Sleep

[Lawrence]

“You are a red balloon
The earth cannot possess.
As consciousness forfeits its grip,
You feel yourself ascending-
No more than a shrinking drop
Of blood upon the skin of sky.”

He sighs. Tonight,
Sleep won’t be seduced.
At least, not that kind.
Yes, Tonight, the mind
Is a screaming train
Dragging its breaks
On rails of thought.

Outside,
Even the moon is sleeping
Behind blankets of smoke.
Sometimes, a low shine
Finds its way to the window
But that's just nature,
Playing jokes.

While earth,
Earth is alive with music-
Winter air, tires on snow,
The scent of pine even
Rings through night like a note-
Filling him with the weight of life
And time and memory-
An empty chair, distant
footsteps treading stairs;
Lying there, tied in the twine
Of night.

He gazes out of the window.

Eventually, sleep arrives.
Not with the lightness of
A red balloon, but concrete tied
To the soul; blood becoming iron-
And consciousness, a sinking ship
Nose pointed down, towards the abyss
____________________________
First Version

“You are a red balloon
The earth no longer wants.
As gravity loosens its grip,
You feel yourself ascending-
No more than a shrinking drop
Of blood to onlookers below.”

He sighs. Tonight,
Sleep won’t be seduced.
At least, not that kind.

Outside,
The moon is an old light-bulb
Flickering beneath smoke.
Sometimes, if the clouds are thin,
It peers dimly through as if
It were dying, reaching for
Its last words, only to slip away.

But the earth,
The earth is alive with music-
Winter air, tires on snow,
The scent of pine even
Rings through night like a note-
Filling him with the weight of life
And dread and memory-
The empty chair, the
Footsteps and turning of a lock.

He looks out of the window-
“Only this could leave me
With such heaviness.
It’s taking-"

And suddenly, sleep arrives.
Not with the lightness of
A red ballon, but
A slow sinking, concrete tied
To the soul; blood becoming iron-
Sending him into the waters of dreams.


This one is causing me some irritation. I don't want to discard it, so any suggestions are welcome.

[heslopian]

My review is of the new version.

“You are a red balloon
The earth cannot possess.
As consciousness forfeits its grip,
You feel yourself ascending- I don't really like these dashes you use. They seem a tad sloppy and vague. A semi-colon would do fine.
No more than a shrinking drop
Of blood upon the skin of sky.”

He sighs. Tonight,
Sleep won’t be seduced. Shouldn't sleep be the seducer here? The way you personify sleep makes it sound passive, which I don't think was your intention. Would the line work better like this: "Tonight/he won't succumb to sleep."
At least, not that kind. I don't understand this line.
Yes, Tonight, the mind Why have you capitalised "Tonight"?
Is a screaming train
Dragging its breaks
On rails of thought. This train metaphor is somewhat cliche, belonging to romantic fiction, whereas I see you more as a realist.

Outside,
Even the moon is sleeping Is "Even" needed? I'd suggest ditching it and bringing "Outside" down a line.
Behind blankets of smoke. Would "In" work better than "Behind"? This is probably a personal thing; I have my own esoteric sense of rhythm. So esoteric it's only relevant to me
Sometimes, a low shine
Finds its way to the window
But that's just nature,
Playing jokes. Of these last four lines, the first two are rather cliche, but are well justified by their successors, which highlight the fact that they are cliches, and thus show some delicious self-awareness.

While earth,
Earth is alive with music- Would this opening work better like so: "Earth, however,/Is alive with music"?
Winter air, tires on snow, I think "ice" would work better than "snow." The sound evoked in the reader's mind would, I feel, have more impact.
The scent of pine even
Rings through night like a note- Is "even" needed?
Filling him with the weight of life
And time and memory- Would this line work better with a comma after "life," and a removal of the "And" before "time"? Again this could just be my esoteric rhythm.
An empty chair, distant
footsteps treading stairs;
Lying there, tied in the twine
Of night. Excellent last four lines.

He gazes out of the window. Is "of" really needed?

Eventually, sleep arrives. Do you need the comma?
Not with the lightness of
A red balloon, but concrete tied
To the soul; blood becoming iron-
And consciousness, a sinking ship
Nose pointed down, towards the abyss I think the end would work better if you placed a comma after "ship," and removed the one following "down." Other than that this is a smashing close.

