Guardian Angel

[Lawrence]

Is the hardest part
Doing nothing?

To not put a sign by that sneaky ledge
Or ignore the rag-doll face-first falling
Of an old man down his staircase?

Is it troubling to not petition gravity
When a board breaks, and the boot slips through
A bridge between two mountains?

With wings whose tips touch both sun and moon-
And wielding celestial weaponry , I’m sure shooing away demons
Is like pulling gum from the bottom a sneaker, for you.

But who or what decides the breaks should fail
The hands should slip, when the line should be straight
Humming its dull, monotone dirge?

Tell me,
Who gives the word?

[billy]

three points for me
1st point; the last couplet spoils it, takes the poem in its big fat hairy arms and crushes every bone in it.
2nd point; would 'And wielding celestial weaponry , I’m sure shooing away demons
Is like pulling gum from the bottom a sneaker, for you.'
better written as;

And wielding celestial weaponry,
I’m sure shooing away demons for you,
Is like pulling gum from the bottom a sneaker,

3rd point; i really enjoyed the read, some good lines; the first triolet was great as was the open couplet which sets up the questioning to come. not sure question marks are needed for rhetorical questions which is how i take these to be.
the rest of the poem leads me up to that last two lines and i feel cheated. i want to be left hanging with this one.
i want it to be meta physical and that last line makes it corporeal.

none the less. a really good write
thanks for the read. lawrence

[heslopian]

I agree with Billy about the last couplet. It gives away too much of the meaning behind this poem, and is basically a blunt instrument. The rest of the piece, though, is beyond fantastic. An elegantly crafted melancholy filled with a joyous mix of modern and classical imagery, such as the old man falling down the staircase and the celestial weaponry.

[Lawrence]

I think that, right now, it's my biggest problem.
I used to be a philosophy major and I'm so caught up in explaining things.
It's something I have to shake in poetry. Thank you!

[addy]

Your study of philosophy really shines through in this then... the idea is such brilliant take on the nature of guardian angels (and in a way, god) that both expands it and brings it to an intimate human level. The stuff which the very best of poetry is made of imo. Agree about the final couplet: the question you began the poem with was just a little more fascinating and more contemplative, a brilliant vein to take. This is pretty much golden throughout though

[Todd]

Hi Lawrence,

Solid idea for a poem with some very cool ideas floating through it. If there are guardian angels why are they so damn inefficient or capricious?

The opening is very nice. I like the break on L1 and it sets the scene well.

Is the hardest part
Doing nothing?

To not put a sign by that sneaky ledge
Or ignore the rag-doll face-first falling --face-first makes this line a little awkward to read for me. I think rag-doll falling gets you there on its own.
Of an old man down his staircase?

Is it troubling to not petition gravity
When a board breaks, and the boot slips through
A bridge between two mountains?--good build up with the line break. This could just be me but I think you'd have more tension breaking on slips than on through.

With wings whose tips touch both sun and moon---gorgeous line
And wielding celestial weaponry , I’m sure shooing away demons
Is like pulling gum from the bottom a sneaker, for you.--for me the celestial weaponry line doesn't work with the gum/sneaker image. Again jmo but I'd almost rather see you start the line with the "I'm sure shooing...part)

But who or what decides the breaks should fail--Since the angels are personal and they exist I think the conceit of the poem moves you away from a deistic based universe. I'd stick with simply "who" but obviously up to you. Did you mean brakes instead of breaks here?
The hands should slip, when the line should be straight--didn't understand this when the line part.
Humming its dull, monotone dirge?

Tell me,
Who gives the word?

I'm not a fan of the last lines either. I almost want a visual of the proposition here. For example (not saying this is the best just to illustrate--sorry about Todd's mad jumble here. Sometimes editing helps when you see it from a dramatically different angle):

Is the hardest part
Doing nothing?

But who or what decides the breaks should fail
The hands should slip, when the line should be straight
Humming its dull, monotone dirge?

With wings whose tips touch both sun and moon-
And wielding celestial weaponry , I’m sure shooing away demons
Is like pulling gum from the bottom a sneaker, for you.

Is it troubling to not petition gravity
When a board breaks, and the boot slips through
A bridge between two mountains?

To not put a sign by that sneaky ledge
Or ignore the rag-doll face-first falling
Of an old man down his staircase?


It's a good poem whatever you choose to do Lawrence. Minor edits and rework the ending some and I think you're there.

Best,

Todd

[Lawrence]

The line flattens: Meaning the heart monitor!

Great criticism guys!

[Todd]

I wouldn't have pulled that out (it's cool though) Maybe: The monitor line flattens...I don't know.