It’s been said far too many times
The teddy isn’t comforting enough
The blankets are cold
The bed too large
(it’s downsized and yet there’s still too much space)

I say everything too much because
I’m afraid
You’ll forget them if I pause
Long enough to breathe

I’m tossing and turning
Restless in the grip of
Nightmares that mock me with your face
And your name on my lips as I’m released from
Hel
And all her promises of half-dead romance

I say things too much because
I’m scared
I’ll forget how to express
Everything

It’s been said far too many times
You make the bad things go away
The nights are perfect
The time endless
(if only I could stop it when we needed to… all the time)

I say things too much because
I don’t know
How to say them
‘Just enough’

Time and distance are one and the same
And you’re far too long away from me
For anything to be comfortable in this
Un-dead dream that
Threatens my reality

(did you know you keep me real?)

Intriguing poem, with lots of tension. And even at the end the mystery and tension isn't quite released, which I quite liked. My favorite stanza is the first... simple images with a depth of meaning behind them that sets up the poem perfectly. If I had a quibble, it would be about the line "it's been said far too many times...(the blankets are cold, you make bad things go away, etc)". Who says those things? Not the general public, surely, so it must be either the narrator or the other object of the poem. So it's more like "I've said..." rather than "it's been said..." if I'm interpreting it correctly. Just imo, though.

(01-03-2011, 05:25 AM)Mrs-Sin Wrote:  It’s been said far too many times
The teddy isn’t comforting enough A wee bit girlish, but then that no doubt suits the character you're conveying here.
The blankets are cold
The bed too large
(it’s downsized and yet there’s still too much space)

I say everything too much because
I’m afraid
You’ll forget them if I pause What is "them"? I think you should be a bit more specific about what the character is saying.
Long enough to breathe

I’m tossing and turning
Restless in the grip of
Nightmares that mock me with your face
And your name on my lips as I’m released from
Hel I think you mean "hell." Also, do you really need enjambment here? I think it would work just as well next to "from."
And all her promises of half-dead romance Who's "her"? Are you personifying hell as a woman? Again you need more detail here.

I say things too much because
I’m scared
I’ll forget how to express
Everything Is "Everything" needed? Would it work better as a three line stanza, ending thusly: "I'll forget how to express myself"?

It’s been said far too many times Is "far" needed? This could just be me; I'm a fervent believer in economy of words.
You make the bad things go away
The nights are perfect
The time endless
(if only I could stop it when we needed to… all the time) This last line needs more detail. The more I think about it the less it makes sense.

I say things too much because
I don’t know
How to say them
‘Just enough’ Would "Just right" work better?

Time and distance are one and the same
And you’re far too long away from me Excellent couplet. For me the poem should end here.
For anything to be comfortable in this
Un-dead dream that
Threatens my reality

(did you know you keep me real?)

All this is just my opinion, of course. The poem has promise but it needs to be tighter and a tad more focused. Think hard about your structure and what exactly it is you're trying to say. Thank you for the read, Mrs-Sin

(01-03-2011, 05:25 AM)Mrs-Sin Wrote:  It’s been said far too many times
The teddy isn’t comforting enough
The blankets are cold
The bed too large
(it’s downsized and yet there’s still too much space) this line feels a little redundant as we know the beds too large irrespective of the size

I say everything too much because
I’m afraid would 'because' be better on this line or not used at all?
You’ll forget them if I pause
Long enough to breathe

I’m tossing and turning
Restless in the grip of for me the 'of' would work better on the next line
Nightmares that mock me with your face
And your name on my lips as I’m released from is 'and' needed?
Hel hell, the enjambment feels shaky
And all her promises of half-dead romance

I say things too much because
I’m scared
I’ll forget how to express
Everything

It’s been said far too many times who by? it feels like the reader is left out of the loop
You make the bad things go away
The nights are perfect is 'are' needed?
The time endless
(if only I could stop it when we needed to… all the time)

