Here I am lost
in a swirl of cliches,
as I stare
through condensation
and hand prints
on the window of the bus,
to see shoppers,
the homeless,
the mentally ill,
the station workers
and the lovestruck students,
transients following
their own routes,
making stops, breaking down,
picking up passengers,
before finally stopping
at a terminal,
never able to return,
to turn the thing around
and drive all the way back,
to here, where we started,
where the bus departed,
with me staring
through the window at them.

(01-17-2011, 09:49 AM)Heslopian Wrote:  Here I am lost
in a swirl of cliches,
as I stare through would it work better as; 'as i stare'
the window of the bus, through condensation
through condensation and hand prints
and hand prints on the window of the bus
to see shoppers, the homeless, why not place 'the homeless on it's own line and make it a list?
the mentally ill,
the station workers
and the lovestruck students,
following their own transient and route; transient is 'passing quickly', route is 'a common path or way'. would these two lines read better as
transients following
their own routes
transient routes,
making stops, breaking down,
picking up passengers,
before finally stopping
beneath a shelter, what kind of shelter maybe 'terminal' or something else
never able to return,
to turn the thing around
and drive all the way back,
to here, where we started,
where the bus departed,
with me staring
through the window at them.

i get the feel of the poem. (i'm a people watcher) it's a plain poem but one i can relate to. i think it needs a small edit but nothing major. its strength lies in its simplicity. i wonder if there's such a thing as a 'a ponder poem' if so then this would be a great one.

thanks for the read jack.

Thank you for the feedback Billy. I will use all the suggestions all you made.

Lovely, lovely poem. As billy said, it has a nice pondersome feel, and I loved how you looped it back at the end.

imo, there's something something about the first two lines that seem a little weaker than the rest ("parade of cliche", though not a better line enjambment-wise, is less cliche LOL ... so something like that). Just a suggestion, but this works nicely as is. Well done!

Thank you for the kind words and feedback Addy I did intend to expand on the opening lines, writing about the act of writing, but that intention got lost as I soldiered on.

(01-18-2011, 05:15 PM)Heslopian Wrote:  I did intend to expand on the opening lines, writing about the act of writing, but that intention got lost as I soldiered on.

Ah, that definitely makes sense then

Hi Jack,

This has a nice stark almost Bukowski feel to it. No real nits. The only thing I thought about that might be fun to add is after "in a swirl of cliches,"
actually cliches (hearts, souls, shards, blah blah blah). If you did it right it could really work.

Maybe just an odd thought, but it felt like it might work well here.

Cool Poem.

Best,

Todd