Help me win the war my brothers.
We fight to live and die for change.
I hope this ballad can show its range
Persevere and thwart evil others.

The sound of shrieks and little groans
from immature girls and moody boys.
As you do not have any choice
of a war bringing a sea of bones.
 
As these lads oh brash and young.
Teens and fools we weep and say.
‘Give into words, heed our advances today!’
Plunge through pain, we are The Sons.
 
It’s a name we rightfully call ourselves.
To form a clan and gather men.
To storm the Gates of Monkeys and Wrens.
A world where love can ring its bell.
 
If we lose, we’ll surrender our love
for the wisest Rinpoche of all the land.
His name is freedom, he’s by a cliff above.
As in our skull we stand, reprimand.

(10-16-2022, 05:58 AM)Poetry In Motion Wrote:  Help me win the war my brothers.
We fight to live and die for change.
I hope this ballad can show its range
Persevere and thwart evil others.

The sound of shrieks and little groans
from immature girls and moody boys.
As you do not have any choice
of a war bringing a sea of bones.
 
As these lads oh brash and young.
Teens and fools we weep and say.
‘Give into words, heed our advances today!’
Plunge through pain, we are The Sons.
 
It’s a name we rightfully call ourselves.
To form a clan and gather men.
To storm the Gates of Monkeys and Wrens.
A world where love can ring its bell.
 
If we lose, we’ll surrender our love
for the wisest Rinpoche of all the land.
His name is freedom, he’s by a cliff above.
As in our skull we stand, reprimand.

Line 1 of stanza 2 didn't come over properly when you copy and pasted.  This happens to me all the time. 

Will be back for comment on poem later.

(10-16-2022, 07:13 AM)TranquillityBase Wrote:  

(10-16-2022, 05:58 AM)Poetry In Motion Wrote:  Help me win the war my brothers.
We fight to live and die for change.
I hope this ballad can show its range
Persevere and thwart evil others.

The sound of shrieks and little groans
from immature girls and moody boys.
As you do not have any choice
of a war bringing a sea of bones.
 
As these lads oh brash and young.
Teens and fools we weep and say.
‘Give into words, heed our advances today!’
Plunge through pain, we are The Sons.
 
It’s a name we rightfully call ourselves.
To form a clan and gather men.
To storm the Gates of Monkeys and Wrens.
A world where love can ring its bell.
 
If we lose, we’ll surrender our love
for the wisest Rinpoche of all the land.
His name is freedom, he’s by a cliff above.
As in our skull we stand, reprimand.

Line 1 of stanza 2 didn't come over properly when you copy and pasted.  This happens to me all the time. 

Will be back for comment on poem later.

Oh thought it did, sorry about that.

(10-16-2022, 05:58 AM)Poetry In Motion Wrote:  Help me win the war my brothers.
We fight to live and die for change.
I hope this ballad can show its range
Persevere and thwart evil others.       Does this line refer back to the "ballad" or to the "brothers"?  It's unclear to me.

The sound of shrieks and little groans
from immature girls and moody boys.
As you do not have any choice.        Again, I'm a bit confused if "you" here is referring to the "boys and girls" or to the fighters.
of a war bringing a sea of bones.   Vivid image, but awkwardly phrased.  Maybe "in a war...."?  from a war....?
 
As these lads oh brash and young.
Teens and fools we weep and say.
‘Give into words, heed our advances today!’
Plunge through pain, we are The Sons.
 
It’s a name we rightfully call ourselves.
To form a clan and gather men.
To storm the Gates of Monkeys and Wrens.    A very arresting image
A world where love can ring its bell.              Seems to me the first three lines should not be full stops, but commas
 
If we lose, we’ll surrender our love
for the wisest Rinpoche of all the land.         Had to look up rinpoche and assumed it was a proper name; "incarnate lama" might work better
His name is freedom, he’s by a cliff above.   on?
As in our skull we stand, reprimand.            reprimanded?  otherwise it doesn't seem grammatically correct

PIM,

You've got a the makings of an interesting, semi-mythological (the Gates of Monkeys and Wrens.....the Rinpoche) poem here.  Was that what you were going for?  It seems to start out as an anti-war statement, then glides into.....something else.

TqB 

(10-16-2022, 10:18 AM)TranquillityBase Wrote:  

(10-16-2022, 05:58 AM)Poetry In Motion Wrote:  Help me win the war my brothers.
We fight to live and die for change.
I hope this ballad can show its range
Persevere and thwart evil others.       Does this line refer back to the "ballad" or to the "brothers"?  It's unclear to me.

The sound of shrieks and little groans
from immature girls and moody boys.
As you do not have any choice.        Again, I'm a bit confused if "you" here is referring to the "boys and girls" or to the fighters.
of a war bringing a sea of bones.   Vivid image, but awkwardly phrased.  Maybe "in a war...."?  from a war....?
 
As these lads oh brash and young.
Teens and fools we weep and say.
‘Give into words, heed our advances today!’
Plunge through pain, we are The Sons.
 
