Sigils Signs and Unclean Getaways

Neon green and aqua blue
the latest greatest
auto-mobile
stopped at the rail crossing
tugged my passing eye
its way
starboard

me
squarely seated
and slightly swaying
in train car
(Elevated)
Number 2

Elated at an
unexpected
upturn in credits
I had made the onboard upgrade
to Citizen Class seating
a higher view
a steeper price

to the vehicle
at idle outside
I traced some
sigils of respect
(a warding…
just in case…
the driver could be one of my
creditors after all
those low dwellers)

but that lot
had no way of knowing
I was on the run

the carriage jumped a bit
but remained track bound
on its predestined course

I stood and walked about
my seat comfortable
but confining

down the aisle
two siblings
rivaling
the oldest forcefully
took back a toy

I nodded
a sincere sign
of respect
a most practical demonstration
of free will

but what’s the joy
in stealing something
if it was yours to begin with?
and isn’t there some sin
in lending with
expectations?

Leaving thoughts
of past stops and stations
I closed my eyes and sighed
I’ll dream
(amidst these other travelers)
of sailing under
the seldom seen sun

just me
floating away
on
Aqua blue neon green seas
unwinding
unwound

and who’s to say
this money
isn’t mine
some hidden treasure
I had re-found

I couldn't read beyond the first strophe. The line breaks are entirely arbitrary rather than following a speech pattern.
The lines themselves seem to be narrating a story, but it might as well have been written out as plain prose. 
It doesn't become a poem if one merely chops the lines up randomly to make a piece of writing more 'vertical'.

(10-11-2025, 05:23 AM)busker Wrote:  I couldn't read beyond the first strophe. The line breaks are entirely arbitrary rather than following a speech pattern.
The lines themselves seem to be narrating a story, but it might as well have been written out as plain prose. 
It doesn't become a poem if one merely chops the lines up randomly to make a piece of writing more 'vertical'.

Thank you but they aren’t arbitrary they are very specifically and intentionally chose for both auditory and visual presentation.but thanks for the feedback. I appreciate it.

(10-11-2025, 05:57 AM)palifan Wrote:  Thank you but they aren’t arbitrary they are very specifically and intentionally chose for both auditory and visual presentation.but thanks for the feedback. I appreciate it.

That may be your intent, but the execution hasn't been successful. That's the feedback.

i liked your poem, it had a feel of a science fictiony retrofuture feel for me; i actually don't have a lot of feedback of the line by line variety, but a few things in bold: 

Sigils Signs and Unclean Getaways

Neon green and aqua blue
the latest greatest   i like "latest greatest", it sets the tone for me
auto-mobile
stopped at the rail crossing
tugged my passing eye
its way
starboard   do trains have a starboard?

me
squarely seated
and slightly swaying
in train car
(Elevated)
Number 2

Elated at an     it is unclear to me why this line is capitalized if the others aren't and if there is no punctuation to end the previous line
unexpected     i read the poem as a getaway after a theft or scam went well; if so, was it really unexpected? 
upturn in credits
I had made the onboard upgrade
to Citizen Class seating
a higher view
a steeper price

to the vehicle
at idle outside
I traced some
sigils of respect
(a warding…
just in case…
the driver could be one of my
creditors after all  without punctuation this reads "all those low dwellers"; furthermore, it is unclear what a low dweller is -- and a bit distracting
those low dwellers)

but that lot
had no way of knowing
I was on the run

the carriage jumped a bit
but remained track bound
on its predestined course

I stood and walked about
my seat comfortable
but confining   comfortable[,] if confining might work better, if the emphasis is to be on the comfort/upgrade

down the aisle
two siblings
rivaling
the oldest forcefully    the elder or the older, not the oldest
took back a toy

I nodded
a sincere sign
of respect   the addition of a word here -- "of respect towards", "of respect, witnessing", etc. -- would smooth things 
a most practical demonstration
of free will   

but what’s the joy
in stealing something    
if it was yours to begin with?
and isn’t there some sin
in lending with
expectations?  this is my favorite stanza, the little story hinting at what remains only alluded to in the larger story, or so i presume