I say things too much because
I don’t know
How to say them
‘Just enough’

Time and distance are one and the same
And you’re far too long away from me
For anything to be comfortable in this
Un-dead dream that
Threatens my reality

(did you know you keep me real?) feels a little forced

for me the poem could o,prove from some work on the enjambment Mrs sin. that said the poem carries a sense of loneliness and a resigned commonality when the one we love isn't there. some good lines. i thought the 1st and the 5th verse work really well and helped pull the poem together.

i like the fact it isn't a heavy poem. for me it would have read better had it ended after comfortable. (all jmo). as always, thank you for posting

Hi Mrs-Sin,

It's good to see your work again. I'll post a few comments for you in the lines (my opinion of course as always use what you like and ignore the rest):

(01-03-2011, 05:25 AM)Mrs-Sin Wrote:  It’s been said far too many times--Might just be a preference but given the title I don't know if you need this line
The teddy isn’t comforting enough
The blankets are cold--great line. Option for you would be to emphasize the parallel structure more and change "are" to "too". Just an option though
The bed too large
(it’s downsized and yet there’s still too much space)--not sure you need this line

I say everything too much because--can you think of a more visual way to say this
I’m afraid
You’ll forget them if I pause
Long enough to breathe

I’m tossing and turning--a little too comon of a phrase here I don't think you need it
Restless in the grip of
Nightmares that mock me with your face
And your name on my lips as I’m released from
Hel--maybe a minor typo Hell (unless you mean the Norse goddess which I think you do)
And all her promises of half-dead romance--I like half-dead romance

I say things too much because
I’m scared
I’ll forget how to express
Everything

It’s been said far too many times
You make the bad things go away
The nights are perfect
The time endless
(if only I could stop it when we needed to… all the time)--I would like to see more images in these last two strophes

I say things too much because
I don’t know
How to say them
‘Just enough’

Time and distance are one and the same --nice line
And you’re far too long away from me
For anything to be comfortable in this--don't think you need in this
Un-dead dream that--do you really need the hyphen? Also the line break might be better if you pull "threatens" up.
Threatens my reality

(did you know you keep me real?)

Some good stuff here that can be developed. I hope the comments will be helpful to you.

Best,

Todd

Thank you very much for all of your feedback! Just a few things I'd like to clarify here:

First of all, 'Hel' is not a typo; I'm referring to the Norse Goddess who was banished to the Underworld for being half dead (literally; she's depicted as one half of her being dead). This leads to the 'half-dead romance'.

Secondly, I wasn't aware that it was unclear who says these things 'too many times'; I've noticed that in a lot of relationships when one is absent the other will mention how strange it feels to be without them. So yes Addy, the 'general public' does say these things, but not in everyday conversation. Far is also included because 'It's been said too much' doesn't feel as strong.

Finally, I haven't been conservative with my words this time because this is an emotional piece; when you are in the grips of emotion, you don't cut down on what you're saying, you say things as you're thinking them, sometimes in one great rush that doesn't always make sense. That's what I'm trying to convey here; sorry if it wasn't clear.

To Heslopian: It isn't just girls that own Teddies/soft toys. The second stanza is almost a sentence on it's own, broken up for emphasis. It'd probably be easier to understand if you read it thus: 'I say everything too much because I'm afraid you'll forget them if I pause long enough to breathe.' Perhaps 'it' would be a better replacement of 'them' in this instance. Similar rules with the fourth and sixth stanza; 'just right' wouldn't fit because I'm talking about a numeric value, hence 'just enough'. My apologies for the last line of the fifth stanza making no sense; like most of the poem, it leads on from the previous line, so 'The time endless (if only we could stop it when we needed to... all the time)' playing on a much over-used cliche of wanting to stop time to be able to spend more time with a loved one.

Thank you Todd, Billy, Addy and Heslopian for your feedback; I hope my comments make this poem clearer for you