It’s a name we rightfully call ourselves.
To form a clan and gather men.
To storm the Gates of Monkeys and Wrens.    A very arresting image
A world where love can ring its bell.              Seems to me the first three lines should not be full stops, but commas
 
If we lose, we’ll surrender our love
for the wisest Rinpoche of all the land.         Had to look up rinpoche and assumed it was a proper name; "incarnate lama" might work better
His name is freedom, he’s by a cliff above.   on?
As in our skull we stand, reprimand.            reprimanded?  otherwise it doesn't seem grammatically correct

PIM,

You've got a the makings of an interesting, semi-mythological (the Gates of Monkeys and Wrens.....the Rinpoche) poem here.  Was that what you were going for?  It seems to start out as an anti-war statement, then glides into.....something else.

TqB 

Thank you very much! That was what I was going for yes, it was supposed to be a Buddhist poem. A semi-mythological type of piece yes.

(10-16-2022, 10:18 AM)TranquillityBase Wrote:  

(10-16-2022, 05:58 AM)Poetry In Motion Wrote:  Help me win the war my brothers.
We fight to live and die for change.
I hope this ballad can show its range
Persevere and thwart evil others.       Does this line refer back to the "ballad" or to the "brothers"?  It's unclear to me.

The sound of shrieks and little groans
from immature girls and moody boys.
As you do not have any choice.        Again, I'm a bit confused if "you" here is referring to the "boys and girls" or to the fighters.
of a war bringing a sea of bones.   Vivid image, but awkwardly phrased.  Maybe "in a war...."?  from a war....?
 
As these lads oh brash and young.
Teens and fools we weep and say.
‘Give into words, heed our advances today!’
Plunge through pain, we are The Sons.
 
It’s a name we rightfully call ourselves.
To form a clan and gather men.
To storm the Gates of Monkeys and Wrens.    A very arresting image
A world where love can ring its bell.              Seems to me the first three lines should not be full stops, but commas
 
If we lose, we’ll surrender our love
for the wisest Rinpoche of all the land.         Had to look up rinpoche and assumed it was a proper name; "incarnate lama" might work better
His name is freedom, he’s by a cliff above.   on?
As in our skull we stand, reprimand.            reprimanded?  otherwise it doesn't seem grammatically correct

PIM,

You've got a the makings of an interesting, semi-mythological (the Gates of Monkeys and Wrens.....the Rinpoche) poem here.  Was that what you were going for?  It seems to start out as an anti-war statement, then glides into.....something else.

TqB 

1. The line refers back to the brothers
2. It refers back to the boys and girls
3. I will choose 'from a war' reads better for sure!

(10-16-2022, 12:05 PM)Poetry In Motion Wrote:  Thank you very much! That was what I was going for yes, it was supposed to be a Buddhist poem. A semi-mythological type of piece yes.

Cool!  Just an early morning thought: you might want to bring the Buddhist element into the poem earlier on in a more obvious way.

(10-16-2022, 09:59 PM)TranquillityBase Wrote:  

(10-16-2022, 12:05 PM)Poetry In Motion Wrote:  Thank you very much! That was what I was going for yes, it was supposed to be a Buddhist poem. A semi-mythological type of piece yes.

Cool!  Just an early morning thought: you might want to bring the Buddhist element into the poem earlier on in a more obvious way.

Yeah, I probably should. Thanks!

Each of you has a random name not so random.



Help me win the war my brothers.
We fight to live and die for change.
I hope this ballad will can show its range
Thwart and persevere.
Persevere and thwart evil others.

You willing to get things going that route for this poem? 


The sound of shrieks and little groans
from immature girls and moody boys.
As you do not have any choice
of a war bringing a sea of bones.
 
As these lads oh brash and young.
Teens and fools we weep and say.
‘Give into words, heed our advances today!’
Plunge through pain, we are The Sons.
 
It’s a name we rightfully call ourselves.
To form a clan and gather men.
To storm the Gates of Monkeys and Wrens.
A world where love can ring its bell.
 
If we lose, we’ll surrender our love
for the wisest Rinpoche of all the land.
His name is freedom, he’s by a cliff above.
As in our skull we stand, reprimand.

(10-17-2022, 02:21 AM)rowens Wrote:  Each of you has a random name not so random.



Help me win the war my brothers.
We fight to live and die for change.
I hope this ballad will can show its range
Thwart and persevere.
Persevere and thwart evil others.

You willing to get things going that route for this poem? 


The sound of shrieks and little groans
from immature girls and moody boys.
As you do not have any choice
of a war bringing a sea of bones.
 
As these lads oh brash and young.
Teens and fools we weep and say.
‘Give into words, heed our advances today!’
Plunge through pain, we are The Sons.
 
It’s a name we rightfully call ourselves.
To form a clan and gather men.
To storm the Gates of Monkeys and Wrens.
A world where love can ring its bell.
 
If we lose, we’ll surrender our love
for the wisest Rinpoche of all the land.
His name is freedom, he’s by a cliff above.
As in our skull we stand, reprimand.

Haha! Well I guess not! Perhaps I need to cut those like you were pointing me to do. Thanks for your suggestion.