grammar.
thanks jack.

original

The eyes didn’t dance like butterflies.
Vacant they showed an empty room
windows opening onto a deserted island.
Legs; wanting to move, could not.
They lay there with feet pointed at 3:45
A.M. or P.M he couldn’t tell. The ringing in his ears
came from blood rush. The bell fell silent
halfway through the first and last.
Kidneys screaming from the need to piss
blood. On his back looking up, burned like rope,
surrounded by the world ‘So this is death’.
He thought he'd fought a good fight, he remembered tagging
the opponents chin, or was that another bout?
He saw a pristine towel as his jaw broke.
It was thrown too late; the towel not the punch.
He never made the eight.

This feels very prosey. Like the beginning of a novel. Nothing wrong with that though. It's still a great piece.

(03-15-2011, 03:44 PM)billy Wrote:  The eyes didn’t dance like butterflies. It always confuses me when a writer says something isn't like something else without then revealing the real simile. Why bother saying it if it isn't true? Would the line make more sense as a couplet like so:

"The eyes didn't dance like newborn butterflies,
but were stiff like their corpses, pinned to a board."
Vacant they showed an empty room I think a comma here would improve the rhythm.
windows opening onto a deserted island. Love this line. Subtle yet evocative.
Legs; wanting to move, could not. Is "; wanting to move, could not." needed? That addition seems to tell what the following line shows. "His legs lay there..." and then the rest of that line would work better for me.
They lay there with feet pointed at 3:45 A full stop here would make the syntax clearer.
A.M. or P.M he couldn’t tell. Like that line. The idea of being removed from time it creates. The ringing in his ears
came from blood rush. The bell fell silent
halfway through the first and last. Effective line break after "silent".
Kidneys screaming from the need to piss
blood. On his back looking up, burned like rope, Good simile.
surrounded by the world ‘So this is death’. Is 'So this is death' needed? Again it seems to tell what the other lines show, and just seems like an awkward addendum.
He thought he'd fought a good fight, he remembered tagging
the opponents chin, or was that another bout?
He saw a pristine towel as his jaw broke. Nice line.
It was thrown too late; the towel not the punch.
He never made the eight. Great pithy closer.

All the changes are just my opinion of course. On the whole I really liked this. It felt like something from a James Ellroy or, going back a bit, Raymond Chandler novel.

(03-16-2011, 05:24 AM)Heslopian Wrote:  The eyes didn’t dance like butterflies. It always confuses me when a writer says something isn't like something else without then revealing the real simile. Why bother saying it if it isn't true? Would the line make more sense as a couplet like so:

i thought;
[b]Vacant they showed an empty room was the 2nd part of the simile? though it could have been rooms and not room.

i'll do a quick edit on most of your other points..
nice crit jack, thanks, for it and the kind words.

I didn't get that they were connected, but yeah I see your point. Sorry that was my mistake. Nice edit by the way.

no probs and the edits down to your feedback