A charming and haunted poem, filled with a soft melancholy which envelops the reader gradually, rather like sleep itself Or a hug from a stranger in the dark.

[billy]

“You are a red balloon
The earth cannot possess.
As consciousness forfeits its grip,
You feel yourself ascending-
No more than a shrinking drop
Of blood upon the skin of sky.” much better for me

He sighs. Tonight,
Sleep won’t be seduced.
At least, not that kind.
Yes, Tonight, the mind
Is a screaming train
Dragging its breaks
On rails of thought. strong image and better in this extended version

Outside,
Even the moon is sleeping
Behind blankets of smoke.
Sometimes, a low shine
Finds its way to the window
But that's just nature,
Playing jokes. struggle a bit with these two lines. (feels out of sync with the rest of the poem)

While earth,
Earth is alive with music-
Winter air, tires on snow,
The scent of pine even
Rings through night like a note-
Filling him with the weight of life
And time and memory-
An empty chair, distant
footsteps treading stairs;
Lying there, tied in the twine
Of night. i like the imagery going on in this part of the edit.

He gazes out of the window. i prefer this line to the original 4

Eventually, sleep arrives.
Not with the lightness of
A red balloon, but concrete tied
To the soul; blood becoming iron-
And consciousness, a sinking ship
Nose pointed down, towards the abyss it has even more great imagery

i think this is a great edit lawrence. the last 2 lines of verse 3 are my only nit and a small nit at that. maybe even the last 3 lines. for me they feel a bit to tongue in cheek. other than that i think you've nailed it. nicely done.
all jmo.
____________________________
First Version

“You are a red balloon
The earth no longer wants.
As gravity loosens its grip,
You feel yourself ascending-
No more than a shrinking drop
Of blood to onlookers below.”

He sighs. Tonight,
Sleep won’t be seduced.
At least, not that kind.

Outside,
The moon is an old light-bulb
Flickering beneath smoke.
Sometimes, if the clouds are thin,
It peers dimly through as if
It were dying, reaching for
Its last words, only to slip away.

But the earth,
The earth is alive with music-
Winter air, tires on snow,
The scent of pine even
Rings through night like a note-
Filling him with the weight of life
And dread and memory-
The empty chair, the
Footsteps and turning of a lock.

He looks out of the window-
“Only this could leave me
With such heaviness.
It’s taking-"

And suddenly, sleep arrives.
Not with the lightness of
A red ballon, but
A slow sinking, concrete tied
To the soul; blood becoming iron-
Sending him into the waters of dreams.


This one is causing me some irritation. I don't want to discard it, so any suggestions are welcome.

[Lawrence]

Thanks guys!
I think I like this edit better...

_______________________________
“You are a red balloon
The earth cannot possess.
As consciousness forfeits its grip,
You feel yourself ascending-
No more than a shrinking drop
Of blood upon the skin of sky.”

He sighs. Tonight,
Sleep won’t be seduced.
At least, not that kind.
Yes, Tonight, the mind
Is a train dragging sparks
On rails of cold thought.

Outside,
Even the moon is sleeping
Behind blankets of smoke.
Sometimes, a low shine
Finds its way to the window
But that's just nature,
Playing jokes.

But the earth,
The earth is alive with music-
Winter air, tires on snow,
The scent of pine
Rings through night like a note-

He gazes out of the window.

Eventually, sleep arrives.
Not with the lightness of
A red balloon, but concrete tied
To the soul; blood becoming iron-
And consciousness, a ship
With its nose pointed down
And its burning sails ripped.

---

I also placed a weak rhyme scheme in this poem, in case you didn't see it (probably my fault)
Sky
Sighs
Kind
Mind
Outside
Sometimes
Etc, Etc.

[billy]

the two buts so close together kind of feels off for me lawrence.

[Lawrence]

Interesting observation! I'll fix that.

[billy]

i'm enjoying the edits you're doing.

[Todd]

Sorry Lawrence If I paid attention more I'd realize this was a later revision for Iron. I'll try to come back to it but I need to give it a few days so I'm not thinking to closely about the one I just commented on.