It was the red of a blush
that virginal second glance.

The flawless flesh—
an ice-covered pond dusted
with morning flakes.

It was the shape of her heart,
or so she’d been told,
like rare steak
pulsing, wet
beneath her teeth,

sucking the gristle
fingers wiped,
folded primly,
primping before
a looking glass.

Fairer yet, and fairer still,
a crystal coffin set above
the moist earth
black soil bubbling up
caught in the throat
a cold, sharp
apple

skin

peeling back white
as snow.

i really really like this.


my one nit is the fact you mentioned white and snow / snow white at all, even though it was done in a round about way.

for me it an excellent take on the fairy tale.
loved the 3rd land 4th stanza in which you got the evil character to a t.

the 4th stanza feels a little bare but that could just be me. (forget this line, i must have been on drugs ) i meant the last lines, which i'd previously mentioned as a nit

the last 4 lines in the 2nd to last stanza for me could do with a small tidy to make it flow better..

thanks for the read todd. (jmo)

A dark and beautiful interpretation of "Snow White," effectively mixing soft images with violent undertones.

(12-08-2010, 02:46 AM)Todd Wrote:  It was the red of a blush
that virginal second glance.

Would a comma after "blush" be of use? This couplet confused me for a second at first, as the lines ran into each other.

The flawless flesh—
an ice-covered pond dusted
with morning flakes.

Excellent.

It was the shape of her heart,
or so she’d been told,
like rare steak
pulsing, wet
beneath her teeth,

Mesmeric; gruesome and divine. One nit, though: the transition from comparing her heart to a steak to "wet beneath her teeth" is slightly clunky, at least in my opinion. Again, the lines ran into each other a bit, and thus left me a tad confused. Would it work better like this?:

It was the shape of her heart,
or so she’d been told,
like rare steak
pulsing. The meat lay wet
beneath her teeth,

sucking the gristle
fingers wiped,
folded primly,
primping before
a looking glass.

Excellent.

Fairer yet, and fairer still,
a crystal coffin set above
the moist earth
black soil bubbling up
caught in the throat
a cold, sharp
apple

skin

peeling back white
as snow.

I love the blend of decadence ("crystal coffin") with sinister imagery ("black soil bubbling").

Hi Billy,

Thanks for walking through this. You always give me some things to think about. I'll consider all of it on re-write.

Much appreciated.

Best,

Todd

(12-08-2010, 06:05 AM)billy Wrote:  i really really like this.


my one nit is the fact you mentioned white and snow / snow white at all, even though it was done in a round about way.

for me it an excellent take on the fairy tale.
loved the 3rd land 4th stanza in which you got the evil character to a t.

the 4th stanza feels a little bare but that could just be me. (forget this line, i must have been on drugs ) i meant the last lines, which i'd previously mentioned as a nit

the last 4 lines in the 2nd to last stanza for me could do with a small tidy to make it flow better..

thanks for the read todd. (jmo)

---

Hi Jack,

I appreciate your comments and the time you spent with this one. I think you're right about the comma. I also will use some variation on the meat under the teeth part. Appreciate the help.

Best,

Todd

(12-08-2010, 10:27 PM)Heslopian Wrote:  A dark and beautiful interpretation of "Snow White," effectively mixing soft images with violent undertones.

(12-08-2010, 02:46 AM)Todd Wrote:  It was the red of a blush
that virginal second glance.

Would a comma after "blush" be of use? This couplet confused me for a second at first, as the lines ran into each other.

The flawless flesh—
an ice-covered pond dusted
with morning flakes.

Excellent.

It was the shape of her heart,
or so she’d been told,
like rare steak
pulsing, wet
beneath her teeth,

Mesmeric; gruesome and divine. One nit, though: the transition from comparing her heart to a steak to "wet beneath her teeth" is slightly clunky, at least in my opinion. Again, the lines ran into each other a bit, and thus left me a tad confused. Would it work better like this?:

It was the shape of her heart,
or so she’d been told,
like rare steak
pulsing. The meat lay wet
beneath her teeth,

sucking the gristle
fingers wiped,
folded primly,
primping before
a looking glass.

Excellent.

Fairer yet, and fairer still,
a crystal coffin set above
the moist earth
black soil bubbling up
caught in the throat
a cold, sharp
apple

skin

peeling back white
as snow.

I love the blend of decadence ("crystal coffin") with sinister imagery ("black soil bubbling").