Leaving thoughts
of past stops and stations
I closed my eyes and sighed
I’ll dream            unclear to me if this is a break in the tense from past to future, or if the narrator is sighing thinking that they will dream
(amidst these other travelers)
of sailing under
the seldom seen sun

just me
floating away
on
Aqua blue neon green seas   unclear why this is capitalized
unwinding
unwound

and who’s to say
this money
isn’t mine
some hidden treasure   would it be hidden treasure or lost treasure
I had re-found

(10-14-2025, 04:17 AM)adat Wrote:  i liked your poem, it had a feel of a science fictiony retrofuture feel for me; i actually don't have a lot of feedback of the line by line variety, but a few things in bold: 

Sigils Signs and Unclean Getaways

Neon green and aqua blue
the latest greatest   i like "latest greatest", it sets the tone for me
auto-mobile
stopped at the rail crossing
tugged my passing eye
its way
starboard   do trains have a starboard?

me
squarely seated
and slightly swaying
in train car
(Elevated)
Number 2

Elated at an     it is unclear to me why this line is capitalized if the others aren't and if there is no punctuation to end the previous line
unexpected     i read the poem as a getaway after a theft or scam went well; if so, was it really unexpected? 
upturn in credits
I had made the onboard upgrade
to Citizen Class seating
a higher view
a steeper price

to the vehicle
at idle outside
I traced some
sigils of respect
(a warding…
just in case…
the driver could be one of my
creditors after all  without punctuation this reads "all those low dwellers"; furthermore, it is unclear what a low dweller is -- and a bit distracting
those low dwellers)

but that lot
had no way of knowing
I was on the run

the carriage jumped a bit
but remained track bound
on its predestined course

I stood and walked about
my seat comfortable
but confining   comfortable[,] if confining might work better, if the emphasis is to be on the comfort/upgrade

down the aisle
two siblings
rivaling
the oldest forcefully    the elder or the older, not the oldest
took back a toy

I nodded
a sincere sign
of respect   the addition of a word here -- "of respect towards", "of respect, witnessing", etc. -- would smooth things 
a most practical demonstration
of free will   

but what’s the joy
in stealing something    
if it was yours to begin with?
and isn’t there some sin
in lending with
expectations?  this is my favorite stanza, the little story hinting at what remains only alluded to in the larger story, or so i presume

Leaving thoughts
of past stops and stations
I closed my eyes and sighed
I’ll dream            unclear to me if this is a break in the tense from past to future, or if the narrator is sighing thinking that they will dream
(amidst these other travelers)
of sailing under
the seldom seen sun

just me
floating away
on
Aqua blue neon green seas   unclear why this is capitalized
unwinding
unwound

and who’s to say
this money
isn’t mine
some hidden treasure   would it be hidden treasure or lost treasure
I had re-found

Hi! 

I really appreciate you taking the time to read and provide constructive feedback.

I definitely need to fix the punctuation issues.

“Starboard” was intentional because that is a ship-going term and it alludes to/foreshadows the narrator’s transition from
the physical reality of the aqua blue neon car to later the same colored seas. It’s meant to be out of place initially so that when the narrator mentions “seas” later the reader will go “ohh, now I get it. “ I’m not sure if it works tbh but since one of the themes is motion saying “starboard” grounds the reader a bit. 

“Unexpected” was also intentional humor which reads better when performing. I forgot the punctuation here that would make that clear. The character is roguish and he is calling his intentional theft “unexpected.”

“Hidden” vs “Lost”. I used “hidden” to indicate he never actually either lost or stole anything. What he obtained was always his, and couldn’t be lost, it was hidden from his awareness, which reflects back to the line about is it stealing if it’s his.

This hopefully reflects to the reader that as the imagery of “crossing, passing, elevated vs. low dwelling” hints at the poem is about a character “passing” from the physical realm to the spiritual and reflecting on choices, free will and morality.

Thanks again! Have a great day!