Deep Breath. Revised

[Lawrence]

This is inhalation.

Think of a red balloon expanding,
A graceful leap off of the diving board,
The ready, the set, the reaching, the harvest
God seated atop of void, preparing to unveil light

Suspense thrives here.
The murderer is still hidden,
Knife in hand, behind the door,
And our heroine is not at all aware.
The magician hasn’t pulled his rabbit,
I’m about to put out my birthday candles,
A boy has picked a dandelion, wanting his wish.

Day has withdrawn-
Darkness. The sky and sea
Are two black opposing mirrors.
You catch the scent of old incense,
Vaguely lingering in an empty cathedral.
Here, you love her, so you pull her into you.


This is exhalation.

Here, you’re cooling off your scolding hot spaghetti.
Someone has just told a joke about two rabbis.
Dawn on the shoreline. Seagulls quarreling
As you sigh fog onto your sunglasses
Now your father puffs smoke rings
On his windy porch in autumn.

The dark cinema erupts in horrified shouts
As the murderer emerges with a burst
And our heroine is taken by surprise.
You can here choirs singing,
The incantations of monks,
Men blowing on hands,
Trying to keep warm.

Ferocious waves crash on a light-gilded beach
St Peter’s swells with chatty churchgoers,
Here, you love her, so you let her go.
The final sailboat has left the harbor,
Wind scatters piles of pine cones,
As you think back to your youth
Turn your head on the pillow
And sigh for the last time.

[billy]

and the original is where? best to put an edit into the original opening post so we have something to compare with

[Lawrence]

In the bowels of this forum!

Okay, I've got to find that damn thing....
You can still C&C if you;d like

[billy]

i remember the poem though not enough to compare i'd rather see the other one so i can say if the edit makes it better or not.

[Todd]

Hi Lawrence,

I remember the original. I'll confine my comments though to how this one works. I thought most of it had very tight good writing. I've already told ou what I loved about the original so I won't be repetitious here. Let me point out the few lines I had some problems with.

This is inhalation.

Think of a red balloon expanding,
A graceful leap off of the diving board,
The ready, the set, the reaching, the harvest--wasn't sure about this line
God seated atop of void, preparing to unveil light--I think this might be stronger cutting "seated atop of void"

Suspense thrives here.
The murderer is still hidden,
Knife in hand, behind the door,
And our heroine is not at all aware.
The magician hasn’t pulled his rabbit,
I’m about to put out my birthday candles,--maybe just I'm facing lit birthday candles
A boy has picked a dandelion, wanting his wish.

Day has withdrawn-
Darkness. The sky and sea
Are two black opposing mirrors.--don't remember these two lines I like them
You catch the scent of old incense,
Vaguely lingering in an empty cathedral.
Here, you love her, so you pull her into you.


This is exhalation.

Here, you’re cooling off your scolding hot spaghetti.
Someone has just told a joke about two rabbis.
Dawn on the shoreline. Seagulls quarreling
As you sigh fog onto your sunglasses
Now your father puffs smoke rings
On his windy porch in autumn.

The dark cinema erupts in horrified shouts
As the murderer emerges with a burst
And our heroine is taken by surprise.
You can here choirs singing,
The incantations of monks,
Men blowing on hands,
Trying to keep warm.

Ferocious waves crash on a light-gilded beach
St Peter’s swells with chatty churchgoers,
Here, you love her, so you let her go.
The final sailboat has left the harbor,
Wind scatters piles of pine cones,
As you think back to your youth
Turn your head on the pillow
And sigh for the last time.

Solid rewrite Lawerence. Really well done.

Best,

Todd