The Miracle of Distance

[Lawrence]

I sit outside my house, smoking the brand
That killed my grandfather-
Wisps, mingling with moonlight
Climb the aluminum siding
And die, somewhere out of sight.

Wherever my father is,
He's probably drunk. Belly-up
In a tin fishing boat, watching
The sky spin like a dark disco ball

He sees the same stars I do.
The ones who, long ago, burned together;
Now, broken glass strewn on a black carpet
In God's forgotten cellar


I crush my cigarette and walk off.
My footsteps echo like down an empty hallway
To nowhere.


Just before I close the door-
The night leans into my ear
And I hear-



"There is no God but the God of loneliness-
And distance is his miracle."

[heslopian]

This poem was worth the wait, my friend. I have very few suggestions. It's almost perfect and beautifully crafted.

I sit outside my house, smoking the brand
That killed my grandfather-
Wisps, mingling with moonlight Could a comma go after "moonlight"?
Climb the aluminum siding
And die, somewhere out of sight.

My father (wherever he is)
Is probably drunk. Belly-up
In a tin fishing boat, watching
The sky spin like a dark disco ball Adore this line.

He sees the same stars I do.
The ones who, long ago, burned together;
Now, broken glass strewn on a black carpet
In God's forgotten cellar Fantastic metaphor. Reminds me of a similar line in The Hollow Men.

I crush my cigarette and walk off.
My footsteps echo like down an empty hallway
To nowhere. I don't like this simile. It seems contrived. Would the effect of this couplet be more pronounced if you finished it with simply "My footsteps echo"?


Just before I close the door-
The night leans into my ear
And I hear-



"There is no God but the God of loneliness-
And distance is his miracle." Excellent.

This is such a dear and melancholy piece, not depressing but just sadly ruminative, wise beyond its years almost. Nearly every verse could be picked apart by intelligent students of poetry and discussed for days on end.

[addy]

I sit outside my house, smoking the brand
That killed my grandfather- nice opening lines
Wisps, mingling with moonlight
Climb the aluminum siding
And die, somewhere out of sight.

My father (wherever he is)
Is probably drunk. Belly-up
In a tin fishing boat, watching
The sky spin like a dark disco ball This line didn't work as well for me? Maybe a more meaningful or profound description other than "dark" will give the line more implied layer, like "cosmic" or something. Just imo

He sees the same stars I do. Very nice twist. The more cliche use of this line is to imply common experience/ connectedness, but here you used it in a blunt way that somehow seems to further widen the emotional chasm
The ones who, long ago, burned together;
Now, broken glass strewn on a black carpet
In God's forgotten cellar


I crush my cigarette and walk off.
My footsteps echo like down an empty hallway
To nowhere. I hesitated at this line as well, but for a different reason; assuming you were outside, it wouldn't echo like a hallway.


Just before I close the door-
The night leans into my ear
And I hear-



"There is no God but the God of loneliness-
And distance is his miracle." This close really struck me. Very, very nice.

This is even more profound than it originally appears. By comparing connection and togetherness to the stars in the sky (that in reality are not only probably dead but nowhere near one another), you say therefore that the human connections and relations we have are merely an illusion of relativity. A great take on the subject.

[kath3]

Lawrence, I truely enjoyed this piece ... very well written.
No use high-lighting my favorite lines as I liked all of it.
I did find the closing to be very profound.
Thank you!

[billy]

I sit outside my house, smoking the brand i like that brand can have two levels of meaning
That killed my grandfather-
Wisps, mingling with moonlight
Climb the aluminum siding
And die, somewhere out of sight. line works but feels a little weak

My father (wherever he is)
Is probably drunk. Belly-up
In a tin fishing boat, watching
The sky spin like a dark disco ball i guess dark is used to denote night but it feels unnecessary for me as i connect the disco ball with stars that shine etc

He sees the same stars I do.
The ones who, long ago, burned together; would 'that' work better than 'those'
Now, broken glass strewn on a black carpet
In God's forgotten cellar


I crush my cigarette and walk off.
My footsteps echo like down an empty hallway is like needed? without it empty hallway becomes a good metaphor
To nowhere.


Just before I close the door-
The night leans into my ear fantastic line
And I hear- for me the poem ends here the way it would leave me hanging would give me so many things to ponder, jmo



"There is no God but the God of loneliness-
And distance is his miracle."

this for me is what a poem should look and read like,
original, it has a real cool hand luke feel about it (before your time )the image of the penultimate verse was superb and very strong though others may disagree. i felt the last couplet made the poem weaker. for me it felt like it was put there because another ending wasn't available.
that said, i still think is an excellent pievce of writing and one that wouldn't go amiss being published. jmo
thanks for the read

good to see you writing again lawrence.

i never said anything about the title.

it's perfect, works on more than one level and best as a metaphor for death.